American Idol’s Passion Is Motown Funky
Chapter 5: Spoofing My Religion
By: The Raging Critic
Just two short weeks ago we were treated to the gospel roots of soul music. Tonight, we are taking on its descendent genre now known as Motown. You see, slavery and religion begat soul music, which begat funk music, which begat Motown music, which begat R&B, which begat Pop, which begat American Idol.
Wow – pass me the holy water now please!
So in the spirit of this week’s theme, I tossed my lasso and chaps into the closet and reached for the nearest bass guitar and started to strum!!!! I gathered up all of this season’s church-choir-singing idols (pretty much everyone except John Peter Potatogeist) and prepared to find the real PASSION of Motown!
Seatriscuit then pops out of my closet and runs onto the stage (hey – he is “OUT” now, remember). He looks as angelic as ever in his pretty white suit. He then tells us that The Funk Brothers are here to provide us with some lovely background music. WOOOOHOOOO! It is finally safe to clean those cobwebs out from the Studio A basement! It’s time for a little revival!
Next, Seatricsuit brings out our first set of guest judges this season! It’s a bird, it’s a plane, no – – – IT’s IT’s – – – Ashford and Simpson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The camera pans over to the dynamic duo and…….EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK…… OH MAH GAWD – – It’s JESUS!!!! I could have sworn they said he was from Nazareth. Maybe that got lost in translation and he was really from Nairobi???? Hmmmmm. I guess we should all just try to get along since we can’t ever seem to agree – – – – right?????
Seriously though folks – what is it with the 1970’s funked out brothers? They still have their long hair!!! Remember Verdine White from last season???? I would have actually believed that Ashford was Jesus. But then I recall that Mel Gibson already showed the world the true story of Jesus! That’s right, we all know he is really Jim Caviezal!
But before the last supper gets cold, lets line up the apostles from Judas Priest to Jumping Jahosaphets…
10. Jon Stevens – “My Girl” -Temptations
Opie the Red Snapper comes out and he is dressed to kill. Unfortunately, so were his vocal cords. With one sweeping blow of his terrible song choice, Jon Stevens killed all of us tonight. He had a really rough time with the high notes and at one point, he even choked on his own vibrato!!!! SOMEONE SMACK THIS POOR CROONER ON HIS BACK PLEASE!!!!! I think he has a lyric or two lodged in his windpipe!
Randy said you were rough. Paula said you were safe. Right Paula, while Opie is playing it safe he is putting all of us in harms way! Ashford climbed down from the cross and called you pure and innocent. Simon said your grandparents were cute. I say you need to clear your throat and get the funk outta town! The Bible says we can eat the fish, so I say we feed this Red Snapper to the audience and get on with our little show next week.
9. Camile Velasco – “For Once In My Life” -Stevie Wonder
Camille still has the SARS virus. Either that or she has a major booger problem. But to add insult to her injurious melody, she came onstage tonight all wrapped up in Opie’s grandmother’s afghan. WHHHAAAAT? Someone please help this girl! She could not even shop properly at the Salvation Army. She starts her song with a little, “everybody give it up” intro. Sure Camile – like I am gonna give it up for this performance?????? She kept bouncing and bouncing as she tried to sing this song. Camille, this is MO-TOWN, not the theme song to MO-ESHA! Get a grip!
Randy said it was aiiiiiiight. Paula said it was your best performance (UGH). Ashford said he was entranced by your eyes. Simpson started praying for you on the rosary (yes, it was this bad). Simon said you did not raise the bar. Camile – – for once in my life I can finally say that I heard a woman fart from her throat! And that is a bloody miracle!
Tito – pass her some tissue!
8. John Peter Lewis – “This Old Heart Of Mine” -The Isley Brothers (and Rod Stewart)
John Peter was on his best behavior tonight. Ashford’s presence must have intimidated the demons living inside him. He managed to keep the googly eyes and trance possession shakedowns at a bare minimum tonight. Nevertheless, he shook enough so that I could not read the words on his shirt. I am sure it was a subliminal message hypnotizing even more crazy viewers…. WAKE UP AMERICA! Neverthless, he abducted the audience and they gave him a standing ovation???? Yep – they’re possessed alright!!! They are possessed by a really bad impersonation of Kevin Bacon in the movie Footloose!
