2. "Abortion: An Historical Romance" by Richard Brautigan

Not his best novel, but it'll resonate with Oprah's desired demographic. The relevant locale? Wherever the trout are biting. Or, the book's setting - an abortion clinic in Mexico. Whichever.

3. "Women" by Charles Bukowski

For Bukowski on Winfrey, any seedy bar will do.

I guess we'll see if my selections are Winfrey's selections too, huh?

Perhaps Winfrey is setting her sights too high with literary classics. Maybe she should consider taking it down a notch.

In that case, I recommend:

1. "Classic X-Men" (the Chris Claremont years)

2. "Daredevil" (the classic Frank Miller years)

Whatever Winfrey decides, I plan to boycott her "dead authors only" policy. To that end, even as you read this, my friends and I are combing the video archives so that we can watch "classic daytime talk shows" only.

Instead of Oprah Winfrey, my friends and I - or, as I refer to us, "Pete's Talk Show Club" - will be viewing a different "classic" show over the course of each month.

The "Pete's Talk Show Club" monthly schedule, so far, will be:

MONTH 1: "Donahue"

The original long-running daytime groundbreaker, not the painful-to-watch and recently canceled MSNBC mini-series.

Club Talking Points - "How to Look Really Really Earnest" and "How to Pander to Viewers, in a Sad Ratings Grab, By Wearing a Skirt On-Air."

MONTH 2: "The Morton Downey Jr. Show"

He's loud. He's proud. He's Morty. If you're too young to remember Downey, think "Springer on Steroids."

Daytime was never the same after Downey. We all owe him a big debt of gratitude. Too bad they can't bring his show back, with all-new episodes. What with his being dead and all.

MONTH 3: "Carnie!"

Hosted by erstwhile pop singer Carnie Wilson. This one has been selected so that, the next time club members see that touching yet hopeful commercial on TV with Wilson telling us how she lost some 300-odd pounds through the "miracle of surgery", we'll all truly appreciate the difficulties she went through. By viewing her when she was still fantastically huge.

MONTH 4: "The Richard Bey Show"

Club Talking Points: "How to Leer at the Camera" and "How to Make Fun of Stupid Guests So They Don't Know You're Doing It"

Bey was a poor man's Springer, but what the hell do you expect by Month Four? Geraldo? Not likely, pal.

So good luck, Oprah! I wish you all the best. But I won't be watching. Nor reading your selections.

My library is now closed.