Another menace addressed:

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, a longtime advocate of regime change in the Wonka Empire, is urging President Bush to consider military intervention should Wonka refuse to cooperate.

"The world can no longer turn a blind eye to Wonka's deception and misdirection," Rumsfeld said. "Without full inspections, there's no earthly way of knowing which direction Wonka's going. Not a speck of light is showing, so the danger must be growing. And he's certainly not showing any signs that he is slowing. Are the fires of Hell a-glowing? Is the grisly reaper mowing? Who can provide the world with the answer to these pressing questions?"

"The candy man can," Rumsfeld added grimly.

Bush said he is leaning toward the use of force, undeterred by the prospect of the candy maker using his rumored "Wonkavision" technology to turn would-be attackers into millions of tiny pieces, beaming them through the air and shrinking them to tiny, dollhouse-accessory size.

"We are talking about a man who is able to take a rainbow and cover it with dew," Bush told reporters during a press conference Monday. "Who knows what else he is capable of? Left to his own devices, he could, in a worst-case scenario, make the world taste very bad, indeed." [The Onion]