But there aren't any real characters in the movie anyway. Just ideas for characters. "Emotionally repressed actuary." "Sleazy, shallow fiance." "Earth mother." "Imbecilic brother." Sometimes the characters do reveal something more about themselves. But we're never sure why. For example, you'll end up liking Mulroney's character more at the end than at the beginning, but he's done and said nothing to deserve that change. We come to know more about Nicholson's daughter (Hope Davis) as the movie progresses but that's only because at first all we know of her is the idealized sentences Nicholson writes to his foster son. There's no real character change or revelation, just some overly-dramatic scenes in which carefully scripted angers emerge. The acting is better than the script, but there's only so much an actor can do with wooden characters and predictable set pieces.

Ultimately, the script and direction are unbearably smug. This is a movie about an "ordinary guy" who has made it to retirement age without facing his feelings or those of the people around him. Ok. But its point of view is outside and above: Laugh at Schmidt. Pity Schmidt. Never: Feel what Schmidt feels. Never: Think the way Schmidt thinks. Never: Be Schmidt.

Because the script is so bad, this movie is just about a shoo-in to win the Oscar for Best Screenplay. Because Kathy Bates plays an earth mother who brings an embarrassingly predictable sense of life to the film, and because it's a "brave role" (= she gets naked in it), she'll be nominated for Best Supporting Actress. Because it is set in America's heartland and defies normal narrative conventions (= it's disconnected and really boring), it'll be nominated for Best Director. Because it's smug and thinks it's about despair, it'll be nominated for Best Picture.