Let's go through the E! Online 25 Most Eligible Bachelors one by one, shall we?

#25 - Ashton Kutcher: Excuse me? He's what, 17? Shouldn't there be some kind of Ass Hair Quotient these guys should be measured against to even merit the title "bachelor?" Ash, baby, call me in 10 years when the "puppy" has worn off.

#24 - Dennis Quaid: [Dr. Evil voice]Riiight.[/Dr. Evil voice] Martyred on the altar of cuckoldery does not an eligible bachelor make. Besides, I hear that nasty nose problem is up to a couple grand a week.

#23 - Michael Vartan: Oh yeah, now this is what I'm talkin' 'bout. Smooth, handsome in an understated kind of way. I'd definitely bring this boy home to meet the parents.

#22 - Russell Crowe: I'm sorry, there's no room in good old Russ' life for anyone but himself. In fact, I give him two years tops before he's arrested for assault on a "lady friend."

#21 - Tiger Woods: This young gentleman should be in the top five, not languishing about near the bottom. Self-possessed, cute and rich as hell. And he's making several generations of pro golfers look like nitwits. Go Tiger!

#20 - Chris Tucker: Another one who should at least be in the top ten. Gotta give it up for the boys who can make you laugh.

#19 - Matt Damon: I love Matty. He's managed to distance himself somewhat from The Affleck and actually make some quality filmage here lately. His relative shortness is completely negated by that "I could fuck you right here and you would love it" grin.

#18 - Craig Kilborn: Another one happier with his own ego than a dissenting opinion. Kilby is not only full of himself but he's just not attractive...looks like he swallowed a goose. ESPN is much better off without him and so are you.

#17 - Viggo Mortenson: *shiver* Viggo looks like he's good for scratchin' that itch, but don't you dare take him home to momma...he'll fuck her, too.

#16 - Carson Daily: E! must be importing that really sweet Jamaican weed because I can think of no other explanation for the addition of this sea slug. He's not even smart!

#15 - Shaquille O'Neal: Hmm...the stars say "no."

#14 - Vince Vaughn: I knows trouble when I sees it...and this boy is TROUBLE.

#13 - Mark McGrath: Sure he's cute, but who wants to go through life being peed on?

#12 - Hugh Grant: Hoo hoo ha ha hee hee *whoop* *gasp* *snort* hah hah hee hoo