It may merely bore or mildly annoy you at first, but pay closer attention and it becomes more bizarre and alarming with each viewing. You're viewing 1000 commercials for Cristy Lane's gospel album.

The ads begin on a freaky note: an endorsement from Sgt. Barry Sadler, singer of the "Ballad of the Green Berets." See, our guys in Vietnam weren't alone. There was someone else with them in the trenches (uh, presumably in spirit only): Cristy Lane. What? Vietnam was a hundred years ago or so, and Sadler died in some kind of cheesy soldier of fortune deal in Guatemala in 1989. Huh? This has what to do with selling an album?

Then we start getting the music, awful MOR pop gospel circa 1970. Not REAL gospel music that someone might get some benefit out of- your Elvis, Blind Willie Johnson, Soul Stirrers, or even Jimmy Swaggart, but the worst kind of hack-a-politan country crap. Are you rushing to the phone yet?

Then look at the video inserts over the music montage. See the images of Cristy hanging out with the crippled kid. Aww, now you can't resist that. You like the crippled kid, right? Are you reaching for your wallet now? Come on, she's hanging out with crippled children! I could see appreciating the bracing cynicism of this display, but that ain't gonna make me BUY a gospel album. That CAN'T be the reaction they're banking on.

Yet banking on it they surely must be, for this ad seems to be running literally thousands of times. I've personally seen it at least 100 times, and I'm not that big a tv fiend. [It eats into my quality blog time.]

Now I'm starting to get a little scared. These ads cost money. Somebody has to be buying this thing. Otherwise, someone's just throwing away millions of dollars just to make our whole culture look bad, washing over us with the bathetic saccharine of the worst recorded music ever.

Ah, now the pieces start falling into place. Who would want to send the country into a tailspin of depression? Who would have the fiendish determination to make our whole culture the laughingstock of the world?

BIN LADEN Of course. It all makes sense now. Who else would be sick and twisted enough to make me listen to Cristy Lane singing "One Day at a Time" over and over again? Who is that sadistic? Of course my countrymen aren't actually brain dead enough to actually spend money on this. The whole thing is an insidious terrorist plot to confuse and de-moralize America. Now we must defeat the evil ones of al Qaeda once and for all.

So let's get going. There's no other choice. God willing, we will prevail in peace and freedom from fear and in true health through the purity and essence of our natural fluids.

God bless you all.