If you read my previous article -– My Teenage Pregnancy -– you’ll know that I had a child I gave up for adoption.[ADBLOCKHERE]His birthday recently passed and he is now almost the same age I was when I had him. I have been thinking about him a lot recently, wondering what he is going to do next with his life. I have also wondered if he thinks about me or if he would like to meet me.
I am in the unusual position of being not only a biological mother but also an adopted child. The thing I most often wondered (before giving my own child up for adoption) was why my mother had given me up. I thought I had done something wrong; maybe I was too fat or ugly or maybe she just didn’t want to be a mother.
I don’t wonder any more. And I don’t want him to either. I want to tell him why; I want him to know that I love him. So I wrote him a letter.
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I want you to know that I think about you every day.
You are now almost the same age that I was when I fell pregnant with you. Can you imagine how it would feel, at seventeen, to be a father? You would panic and feel that the world would never be the same. You may even think that your life as you knew it was over and you’d be right. No matter what decision you made or what action you took, your life could never the same again.
I made the best decision I could. I was a hurt, angry kid and needed to get my head on straight. I could never have helped you become the amazing person I have no doubt you are. I wasn’t strong enough. If I had kept you it would have been disastrous for both of us. It took a long time to come to the decision to give you up for adoption. It was the only choice for us.
I made sure that you were with a family that could love you and take care of you. I knew that it would be hard for me but it was best for you. You must understand that my decision came from love. My love for you drove everything I did during my pregnancy. I quit doing drugs, stopped smoking and even ate better, all for love of you. You saved my life. Without you I would never have been able to move on from the pain of my past. I only ever held you for five minutes and yet I felt more love in those moments than I thought was possible to feel. It was enough love to help me heal.
I remember you as you were the day you were born, the only time I have ever seen you, big round head covered in soft blonde hair, blue eyes and the clearest, whitest skin I have ever seen on a baby. I remember how soft and sweet holding you was. I remember your lovely baby smell and how you gripped my finger when I held your tiny hand.
I love you now as I have always loved you. As I always will.