Stu Bykofsky, a columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News, recently wrote an essay entitled "To Save America, We Need Another 9/11". It's his thesis that another big attack would unite America, and therefore be a good thing. At first, I was outraged, but after due consideration, I think he might be on to something. So, in an effort to be helpful, I have drafted an open letter to the terrorists, and invite Mr. Bykofsky to sign it and forward it on to Al Queda (if he can find them):
How's it going? I know you all must be really busy these days, what with all your blowing up things and all. I know it can't be easy being a terrorist. All that sneaking around and hiding can take its toll on a guy. That's why I'm just pleased as punch to let you know that we've changed our mind here in America and have decided that terrorism is a good thing.
So let's bury the hatchet and work together to make America better. A united America is a strong America. That will be our new motto. At the same time, this newfound cooperation will take a lot of the stress off of you guys, and give you more time to relax; spend some time with the kids, maybe have a barbeque.
So here's my idea. Let's schedule a couple of attacks each year. For us, anytime around Memorial Day or Labor Day would be fine. How does that work for you guys? If you're not sure where to attack us, allow me to suggest the Golden Gate Bridge; it's really quite beautiful and would provide quite a photo opportunity for you. As an option, think about Mt. Rushmore. It's a wonderful symbol of the American presidency, and is in need of renovation anyway. But you know what – surprise us. Anywhere you want to attack is fine with us.
We are so excited to finally be able to work together with you guys. Not only will we be a stronger, more united nation, but you will be able to enjoy those really big explosions and know that you are helping out America at the same time. It's a win-win situation.
Well, you guys take care. America is looking forward to your next big surprise!
All my best to Osama,