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And Now For Something Completely Depressing

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A partial transcript of this week’s Treehouse Fort:

Suss: Alfred Q. Johnnypump, Windermere Florida’s most legendary fire hydrant, suffered a horrific injury when it collided with a golfer just after 2 a.m. on Friday morning. The worst of humanity reared its ugly head when, once the hydrant was pronounced dead in the streets, the neighborhood children began cavorting and laughing in its remains.

Tuffy: Lawrence Frank has been released from his duties as New Jersey Nets head coach today after a Yahoo! Sports news story predicted his ouster Monday. Recently retired player Allen Iverson has tossed his hat into the ring for the gig. Then he tossed 32 more hats and put 11 into the ring.

Suss: With six teams still unbeaten in college, football, TCU became the first team to complete their season at 12-0. Ari Fleischer and the BCS have launched a website labeling the Horned Frogs as enemy combatants.

Tuffy: Tim Tebow continued to lay hands on the CBS advertising bottom line by delivering a 37-10 crucifixion to Florida State Saturday and preserving a 1 vs. 2 matchup between Florida and Alabama next week for the SEC title game. In a show of respect, CBS sideline reporter Tracy Wolfson wore eye black like Tebow’s and, after interviewing Tebow, made the sign of the 15-yard wobbler.

Suss: Bud Selig announced plans to retire as commissioner of baseball in 2012. He has already named his successors, a team of high priests of the Mayan temple at Chichen Itza.

Tuffy: And finally… wait, this just in… on advice of counsel, I choose to postpone the final news item until tomorrow.

Charlie Doherty’s “What Were They Thinking?”

Canadian border patrol agents, for detaining journalist Amy Goodman out of fear she would criticize the upcoming Olympic Games in Vancouver

Allen Iverson, for retiring at age 34

Browns coach Eric Mangini, for suggesting the Detroit Lions faked injuries against them in their 38-37 win last week

Broncos coach Josh McDaniels, for saying saying his team “owned” Chargers before losing to them 32-3

The NFL Network, for mic-ing up McDaniels during a timeout and airing the expletives on Thanksgiving night vs. the Giants

Professional football coaches in Los Angeles (Pete Carroll and Rick Neuheisel), for an unnecessary timeout and subsequent touchdown pass in the final minutes of USC’s 28-7 win over UCLA

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