Home / Another Beachin’ Ramble: Bonds’ Perjury, Greg Anderson’s Lawyer, MLB’s All-Star Game, Zidane’s Zidiotry And Other World Cup Silliness

Another Beachin’ Ramble: Bonds’ Perjury, Greg Anderson’s Lawyer, MLB’s All-Star Game, Zidane’s Zidiotry And Other World Cup Silliness

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The heat is getting turned up under Barry Bonds’ butt, while his supplier and brain-damaged Tom Hagen is in jail despite having a high-powered lawyer that no other felonious body builder could attract or afford. Oh and a World Cup postmortem, too.

Barry Bonds. The New York Daily News is reporting that their sources are saying that everyone’s least favorite second place all-time home run hitter in the history of Major League Baseball — Barry “Dick” Bonds — will be indicted shortly. The term of the grand jury charged with uncovering a variety of Bonds’ misdeeds, the least of which include his involvement with the Balco case, is coming to a close and frequently at the end of a grand jury’s term is when prosecutors ask the jury to indict.

In discussing this issue, I’ll bring up the now required phrase “A grand jury can indict a ham sandwich,” that everyone brings up when discussing the potential for Bonds getting indicted.

However, I will dig deeper into this “ham sandwich” comparison in an attempt to point out the very real differences between Bonds and a ham sandwich. First of all, once a ham sandwich is made, it rarely gets bigger. If anything, the longer a ham sandwich is around the SMALLER it gets. In this regard Bonds and a ham sandwich have no common ground, as Bonds has gotten bigger the longer that he’s been around.

Since a ham sandwich cannot speak, a ham sandwich cannot perjure itself. If the above-mentioned included this qualifying term, thus making the statement “A grand jury can indict a ham sandwich that committed perjury,” than this phrase would be applicable to Bonds and the likelihood of the grand jury to issue an indictment.

Also, since a ham sandwich doesn’t have the ability to earn large sums of cash from signing its name on collectible items – cash that can be hidden from the government in order to avoid paying income tax – this saying doesn’t pertain in this instance.

Finally, and a little known fact about ham sandwiches, since ham sandwiches are 100% monogamous and NEVER have mistresses, a ham sandwich would never have a mistress and therefore wouldn’t give her $80,000 so that she could buy a house. And since ham sandwiches don’t have all this extra cash around anyway, you can see how the Bonds/ham sandwich comparison isn’t valid.

And the ham sandwich is universally loved. Bonds ain’t.

That is all.

Greg Anderson. Here the ham sandwich comparison is valid on one point, and that’s Greg Anderson is as smart as a ham sandwich. At least as far as what anonymous sources have told The Ramble. What The Ramble would love to know is how a guy like Anderson gets a high-falootin’ guy like Mark Geragos as his representation.  

Geragos has been part of some of the biggest trials of recent years; he represented Susan McDougal a central figure in the Clinton-era Whitewater Scandal, Scott Peterson the guy who murdered his pregnant wife and dumped her in the drink, got Bill Clinton’s not-a-hamisher brother Roger off on drunk driving charges, tried to get Winona Rider out of $5500 worth of shoplifting charges and was on Michael Jackson’s molestation defense team early on. What does Greg Anderson have in common with any of these people? Think about it. Could you get Geragos as an attorney?

And the argument that Anderson shouldn’t have to appear in front of a grand jury because his testimony could be leaked, is ridiculous. If Anderson can get out of appearing before the grand jury because there’s the potential for someone to leak his testimony, every guilty party who ever appears before a grand jury could in turn leak their own testimony in an effort to allow other guilty parties to avoid having to appear at future grand juries. Capice?

The All-Star Game. I just included this so I could put it in the headline and maybe get some juice from the search engines. Well now that I think about it, the fact that Kenny Rogers can start this game speaks to the unimportance that is held by the first half of the baseball season. Unless beating up on a defenseless cameraman is important. And how can you introduce Carrie Underwood when she’s about to sing the National Anthem and not mention that she was the winner of American Idol? Has Fox developed a conscience since last year’s horrendous tie in to the horrendous Bad News Bears remake, or were they afraid that she'd suck and didn’t want to make the connection for the three viewers out there who didn’t know this?

And one more thing … Isn’t it amazing how Ozzie Guillen understands English well enough to conduct an interview on national television while managing the all-star game?

The Self-Inflating Whoopee Cushion. Simply the greatest invention, ever. If you doubt me, spend a few non-beach days in a beach house with three boys under the age of 7 and tell me how you can disagree.

