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An In-Depth Analysis of the Drunken Mind

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Like many college students, I enjoy spending my weekends in a drunken stupor. And like many collegiate scholars, there are many stories of my drunken infamy. Hearing these tales, one often thinks, “What was I thinking?,” because many of these stories reflect a logic not typical of my sober persona.

With this in mind, I have created a translation of the possible logic of Drunk Girl, my drunken alter ego. So these are possible thought processes that go through my mind, based on the stories I have heard of my notorious drunken nights.

Scenario 1: The Case of the Flying Limes

Sober Chelsea: “Oh, a lime on the ground.”
Drunk Girl: “A lime! What fun it would be to throw it full force at my friends! Surely they will think it funny and charming to be hit in the face with a lime!”

Scenario 2: The Safari-Style Work Shirt

S.C.: “I must only wear my work shirt at work.”
D.G.: “If I wear this shirt, I shall take on the persona of a safari ranger, and because of this, I must only be referred to as Ranger Chelsea, because it is only appropriate.”

Alcohol turns this …

Into this. (The horns aren’t fake.)

Scenario 3: When Enough is Enough

S.C.: “It is neither wise nor healthy to drink a pitcher full of random liquors mixed with beer and kool-aid.”
D.G.: “Yes, I believe I will have some more.”

Scenario 4: The Shower Curtain Incident

S.C.: “Surely this shower curtain could not support my weight. Physics simply would not allow it. The shower curtain and shower curtain rod will break.”
D.G.: “How grand it will be to lounge on the shower curtain! And the abruptly landing in the bathtub!”

Scenario 5: True Love

S.C.: “I love my fiance’ Matt. He is the best thing to ever happen to me.”
D.G.: “I love Matt and hate him as a human being!”

Scenario 6: True Love Lost

S.C.: “I have no urge to call my ex-boyfriend.”
D.G.: “I must call my ex-boyfriend and let him know that he is a failure as a human being!”

Scenario 7: The Night’s Abrupt End

S.C.: “Obviously, it is dangerous to walk six blocks home barefoot. There are glass shards everywhere, and I may and will injur myself.”
D.G.: “I am invincible! I am walking home! My feet are not bleeding! Surely I will not go to the emergency room to remove a glass shard out of my foot tomorrow!”

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About Chelsea Smith

  • Nancy

    “…Since the 50s…” ??? Try ‘since the discover of the process of fermentation’. These are amusing, mainly because they (or more importantly, their results) don’t apply to me. In general, however, drunks are pretty annoying, even to their friends, if they have any. I do think a lot of this sort of drinking is a factor of age more than anything else. College students are notorious thru out history for lack of common sense & a proclivity for getting wasted/doing stupid stuff when they should be studying. Most of us grow out of it, fortunately. This article reminds me why I don’t drink, & how grateful I am I grew out of this stage. Thanks.

  • This is actually pretty funny I don’t know what you guys are complaining about.

  • but, it IS possible to have fun while drunk
    Some mates and i had a snowball fight early this year, when we were on our way back from the pub. Now that really was fun

  • Duane writes: “Everyone has done this shit. It’s a complete waste of time

    Reply: Don’t make such broad generalizations, Duane. No, everyone did not do this sort of thing. Some of us were too busy trying to get through college to blow a night drinking (or smoking, or snorting, or whatever else these kids are doing these days). I would like to say something noble as a reason, but I was just too damned insecure in college – firmly believeing my working-class ass was not equal to the task – to waste even one night without book in hand.

    Call me a nerd or even a geek now.




  • Duane

    Yeah, Bob is right. Even about the fiance. It’s way too early to think about marriage, unless you’re planning to flunk out of school. You shouldn’t marry until you’re set up in a real job. You might get the chance to go into the job of your dreams in Zurich or something, and Bob lands a job working for Prudential in Akron, and well, you are screwed.

    Drunk stories seem funny because you forget that college students have been doing that shit since the 50s. It’s cliche. Get drunk and have one of your friends tell your other friends about all the crazy things you did last night. Hahaha… and then she goes up to this guy she doesn’t even know … and … hahaha … grabs the guy’s drink right out of his hand … haha …. and he’s all ‘hey what’s the deal?’ … and then hahaha … she grabs his hand and writes her number on it with salsa … hahahaha … and then she turns around and pukes up her spaghetti dinner all over Traci’s boyfriend … blablablabla. Everyone has done this shit. It’s a complete waste of time.

  • These aren’t cute. They’re boring.

    “Drunk girl” was some bad Saturday Night Live bit a few years ago.

    Drunk stories are overrated — people always use alcohol as an excuse for their own lame stupidity.

    If you want to be hot, Chelsea, drink less and act like you’re too good for the party. The hottest girl never gets trashed and never wakes up some ugly guy’s bed in the morning. The pigs who get really loaded and are really easy are never any fun unless you can get 2 of them.

    College is good times, though. Dump that lame fiance and enjoy — you know you and he will just end up cheating anyway.

    That is all.

  • After I got drunk after two beers, I knew that would be the end of drinking. Well, at least not wine. I’m trying to get into that.

  • Never been drunk myself. Thanks for reminding me why that is.