Bryan Swerling and David Wygant, authors of Always Talk to Strangers: 3 Simple Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life, have come up with this Trio of Dating Mistakes:
1. “Putting pressure on yourself and others.”
Wygant tells the story of a 2nd date in which the woman began to cry because all of her girlfriends were already married and having children. “She had showed me how much pressure she was putting on herself to be like everyone else and was obviously very uncomfortable with where she was at that point in time—very unattractive qualities.” Sounds like you’ve got to be a real dumbass to need this book.
2. “Staying within your safety zone.”
“To get anything in your career, you have to branch out,” Swerling says. “That doesn’t stop with your career. It’s great to sit in your house and read books, but wouldn’t it be better to get on a plane and go to Africa?” Go to Africa: great dating advice. But watch out for snakes, lions and AIDS.
3. “Not being available.”
OK, here’s the skinny. Smile, flirt with your eyes, use open body language. Women, don’t be afraid to chase guys—Swerling’s girlfriend pursued him first. “It’s the same as business networking,” he says. “Get out, talk to people. You never know. Collect names and phone numbers. Stay in touch with people over the years.” That guy who ate with his mouth open and farted in the elevator; stay in touch with him. He may have a friend who eats with his mouth open but doesn’t fart.
A review from Fort Wayne’s News Sentinel says the book contains 218 “sane” pages of dating “skills” and “myths.” Wygant is a “professional” dating coach who makes $10,000 per private counseling session off assholes who in the 80s wasted their money on cocaine. Avoid the Passive Waiter Mentality, these pros say: if you do nothing to increase your chances of getting dates, you actively decrease your chances of scoring. Now that makes sense. That sentence alone is worth the $29.95 the book will set you back.
In related news, controversial Yale Professor Craphogger has counseled female students to flash their tits in bars at men near them on an individual basis for controlled 3-second bursts. He has test-marketed this concept successfully in New Jersey. “When women employ my 3-second Controlled Tit Flash Burst,” he says, “phone number demand among recipients increases by 100%.” Professor Craphogger opines that “the female breast holds a great fascination for men; it draws them in, faster than a serving portion of rotten meat draws flies.” He has recruited a large posse of female students to teach his technique, whom he’s dubbed the Hooter Hordes. He is looking for a national roll-out in time for summer, and aims to export the technique to China shortly afterwards. “I’m an academic, I believe in books,” says Professor Craphogger. “But why buy a book if you can flash a tit?”