I’ve been on a bit of a strange-and-unusual music kick lately. In my quest I have succeeded in discovering many strange and unusual things. Some (e.g. “King Of Fuh” by Brute Force) have been a delight; others (e.g. the vocal version of the Star Trek theme sung by Nichelle Nichols, or Tony Randall’s “comedy” Indian-flavoured version of “Nature Boy”) probably best left undisturbed in their obscurity. And then there’s Lil Markie’s “Diary Of An Unborn Child”. This one’s just downright deranged.

I’m not sure I want to know about the sick fuck responsible for this, although I don’t think much is known anyway. Lil Markie appears to have been a ventriloquist’s doll operated by one Mark Fox, head of Mark Fox Family Ministries. Lil Markie’s voice is enough to make you shudder, pitched somewhere between a slightly mumbly 3 year old boy and that witch who appeared in a few Bugs Bunny cartoons. The subject matter? “[T]errifying songs about drug use, abortion and being a fat kid”, says Will, webmaster of Show And Tell Music. He’s not kidding, either.

I could tell you that “Diary Of An Unborn Child” is an anti-abortion song written from the viewpoint of the aborted foetus, except that to call it a song would be an insult to songs everywhere. It’s more of a narration set to a lightly tinkling electric piano with something resembling singing at the end. The fetus describes how he will be a blond-haired blue-eyed boy, how his first word will be “Mama”, how one day he’ll stroke her hair and tell her nice she is, how he wants to be called Andy, how the world will be overflowing with sunshine and flowers… then on December 28, “my mother killed me”.

Then the “singing” begins.

Why did you kill me mommy
When god made me special for you
I really wanted to see you
And put my little arms around you
Why did you kill me mommy
Because I thought you really cared for me
And I wonder what I would have grown up to be
I guess I’ll never know, cos mommy, you killed me

Parenthetically, Markie dies in at least one more “song” of his called “Story of an Alcoholic Father”. But let’s not go there right now.

Much as I’d like to say I just made all of that up, the horrifying truth is… it’s real. It really deserves to stay buried, preferably in the heart of Chernobyl. It has no redeeming features whatsoever. It is unremittingly vile and will offend most sensible people. If you’re game to listen to it (download it here via the aforementioned Show And Tell Music, but don't say you weren't warned), by the end of the first line of the singing bit, you will probably either be screaming with horror, vomiting copiously, or having a fit of hysterics (I tend to go for the latter option myself in order to preserve my sanity). Still, it’s useful to be reminded of the depths to which humanity can plummet… and let’s face it: compared to this, practically everything seems excellent.