I am not a people person so why do I work in Customer Service? Every Thursday - Monday at five am I awake and head to a major Telecommunications Center to answer the calls of complete idiots.

My beef with Consumers is simple, if you buy a product at least take the time to learn how to use the equipment. If you have a pager LEARN YOUR PAGER NUMBER. If you move to a new area and need a phone or lights or cable, KNOW THE ADDRESS OF WHERE YOU NEED THEM. Telling me to just use your Post Office Box means absolutely scratch. Yes I can actually send service to that PO Box, but my friend it would do you no good.

Small talk can be a wonderful thing if in fact it is just that - small. But if your tire caught on flat; you ripped a hole in your new suit; you were late for work; the day after you had just been warned not be late again; your life partner/spouse/loved one chewed you out for no apparent reason and/or your favorite show was interrupted by another PSA from Good Ol' Dubya. PLEASE don't choose that hour to call Customer Service and ask me why you have not received a page in two months. (Why have you waited 2 months to call about it?) Besides, no matter what I say you will somehowwork into the conversation your general melancholy and quite frankly I don't want to hear it. I just can't tell you that because 'this call may be recorded for Quality Assurance purposes'.

These companies send you invoices knowing that the only part you will ever actually look at is: Total Due. Do me a favor, when 'Total Due' says some outrageous number take the time to search through the rest of the invoice to see why you were actually charged. Which implicates you would have to know what rate plan you are on and what charges are associated with that rate plan. I say this because when you call me and I explain how the charges on your bill are accurate I want you to be able to say more than 'Oh I didn't even bother to look at that'. And in the not-so-rare-as-you-would-hope case that you have been over charged, be one of the privileged few who actually read the terms and conditions (which include in small print how companies can ultimately screw you at will). Because when I tell you it will take up to 60 days to give back the money it only took us 60 seconds to take, I don't want you to become irate and hear me chuckle at your request to speak with a supervisor (who will only come back to me and have me explain to them what should be done...and you gotta love that).