It's time for the Labor Day Weekend. But don't leave just yet. In a minute-by-minute rundown of last night's ultraslick, ultraridiculous, ultra-important MTV Video Music Awards, Ryan McGee has again demonstrated his encyclopedic knowledge of, and appropriately cynical attitude to, the kulcha of pop.

His real-time review, a race "against the clock and Meta Carpal Syndrome," is a circus feat that you might think lowfalutin stuff. But I hope you notice the astute references — clever, intricate, some more arcane than others, but all apt and insightful. It's a summa cum laude display of essential knowledge for anyone who wants to understand America, dude.

Fortified by a "super-sized Double Quarter Pounder" from McDonald's and "the 460-ounce cup that comes with it" (apparently for his bottle of Bacardi), McGee settled in for the show and, like a true fan, the pre-show. Here are some selected highlights:

EXCERPTS FROM THE PRE-SHOW REVIEW

6:56 pm: Sweet Mary Mother of God. Christina Aguilera killed the flamingos from "Fantasia 2000" and is wearing their skins. That ain't right.

7:14 pm: Kim Cattrall is inexplicably in this Eminem/50 Cent montage. She's like, the hottest 84-year-old ever. I can't even believe she's the girl in "Mannequin." That came out in 1926, I think.

7:20 pm: Does anyone know who actually nominates and/or votes on these awards? My theory is that MTV just goes out to an Arby's at like 3 am and finds a few drunk people. It makes as much sense as any other theory.

7:45 pm: OK, this can't be topped. John Norris just called Ludacris "Luda" without being ironic and asked him "how many G's" his coat set him back. OK, John, enough's enough. Isn't this why we have Homeland Security? To take out people who are harmful to my way of life? If John Norris has a job next year, then the terrorists have already won.

EXCERPTS FROM THE SHOW REVIEW

8:00 pm: They've recreated the original set for Madonna's 1984 "Like a Virgin" performance. A veiled woman appears atop the cake. Lessee ... amazingly off-key voice, sounds a bit like she's out of breath already ... hey, it's Britney Spears. She doesn't even have to take the veil off for me to know that.

8:02 pm: She's joined onstage by Christina Aguilera. Yes, these two are singing "Like a Virgin." The entire country shouts at their television: "How the HELL would you know?"

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