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Arabs Would Rather Fight Arabs; Bush Befuddled — Threatens Everyone

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Your intrepid reporter has been on special assignment recently which explains his absence. I can't tell you about the special assignment, but I can say, "WOOOOOIE & Carry Me To Any Home You Can Find."

So what does he return to? Yesterday's (Sunday) New York Times was simple a collection of articles about Arabs killing Arabs with Persians (Iranians) offering a helping hand now and again.  What is going on in those countries?  If not for the suicide bombing that killed three Israelis, you'd think they'd all forgotten Israel, which, to be honest, isn't such a bad thing if you're Israel. 

First Thing We Do is Kill All the Priests.   "The gunmen who battled Iraqi and American forces near Najaf on Sunday were members of a Shiite cult that planned to storm the city during a religious festival and kill the nation’s top Shiite clerics," said the Times.  The governor of the province, Asad Abu Galal, said that the attack was designed "to destroy the Shiite community, kill the grand ayatollahs, destroy the convoys and occupy the holy shrine.”

I have to confess that your intrepid reporter is totally befuddled by this one.  Sunni vs. Shia makes no sense either, but at least it's the Hatfield & McCoys.  These are Shiites attacking the holiest Shiite dome in Iraq intending to kill their own leading priests.  It'd be like the Franciscans storming the Vatican to kill the Pope and the Cardinals.

Whom to Kill?  Hell, I Dunno, Them Jews Look Just Like Us Arabs.  One can only sit breathlessly watching Hamas, the so-called ruling party in the state formerly known as Prince…er, Palestine.  Five continual days of fighting, who knows how many dead, calls for cease fire coming from everywhere, Saudi Arabia, that bastion of honor and liberalism, offers to mediate.  What do they have that Jimmy Carter & Bill Clinton?  (Oil?)  The leadership of both Hamas & Fatah are calling on people to put away their guns, while innocent civilians are killed, and one store owner shrugged and said, "It's a civil war." 

Your intrepid reporter is the first to admit, they don't teach you shit about the world or world history in reporter school.  But I don't understand.  You gotta choice.  A:  Admit past horrors but recognize that there are these things called children that you owe something to.  Work together, forget about wiping Israel off the map — ain't gonna happen Harry — but form a working government that puts Israel in the position of having to accept it.  And stop killing one another.  Are you guys fucking nuts?  It'd be like me shooting my wife because she's not of the one true faith.

A Man, A Plan, Iran.  Seeing that Bush and company haven't one farthing of a clue what to do in Iraq, the Iranians thrust another middle finger in the U.S.'s direction. Iran's ambassador to Baghdad talked on Sunday (yesterday) about the great stuff Iran's going to be doing for Iraq, like "greatly expand its economic and military ties — including an Iranian national bank branch in the heart of the capital — just as the Bush administration has been warning the Iranians to stop meddling in Iraqi affairs."  YIR (I'm getting tired of typing Your Intrepid Reporter) has seen too often in the past; these people in D.C. get Teddy Roosevelt's finest words backwards.  It's "Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick."   Pardon my French, but it aint, "Yell a Lot And Show "em Your Limp Dick."

What's most infuriating for YIR is that had anyone with a semester of world history lived with two blocks of the White House and been called in, ALL of this could have been avoided.  But noooooooo….grab a bunch of aging ailing Cold Warriors who learned nothing from Vietnam, surround yourself with sycophants and elephants, and threaten everyone who doesn't do what you want — even though they know that if we have to deploy one more soldier…well, it's too painful to think about.  Bad Bush.  Baaaad.

Hold Your Head Up High, and Don't You Cry, America's Goin' To War.  In a revealing statement just issued from the off-White House (I've always wanted to say "revealing review" — like did he flash the reporter or something?), President George "Ain't Nothin' Like The Real Thing Baby" Bush, just having told them Persians to stay out of our backyard…no wait, stay out of their backyard, took on Iran, Syria, and Hezbollah for their unceasing efforts to turn Lebanon from the Jewel of the Mediterranean into the Lump of Coal of all times.  Said the president, "While Lebanon's friends seek to help the Lebanese government build a free, sovereign, and prosperous country, Syria, Iran, and Hezbollah are working to destabilize Lebanese society," Bush said in a statement. 

Doesn't he understand how embarrassing he is for all America when he says anything, since all of it's idiotic.  Why should any of them fear us.  We've just about lost Afghanistan — again, Lebanon and Iraq are a wreck, just that side of civil war, and you're smoking some awfully good shit that you're not sharing, Mr. President.  We all know the Arabs & Persian (Shiites?  Is that fair?) are trying to destabilize the region; what inquiring minds what to know is:  Do you have a fucking clue what to do about it???

Oh YIR wishes he could go on…and he could on and on and on.  One doesn't have to look for absurdity, one simply has to wait with open arms and it flows all over you like tree sap on a mosquito that someone will use one day to create Raptors or something. 

Oo oo oo…I should have been writing all this up (the war and stuff) as a novel, but not making anything up.  It would have been considered the greatest fantasy novel of all time.  But despair not, boys & girls, because remember

In Jameson Veritas

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About Mark Schannon

Retired crisis & risk manager/communications expert; extensive public relations experience in most areas over 30 years. Still available for extraordinary opportunities of mind-numbing complexity. Life-long liberal agnostic...or is that agnostic liberal.
  • D’oh

    Whatever the reasons, Mark…

    just continue to bring the noise!!

    nuff said

  • Nancy

    Well, if I were writing, I’d have to honestly say it would be to feed my ego first, but since I don’t, I will settle for being vastly amused by your witty writing.

  • Bless you, my dear Nancy. We aim to amuse first, befuddle second, misinform third, feed our ego fourth, and…wait a second…oh yeah, educate fifth.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • Nancy

    Mark, if not excellent taste, then at least a functioning sense of humor some people here online seem to lack. Keep writing. I enjoyed it.

  • Bah, it was funny, so there. Perhaps not riotous, but worth a smile here and there. Nancy, you have excellent taste.

    In Jameson Veritas

  • Nancy

    Them, too!

  • Martin Lav

    “why are these muslims so mindlessly stupid & vicious that they can’t see what they’re doing?”

    I thought BushCo. were all Christians?

  • Don’t you mean Hatrocks?

  • Nancy

    Of course it’s not – that’s the point. The question is, why are these muslims so mindlessly stupid & vicious that they can’t see what they’re doing?

  • ProfEssays

    It is not funny.

  • Nancy

    This would be extremely funny if it weren’t all fact. Yet another good one, Mark – uh, MIR, I guess.