Here's the text of a purported "secret letter" from Saddam Hussein, sent to George W. Bush just days prior to the world premiere of CNN's epic miniseries "War in Iraq". . .

[ FROM SADDAM TO GEORGE, WITH LOVE ]

"Dear Georgie,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. Things have been kind of hectic here in Iraq.

I tried phoning a couple of times, but you wouldn't take my calls. Are you mad at me or something?

I really don't understand why you're so upset with me. The only people I've killed have been my own. It is, as they say, an "internal matter" and really none of your business. As I see it, they re-elected me - it was a landslide, by the way - so, obviously, my people had no complaints about the way I've been running things here. Heck, they knew about the 'Kill All Enemies of Hussein' plank in my re-election platform before going to the polls. So they don't have the right to complain now.

If they didn't like it, they always could've voted for the other guy.

Oh wait. I forgot... I had the other guy tortured and murdered years ago, long before he could even consider declaring his candidacy.

Never mind.

But, like I was saying, I've managed to keep it in my own backyard. Don't ever let it be said that Saddam airs his dirty laundry in public. I have some class, after all.

It's like I was telling my old pal, Osama bin Laden, way back in August of 2001.

I hadn't heard from him in years but, out of the blue, he called me. He called 'collect', by the way, and my personal secretary accepted the charges. Needless to say, I had that secretary - and his entire family - executed the next day. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's poor job performance. But I'm sort of getting off the subject here...

In any case, Osama called and he was jabbering on and on about how he had this 'master plan' to strike America. It was all "jihad" this and "Great Satan" that. Yadda yadda yadda. While he wouldn't share the details, I had a sneaking suspicion it was going to be bad.

So, I told him, "Osama, don't do it, man! It'll bring on nothing but a world of hurt."

So, did he listen? Hell, no! But what do you expect from a guy who has been living in caves all his life?

He's not civilized, like you and I am, George.

By the way, now that I think of it, I really wish you'd stop calling me "evil" in the press. It really hurts my feelings. You know I'm basically a decent human being. So I've gassed a few Kurds from time to time. Big deal. Kurds in Iraq are like anti-war protestors in America - powerless and expendable, politically speaking.