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An Open Letter to the Terrorists

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Stu Bykofsky, a columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News, recently wrote an essay entitled "To Save America, We Need Another 9/11". It's his thesis that another big attack would unite America, and therefore be a good thing. At first, I was outraged, but after due consideration, I think he might be on to something. So, in an effort to be helpful, I have drafted an open letter to the terrorists, and invite Mr. Bykofsky to sign it and forward it on to Al Queda (if he can find them):

Dear Terrorists:

How's it going? I know you all must be really busy these days, what with all your blowing up things and all. I know it can't be easy being a terrorist. All that sneaking around and hiding can take its toll on a guy. That's why I'm just pleased as punch to let you know that we've changed our mind here in America and have decided that terrorism is a good thing.

So let's bury the hatchet and work together to make America better. A united America is a strong America. That will be our new motto. At the same time, this newfound cooperation will take a lot of the stress off of you guys, and give you more time to relax; spend some time with the kids, maybe have a barbeque. 

So here's my idea. Let's schedule a couple of attacks each year. For us, anytime around Memorial Day or Labor Day would be fine. How does that work for you guys? If you're not sure where to attack us, allow me to suggest the Golden Gate Bridge; it's really quite beautiful and would provide quite a photo opportunity for you. As an option, think about Mt. Rushmore. It's a wonderful symbol of the American presidency, and is in need of renovation anyway. But you know what – surprise us. Anywhere you want to attack is fine with us.

We are so excited to finally be able to work together with you guys. Not only will we be a stronger, more united nation, but you will be able to enjoy those really big explosions and know that you are helping out America at the same time. It's a win-win situation.

Well, you guys take care. America is looking forward to your next big surprise!

All my best to Osama,

Stu

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About Doug DeLong

  • http://www.elitebloggers.com Dave Nalle

    My oh my, you certainly have it in for this Bykofsky fellow.

    After two articles about him you did manage to convince me to go read his article.

    I’m glad I did. He makes some very valid points.

    Pity you’re too partisan and blinkered to get the message.

    Dave

  • Luke

    You honor Swift with your prose. Good work.

  • http://nutsanddicks.blogspot.com Doug DeLong

    Dave,

    Check out his interview on FOX. The man is perfectly serious. Not even a hint of sarcasm.

  • http://nutsanddicks.blogspot.com Doug DeLong

    Yeah. Pity I’m so partisan. I guess I should try to understand the point of view of every right-wing nutcase out there. Maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m wrong.

    Nah.

  • http://nutsanddicks.blogspot.com Doug DeLong

    And by the way, I just noticed that you changed your original comment, which was…

    “Pity you couldn’t see past his sarcasm and get the message.”

    Can I take that to mean that you concede that he wasn’t being sarcastic?

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    I think that he was being sarcastic, but I don’t think the sarcasm was the problem, so much as your particular prejudices.

    Seriously. If you get past the hyperbole and sarcasm in the article, he has a very valid point about the divisiveness in America today and while terroism is an extreme example, it can bring us together.

    Dave

  • http://blogcritics.org/writer.php?name=gonzo%20marx gonzo marx

    well, read the original Article by Bykofski…

    and the man appear to be quite the dangerous lunatic with NO grasp of simple Logic…

    “Remember the community of outrage and national resolve? America had not been so united since the first Day of Infamy – 12/7/41.

    We knew who the enemy was then.

    We knew who the enemy was shortly after 9/11.”

    Bykofsky appears to have missed some simple Facts in his jingoistic screed praying for disaster to unite America behind a failed Presidency…

    like the fact that those who attacked us are in Afghanistan/Pakistan and that Iraq had NOTHING to do with 9/11 at all, ever..in ANY way, shape or form…

    a poor attempt at continuing the conflation between 9/11 and Iraq is EXACTLY what has divided the Nation…most folks who pay any attention at all to the circumstances understands that there is and has never been ANY link between the two events…and concludes that the entire Iraq fiasco is a fruitless and pointless endeavor…the ONLY reason to stay at all is the Responsibility to help fix what we fucked up so completely

    this does not change the fact that the REAL conflict is with those in al Qaeda, residing on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan

    but do note that Bykofsky neglects to mention that at all in his desire to emulate the PNAC wish for “another Pearl Harbor”

    this line – “If it is to be, then let it be. It will take another attack on the homeland to quell the chattering of chipmunks and to restore America’s righteous rage and singular purpose to prevail.” – makes me ashamed that this bastard can even type…but i will defend his Right to have his say…and to continue his career as a congenital idiot

    Excelsior?

  • Lumpy

    He’s you karmic balancing force, gonzo.

  • http://blogcritics.org/writer.php?name=gonzo%20marx gonzo marx

    @ #8 – can’t agree with you there…

    a balancing force of karma is an equal and opposite response to debt/credit accrued

    my karma ran over my dogma years ago

    for this hateful idiocy to be such a response, i would need to fall just as extremely into the diametrically opposing category (such as wanting failure in Iraq for political/partisan gain…which i do NOT desire, i’d much rather see things get sorted out there with a minimal loss of ANY lives and to the benefit of the Iraqis/Kurds themselves)

    poor attempt at both a quip and an attack, imo

    Excelsior?