That Zidane Guy. It’s nice to see that there are sports idiots plying their trade outside of America who have cost their teams HUGE games by acting like an idiot. And don’t for a minute buy the sports version of the “wag the dog” excuse that the Italian lad called Zidane “a terrorist.” In addition to insulting his mother and his sister, he probably just told Zidane that he kicked like a girl or that French wine was overrated or that he was a pussy. Plain and simple, Zidane lost his cool and cost the French the World Cup. Oh but he won the Golden Ball, which is basically the MVP of the World Cup. So he has that going for him, which is kind of nice.

The World Cup. Soccer uses the worst possible method in which to come up with their putative world champion. Penalty kicks?!? You could argue, as a result of penalty kicks earning a team a championship, that the Italians are not the best soccer team, but the best penalty kickers. No other sport that has a more ineffective way of arriving at a winner in the penultimate game for that sport, than does soccer. Imagine if Wimbledon had a serve-off, the U.S. Open had a putt-off, if the NFL had a field goal kicking contest to settle the Super Bowl, or if baseball used a home run hitting contest to determine a winner in the World Series. No other sport that truly matters takes the game out of the player’s hands and turns the sport into a video game. The NHL does it, but most of us know that the NHL is a joke.

Baltimore Ravens Linebacker Gets Stabbed. Another pro athlete gets stabbed … big deal. At this point teammate Ray Lewis is NOT a suspect.

And so it goes. Now back to the all-star game, and I'll have to avert my eyes whenever Jeannie Zelasko appears on camera.

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About Sal Marinello

  • Dawn

    Damn, that’s one long headline!

  • Some would say that the current OT rules in the NFL DO lead to field goal kicking contests to determine winners. 😉

    Seriously though, I do agree.

    And universally loved? Shhh, don’t tell the turkey club!

  • sal m

    the nfl OT rules definitely need a little work, but at least teams play the game to get to the point where a field goal can be attempted.

    and i didn’t mean to imply that people love the ham sandwich at the expense of all other sandwiches, just that it’s hard to hate a ham sandwich…

  • MCH

    Prior to the “terrorist” accusation, Matterazzi snuck up behind Zidane and pinched him on the nipple.

    Then, according to lip-reading experts, the Italian called Zidane a “liar” and wished “an ugly death to you and your family” on the day the Frenchman’s mother had been taken to hospital ill. Matterazzi then said “Go fuck yourself,” followed by the head-butt.

    To me this incident of antogonism and violence is a microcosm of what’s going on in the Middle East. Imagine the good that could come of this ugly episode if both athletes came together and apologized – admitting they were both wrong – internationally for their behavior…

  • sal m

    these guys would have a lot less pent up hostility if they were allowed to use their hands.

  • Sal, I am so glad that others are questioning FIFAs ‘penalty kick’ ruling. Being a soccer hardcore, I am not into penalty kicks as a deciding factor. Why don’t they just do that at the beginning of the match?

    Still, the best way to decide a championship ending in tie I have seen is with the British FA Cup back in the late 60s, early 70s. Chelsea vs. Leeds United. Tie, overtime play, tie. What to do? Play the game again the week later. Leeds wins a close one.

    Do that now, double the revenue….

  • Oh, and regarding Zidane. I don’t care what was allegedly said or done on the field. A real pro does not retaliate violently causing a shift in momentum leading to the team’s loss. France could have dumped in a goal before the end of the overtime. Instead they had to hang on and take their chances with the questionable penalty kick format.

    If Zidane was that bothered by Matterazzi, he should have taken the ball once in play, channeling his anger into performance energy and just dumped the ball into the goal. Things like that can create unstoppable energy. As a world pro, Zidane should know that.

  • sal m

    there has to be some kind of way to play to a real winner…there’s a need for some creativity here.

  • Given that tens if not hundreds of thousands of people are involved in a match of this stature one way or another, how exactly would they all be able to reassemble up to a week later? It’s unfortunate but for such a large tournament, there has to be a result on the night.

    Douglas, as I’ve previously remarked, some things are more important than football. Not many I grant you but in this case it may well be justifiable action on Zidane’s part. The latest twist is that FIFA are now considering disciplinary action against the Italian player. I hope they ban him!

  • Yeah, it is getting all twisted. Let them figure it out. The politics of it all…

  • I for one loved the head butt, and if that was done more in soccer Americans would want to watch.

    And did anyone else appreciate just how awesome that blow to the sternum was? That was textbook.

    “I like head butts and I can not lie, you other brothers can’t deny …”

  • MCH

    But was the actual force of the head butt really that powerful, or was there perhaps a little bit of acting on the recipient’s part…?

  • Naw, that was a solid hit. It blew Mazzeratti off his feet. The cool thing of it all was the theater of the situation. As if a script was written. I still question the shootout…