8:03 pm: Madonna appears. Furthering understanding and smashing stereotypes, the cameras cut immediately to the cast of "Queer Eye." I'm watching Jai's temple burst from excitement on live television.

8:04 pm: So let me get this straight: Madonna co-opted these two girls, put them in skanky wedding dresses, and then MAKES OUT with them? Whew. For a second I thought Madonna was doing all this as a desperate attempt at relevance, clinging to her last 5 minutes of fame like a wounded tiger, but I was wrong.

8:05 pm: History may shed light on what Missy was doing out there, but personally, I'm at a loss.

8:06 pm: Well, that was weird. Kinda like MTV's version of "The Balcony."

MOVING RIGHT ALONG

8:21 pm:Missy Elliot's "Work It" wins. Excellent. It's good to see proper recognition for a song that deals with one of the most pressing problems today: the economy. Missy's cry for job creation and economic stimulus packages is to be commended. What? It's not about that? What is it about? Oh. Um. Nevermind then.

8:41 pm: More awards that were announced during the pre-show: "Best Use of An Artist Currently in Prison," "Best Jailbait Video," and "The Only Five Songs in Rotation Not Produced by Timbaland or The Neptunes."

8:49 pm: Wait, Christina AGAIN? Didn't we already fulfill our community service requirement during the first number? ...

9:10 pm: P. Diddy wants us to pay respect to the memory of Barry White and Gregory Hines. He also announces that his next single will feature Barry White singing over Hines' tapdancing featuring a special verse from Notorious B.I.G. and a guitar solo from Robert Johnson.

9:18 pm: Whoa. Watching 50 Cent try to make an acceptance speech is a little like watching a 2nd grader freeze up in his/her first school play. Only the 2nd grader in this case is completely high.

THERE'S MORE

9:21 pm: We're nearly 90 minutes into the show, and no Enrique sightings yet. So far, so good.

9:50 pm: OK, I'm just gonna say this and move on: Jack Black is the guy that everyone pretended Chris Farley was. Man's just amazing. Can't wait for "The School of Rock." I'd pay $10 to watch this guy read the phone book.

9:51 pm: If you can watch the video for "Seven Nation Army" and not vomit, you're got a better stomach than I do.

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