  • Shocked

    He is so upset over the splintering of society today but he isn’t looking for cohesion through a positive source. He is looking for catastrophe to unite people. This doesn’t sound like a utopia type of environment. It doesn’t even sound like a description of a normal environment. What type of environment does it sound like when someone is literally inviting attacks on their residents? It sounds like a complete perversion. I don’t understand how somebody can base fundamental principals of basic behavior with perversion of twisted ideas of attacks on people to unite them for a better overall purpose. Unity through death by attacks, this a completely sick proposal. People have to die so that they can unite others, who teaches these principals? I’ve never heard of the concept. Yes I do believe when somebody is attacked they will unite together to protect themselves out of fear. This doesn’t mean their political ideals change. Points of view don’t change just because they fought together for defending themselves. I guess I just don’t understand why some people write such slanted perspective stories on such important topics. One thing is for certain, Americas residents have and will always be proud to be Americans as far as I’m concerned. The divisiveness mentioned by the article regarding the politicians in races right now is just that they are vying for a political race with different parties well guess what they are different parties with different points of view so they will be divided naturally dividing the public on issues. Thats the fundamental nature of politics. Political discussions equate to debates with opposing parties trying to convince the crowd of their P.O.V. being correct. So whats that got to do with anything it is the representation of the nature of divisiveness in politics affecting people who follow politics. So if the writer wants to unite people, instead of wanting attacks maybe he should try getting politicians to agree on more issues and spend less time wanting attacks on innocent people.

  • Lumpy

    could be he thinks that only a severe shock will wake up the apathetic and get the attention of the partisan hatemongers.

  • Dr Dreadful

    Oh, are we apathetic now?

    That, of course, explains why most of the country detests Bush and his wars.

    And here’s me thinking that it was because they’re the worst idea since Jonah said, “Shut up, God, I’m trying to buy a boat ticket”.

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    Dr. D., most of the country doesn’t detest Bush. You’re just projecting again. Giving him a low approval rating is hardly the same thing as ‘detesting’ him.

    Dave

  • http://nutsanddicks.blogspot.com Doug DeLong

    For those of you who see merit in Bykofsky’s despicable piece, would you like to serve up yourself or your family to the terrorists?

    I thought not.

    But as long as it’s a few hundred or a few thousand other nameless souls, I guess you have no probelem with that, as long as the nation is “united.” Nice.

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    Doug, no one wants anyone to be a victim of terrorism, but the country does need some motivation to put trivialities aside and focus on things which really matter.

    Bykofsky’s terrorism argument was extreme in order to make that point. You choose to focus on the hyperbole rather than the substance because I suspect you find the actual point hits a little too close to home, having bought into the politicis of partisanship and destruction.

    Dave

  • http://blogcritics.org/writer.php?name=gonzo%20marx gonzo marx

    now there’s some weirdness, in the Bykofsky piece…which is hyperbole and which is substance?

    difficult to tell in what appears to be a straight op-ed piece

    not difficult to tell that any kind of hoping for PEOPLE to be hurt/killed to further or justify a political Agenda is heinous beyond words…

    perhaps those tossing this type of “hyperbole” around might consider that it is exactly this type of baseless fear mongering which has produced and deepened the very “divide” which they seek to eradicate..as is demonstrated indeed by Events since 9/11

    just a Thought…

    Excelsior?

  • http://nutsanddicks.blogspot.com Doug DeLong

    Fine, Dave, maybe you’re right. Maybe I just don’t get his unique style. I guess it’s just my partisan blindness once again getting in the way of true enlightenment.

    But check out this blog piece from Shaun Mullen, a man who worked with Bykofsky at the Daily News for 21 years. He’s got some interesting observations on the man.

  • http://www.republicofdave.com Dave Nalle

    I’ll concede this for you, Doug. Bykofsky does seem a bit strange and a bit gratuitously inflammatory. The same argument could have been made far more diplomatically.

    dave

  • STM

    I hate terrywrists

  • Dr Dreadful

    Evening, Stan.

    Your pathological dislike of tennis players is almost as bizarre as your Union Jack campaign…

    ;-)

  • Clavos

    Doc, Doc, Doc,

    He dwells in Oz!

  • Dr Dreadful

    I don’t get it. Did the Wizard also not like tennis?

  • Clavos

    Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, Doc…

  • STM

    A TV comedy show here did a skit recently where they actually booked domestic airline tickets in the name of Al Kyder and Terry Wrist.

    Of course, they failed to collect them and as departure time approached, they had their camera and sound guy at the check-in counter, where one of the airline’s staff duly called the missing passengers over the Sydney Airport loudspeaker system: “This is the final call for the following passengers on blah blah flight blah blah to Brisbane, which is now boarding: Mr Terry Wrist and Mr Al Kyder, final call for Mr Terry Wrist and Mr Al Kyder … ”

    Tee hee.

  • Dr Dreadful

    #24: It’s sad that if they’d tried that stunt here, the show’s producers, the camera crew, three generations of their families and, just as an afterthought, the airline announcer would probably have been thrown in the hole and told to forget what a lawyer is.

    Saturday Night Live did a skit shortly after 9/11 about the unfortunate town of Mount Arab and its regrettably named citizens Al Kyda, Al Gezzera and Tally Bann, not to mention a store called Old Sammy’s Bin Ladles which had a sudden and inexplicable downturn in business…

  • AhahahahMad in Jihad

    Your days are coming! Allah is in the way to conquer America! Our frontier soldiers are already conquered you land by immigratiom, lwgal and ilegal. What’s a Mexican border for?

  • STM

    Lot of muslim footsoldiers in guadalajara, is there??