Finally, a church I have been attending with my son. It is an evangelical church here in Saint Paul, which sometimes "creeps me out" (their phrase, not mine) culturally. I am constitutionally unable to let go and say "Praise the Lord" in public, and I don't know if it is vanity or perfectionism (I am a writer, you know) but these people are good at it and I suck, though I am getting better.

The thing is, the people I run into there are genuinely good. I have not felt the kind of alienation there I have felt at other, more subdued places, despite my own semi-good intentions. This church has helped me deepen my dependence on God and be less embarrassed about it. This constitutes a major, major, major life change, as I have always been a little ticked off at The Man.

I feel I am on fire now — not because I am rotting, which I am not any more. But that I am really living again. It's not the weight loss, which is lovely — it's a feeling of being back myself in the world. It was me that left, in my despair and disappointment, not God.

So isn't it interesting how many things had to come together for this diet to "work" for me?

So great credit to the diet and Dr. Agatson. But I doubt that the diet alone — with my original attitude — could have prevailed. Surrender to God was part of it.

And something bigger than that, a discovery I made. Praying to lose weight is itself a loser, a vanity — although in my case it is a prayer for life, because diabetes is gonna take me down one day.

Somewhere along the way, I realized it will be as easy for God to save us all — from our eating, from our self-absorption, from our anger, from our paranoia, from our certainty, from our pride, from our economy (which is the sum of all our fears and delusions) shutting down all around us, to the future wars that call to us to kill, in the name of survival.

Anything God "does" violates the laws of nature. Why would he do that just for me and my cracker problem? Well, maybe he did, and I am humiliated and busted because of it.

But I have altered my prayer. I now pray that he helps us all — including you — to find peace, to build confidence and courage, to turn around this terrible attitude of global pessimism that my life has embodied.

Just remember, when things start getting better again — it started with me.

Mike Finley
Saint Paul