As far as the things I've been quoted as saying in the last couple of months go, hey, I've been misquoted! I swear. I swear to Allah, I have!

So don't believe everything you read, George. Sometimes, it just ain't so!

I know I can be a little hard to get along with at times. Frankly, I just don't work well with others. But I've been trying, just ask Hans Blix.

Every now and then, when the pressure gets too great, I do what my psychiatrist called, "Pulling a Nutty." I can't help myself, that's just my way. That same doctor later said I suffered from megalomania. I thought to myself, "Doesn't he know who I am? I am an important man! I'm the great Saddam Hussein, linchpin to stability in the Middle East! How dare he?" Obviously, I was none too pleased with that diagnosis. The next day I had him - and his entire family - executed. Problem solved.

But I have been attempting to work on my bad habits. Through the miracle of video-conferencing, I even attended my first meeting of "Dictators' Anonymous" last month. Or DA, for short. So, there I was, when this infidel named "Idi from Uganda" (no last names, it is a program based on anonymity) decided to share his experience, strength and hope. He said, "You can't go around slaughtering your own people, Saddam. That's just plain wrong. It's not like the good old days, when the world didn't much care as long as you kept it within your own borders. You have a problem, my friend."

Gee, thanks, Idi, for taking my inventory. Now I don't have to.

I'll be honest with you, George, I so felt like executing that guy - and his entire family - right then and there. But I didn't. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

It seems everybody wants to take my inventory these days. Whether it be personal or weapons of mass destruction. I wish they'd just lay off! The way I see it, if the U.S. government didn't want me to have these weapons in the first place, then it shouldn't have given them to me back in the 1980s. It's a little too late to start bellyaching about it now.

But that's just me.

George, I've heard you not only want me brought up on "war crimes" charges after this little conflict, but my two sons as well. Please leave my family out of it. I hate nothing more than people who go after their enemies' families, just out of spite. Uday and Qusay might have their share of problems but, at heart, they are good boys.

As a father yourself, I'm sure you understand.