I promised myself I wasn't going to, but after  reading Carina Chocano's piece on Jimmy  Kimmel Live (she's definitely worth clicking  through those Benzo ads) and listening to TV  Barn's Aaron Barnhart talking about it, I  figured I'd check out Wednesday night's show  just because I don't like myself very much. The  episode was still sitting there on the Tivo, too  depressed to go anywhere. "Mister, would you please watch me? Or don't, whatever." So I locked up all the sharp objects and cleaning supplies in the house and settled in.

Where to start... Well, each night so far, the show has opened with Kimmel walking down the street and directly into the studio. Genuinely nice touch. Symbolic, self-deprecating. "Look, folks, I'm just a guy they dragged in off the street!" And it's a good opportunity for sight gags. The first night, right after the Super Bowl (well, 7 freaking hours after), he stopped along the way to console a heartbroken member of the "Raider Nation." The next couple of nights also had sight gags that I can't remember off the top of my head. Good idea, though.

But last night, he just slouched down the street looking at his shoes, for all the world like any other hangdog shlub about to walk into a job he dreads. It took me almost 5 years at my last job to get that look on my face walking in, and he's there after only 4 nights. The only attempt at a joke was a "BAR CLOSED" sign next to the door.

It was all downhill from there. I keep hearing about this great writing staff he's got — Steve O'Donnell (Letterman's original head writer), Joel Hodgson from MST3K, even the Sports Guy from ESPN.com — but I'm not sure what they've been doing for the last six months. There's no monologue, which I guess is actually merciful. But they haven't given him much else to do at the top of the show, so he resorted to getting bombed with co-host Snoop Dogg. After showing a montage of all the "entertainment news" reports about the show getting its liquor license revoked, Kimmel brought out a quart carton that said "Goat Milk" and poured out shots of a clear liquid that made even the Dee-Oh-Double-Gizzle-for-Shizzle wince and shudder like a 16-year-old girl at her first frat party. Everything's funnier when you're drunk, right?

Then Kimmel started in on Oprah, saying he wanted to celebrate her birthday. He sent one of the crew (his uncle, I think?) out into the audience with a church basket to collect money to buy her a present from the Home Shopping Network. Kind of a funny idea, and it might have worked if the audience hadn't been dead quiet the whole time. Don't they have an APPLAUSE sign? A PLEASE LAUGH WE'RE BEGGING YOU sign?