I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

Do you like monkeys? Then definitely peruse all the links in Solonor's post. I could go on for some time longer about monkeys, myself, including references to Curious George, David Brin's Uplift series (the only author to successfully pull off an all-chimpanzee beer and banana bar fight within a serious context), The Pixies...

Okay, I'll stop. Rather than blather on, I'll ask instead: what are your favorite monkeys and monkey references?

(Many thanks to Bigwig and his littlewig helper, Laurence Simon, for pulling together this week's Carnival of the Vanities from whence I discovered Solonor's inspiring post. Like I said: this one is a particularly good batch.)

[This post originally appeared on GlennFrazier.com, a site not normally devoted to monkeys.]