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Another New Workout

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The Princess, on her never-ending search for a newer, better and even more improved workout, has come upon Balance Balls. They’re being touted as the workout of the future. Here’s what the latest media blurb says Balance Balls will do for you:

Build core muscle strength and flexibility.
Challenge your cardiovascular system.
Improve your coordination and balance.
Develop better posture and spinal health.

You know, I remember these things from 12 years ago when I was in physical therapy for my lower back. My therapist used a balance ball to teach me to find my “center spine” and to develop proper alignment. It was a way to bring me back to “good spinal health”. I just remember bouncing around on it like those things we used see on TV on “Romper Room”. Only those had a handle. My therapist finally gave up on me and put the balance ball away. I hadn’t seen one since. Now, they’re everywhere.

It took an hour for The Princess to inflate her Balance Ball. I was busy running around doing “handyman” things, so I wasn’t able to assist in the inflation process.

The Balance Ball comes completely delflated and folded in upon itself. The BB is stored in a plastic bag which becomes quite friendly with the ball during storage, and refuses to part with it unless you tear it to shreds. Once The Princess finished shredding the BB storage bag, she opened up the pump. It looks like a rather small bicycle hand pump, or a large pastry tube. You have to screw a pointy plastic tube thingy onto the end, and then insert the pointy, plastic tube thingy into the hole in the BB.

You then commence pumping. And pumping. And you pump some more. (Personally, I think that’s the workout part.)

After The Princess had completed the inflation of her BB, she decided it was time to pop in the accompanying video tape and do the workout. It seems lately that every new workout The Princess comes up with has an accompanying video tape.

Wind chimes played, and a view of the red rocks of Arizona with a beautiful creek running in the foreground could be seen.

“C’mon! Get your ball blown up!” The Princess encouraged.

I looked at her through slitted eyes, put my tools away, shredded my storage bag, got my pump and began to fill my BB. My BB was one size larger than The Princess’ (they go by height). This meant an hour and fifteen minutes of BB pump pumping for me.

The Princess (apparently forgetting about the boo-boo on her knee) began the BB workout. It was a compilation (sampler) of three workouts offered on other video tapes which you could purchase by calling a 1-800 number. There was an Ab workout, a lower body workout and an upper body workout.

She did quite well until her boo-boo knee got rammed into the carpet. Then her eyes crossed and she became quite disgusted and bored with the workout. She decided I was taking too long to pump my BB up, and was ready to return everything to the store. I asked her to calm down and rewind the tape, as I was almost done. She did so.

Finally, my BB was ready for action. I sat on my big, purple ball and waited for the workout to begin again. The Princess, having already been through the workout, did well with the exercises this time. Unfortunately for me, the exercises involved quite a bit of balancing. I was rolling all over the place.

At one point, while balancing with my stomach on the BB and trying to lift my head up with my arms crossed behind it, I began a slow roll. It was so slow I didn’t notice at first, but by the time I did… it was too late. I rolled into The Princess, knocking her off her BB and into the couch, where her knee smacked into the leg of the end table.

Her BB whopped into my face, embedding my glasses in the bridge of my nose. My BB shot out the other side, flying across the room and smashing into the wall with our wedding pictures on it. They all fell to the floor in a heap. Meanwhile, The Princess’ BB had continued past my mangled face and was heading for the kitchen, where the cats lay sleeping in a little tangled mass in a pool of sunshine on the floor.

The green BB bopped smack into the center of the little feline pile, sending them into a screaching, hair-shooting frenzy in all directions. It was like three furry bolts of lightening went flying out of the kitchen. We didn’t see them for at least two hours after that.

We sat there on the floor of the family room, too stunned and too pained to say or do anything. Meanwhile, the video tape played on… wind chimes and new age music as the pretty lady rolled around expertly on her BB. I’m sure if you looked real close, you’d see a wire attached to her to keep her from rolling off.

Without saying a word, The Princess and I collected our respective BBs, pulled the plugs on them and crammed them back into their boxes. My mission for today is to return them for a refund. If I ever do buy another one, it damn well better have a handle on it.

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