WONDER OF WONDERS - empty seats, right in the middle of the theater! We spread out like Gangsters and covered each end of the aisle, effectively blocking anyone else from stealing the coveted slots, and ensuring our buttocks would be gently placed into seating of the finest sort. Oh, yeah, baby, nothing but the best for these ass cheeks, you bet. We'd only missed the first preview, it seemed. Ahhhhhh. Better. Now that we were seated, nothing could go wrong!

Then, the previews:

Head of State - Chris Rock runs for President. I wonder if all the Republicans in the film will be presented as Evil Scheming Hand-Wringing Darth Vader Types, trying to ruin the country, laughing at poor people and minorities, while they smoke cigars and fan out their graft money around a dimly-lit table like melodramatic character heavies from 1930's morality movies. No, Chris Rock wouldn't be in a movie that obviously clichéd, would he? Will they give a shout-out to the Democratic Party and Chrysler in the 'special thanks' section of the credits?

Phone Booth - Shouldn't this be on CBS on a Saturday night, for free? Colin Farrell looks to be to movies what Colin Quinn was to Saturday Night Live.

Willard - I'm so glad Hollywood is finally learning how to properly utilize Crispin Glover's mental problems. Any film with R. Lee Ermey screaming obscenities (which would be all of them, I think) is worth at least a peek.

Bringing Down The House - It'll be funny, see, because Steve Martin is SO White, and, like, Queen Latifah is SO Black! She'll say all kinds of 'Gangsta' stuff that he won't even understand because he's SO white! He'll try to dance Hip-Hop and twist into funny shapes, bringing back fond memories of The Jerk! She'll finally teach him how to properly dance in a comical way because she's SO Black, and they'll bond! In the end, they will have learned a great deal from each other's 'Worlds Apart' lifestyles and a touching tune will be tinkled out on the piano as they tearfully part ways forever!

X-Men 2 - Nightcrawler has a nice design except for his coat, which appears as if he borrowed it from Kate Hudson in Almost Famous. I'll dork out all over this movie, with all the mutant 'cameos' that are rumored to be scattered throughout the film. Speaking of cameos, you know what would be REALLY cool? If they cut Halle Berry's part down to one.

Then the film started proper, and as I stated earlier, I viewed it. I say this because I certainly didn't hear any of it. No, what I heard was the constant babbling chatter of Four Teenage Girls EVERY SINGLE GODDAMNED SECOND THE FILM WAS SPOOLING THROUGH THE PROJECTOR. Let me perform an America's Least Wanted reenactment for you: