Once on board, the airline spokesman on the 'pre-flight' video informed us that we'd be flying on a (quote) "modern jet airplane."

Gee, thanks for clearing that up.

In case of an emergency landing, after which we'd have to quickly disembark from the 'modern jet airplane', the video explained, "an exit sign will indicate when you've reached an exit."

Oh my god, was I on-board with stupid people? The airline video seemed to suggest that. I guess they know their customers better than I do.

The 'modern jet airplane' started revving up its engines and peeled down the runway. Then, we were airborne.

"This isn't so bad," I thought, "its kind of like being on a really crowded, very narrow bus."

Except that buses don't slam into the ground at hundreds of miles per hour.

It's those little differences that make life so interesting.

Soon, the flight attendants came by offering drinks. The sodas were free, but the booze was four dollars a pop. And it was those tiny bottles - you know, just the right size for alcoholic children. I would've liked nothing better than to be "three sheets to the wind" just so I might've actually enjoyed the flight, but I wasn't about to spend eighty bucks to get there. I'm a really really nervous flier, so I'd be looking at an eighty dollar minimum here.

During the flight, I met this really hot chick. We got to talking and, soon, we were making wild monkey love in the lavatory. Those 'diaper-changing' tables mounted on the lavatory wall have multi-use capabilities, I came to find out.

Afterward, neither of us smoked a cigarette because smoking on the plane was prohibited by federal regulation.

I can deal with the "no smoking" bit, but the day they outlaw the in-flight making of wild monkey love is the day I stop flying. Mark my words.

By the time I got back to my seat, I had worked up quite an appetite. As it so happened, lunch was being served.

**WARNING: Paid product-placement advertising alert!**

The ham sandwich was from Hormels. The mustard was French's. The miniature carrot sticks were courtesy of Grimmway Farms ("Carroteenies - Neat. Sweet. Ready to Eat"). The after lunch mint was provided by Russell Stovers.

** End Warning **

A fine meal was had by all.

The plane landed some thirty-five minutes late, arriving at 3:35pm. My connecting flight's departure time was 3:30pm.

It doesn't take a fancy math degree to figure out what happened.

I was put on the NEXT flight out - some two hours later.

Note to the F.A.A.: Now that you guys have that post-9/11 security problem fixed, how about taking over flight scheduling? You couldn't do much worse than the airlines are now. At least half the people on my flight missed their connection.