Randy said your voice was not kicking tonight. Everybody cut, everybody cut!!!!!!! Paula could not think of anything nice to say so she praised the band. Simpson said you did your thang! Simon said your dancing is horrendous. Although you were flat, I will give you two snaps and an extra point for your groovy little coat tonight – and coming from me, that is a total compliment!!! I did notice that Ashford the Holy Ghost steered clear of your demonic self. Somehow this comes as no surprise.
7. Diana DeGarmo – “Do You Love Me” -The Contours
Diana mosies onstage tonight and she looks like she is competing in Pentecostal Idol. She also had a cheesy smile plastered all over her face. She screamed and hollered so loud that one would have thought she was speaking in tongues. She danced around charismatically and bobbled her Holly Hobby hairdo all around the stage. And then, just when I thought I could not get more freaked out, the camera pans into the audience and they show me Julia Frickin’ Demato!! AAAAAAAAAAAAH! Pass me the crucufix pleeeeeeease!
Randy said you had the performance of the night. Paula said you can blow. WHAAAAAAAAT? Diana – – you little dime store hussy you!!!!! Simpson said you served it out [Diana then looked over and asked, “who is this again, and why does she think she is narrating a tennis match???] Simon called it a high school production and Julia DeMato jumped up and started cheering (Julia thinks that was a compliment). I say DeMato, you say DeGarmo – let’s call the whole high school production off! I agree with Simon. It was total cheese!
6. Jennifer Hudson – “Heat Wave” -Martha And The Vandellas
J-Hud wobbled onto the stage and she is burning up like a Heat Wave. She still has her paper shredded hairdo strapped to her noggin’ and she ain’t about to apologize about it either. She gyrated and shantayed her fabulous self all over the stage like she was Miss Tyra Banks. Unfortunately though for J-Hud, this show is NOT Top Model. The performance was good, but not as good as the others. However, I will admit that she pulled this off much better than K-Lo did last season. So, do your thing and walk down that runway.
Randy said, “yo yo yo yo yo.” Paula said you sounded great. Simpson said you hit the big notes. I say we hit the gong behind her next week if she doesn’t step it up. Simon said you were “entertaining, manic, mad, and good.” Sheeeeesh Simon, thanks for divulging your perverted affections!
5. Amy Adams – “Dancing In The Streets”-Martha Reeves
Amy has decided to sing a slutty little number. This little ditty was perky and cute and practically prostitutional. Ooooooh, I just loved it! Unfortunately, though, I do not think America will. Amy is just not closing the deal with America and the course of her own song illustrated this fact. She belted out a great number, but her volume control was lacking and the ending was a total train wreck. This little dance in the sheets ended up being a cold night under the covers for me. BRRRRRRRRR!
Randy and Paula said you murdered the last note. Simpson said you weren’t original. WOW! Aren’t weeeeee a snappy little guest judge????????? Then again, I would be catty too if I was married Jesus of Nairobi. You go Miss Simpson. Mr. Cowell then banters on about how you look like Jay Leno. I say you walk over to him after the show tomorrow night and smack him for that comment. That was an all time low blow (teeee hee hee).
4. Jasmine Trias – “You’re All I Need To Get By” -Marvin Gaye
Jazz Tree has decided to commit American Idol suicide tonight. She made the tragic mistake of singing a Kelly Clarkson song. Ummmm – Earth to Jasmine – are you a total moron or what?????? Whether you love Kelly Clarkson or hate her now, there is no denying that every performance she had during American Idol I was tremendous. She defined this show just as much as Simon Cowell himself.
Randy said you were pitchy. Paula indicated that she was tone deaf tonight and was not able to judge. Ashford said he wrote this gospel and he loved the way you sang it. Simon said you were the best so far tonight. I say you are just not bright. And although you did well tonight, all of America sat at home and compared you to Kelly. And guess what, Kelly wins!!!!!!
It is not wise to sing anything that another idol has sung well. America, please call 1-800-IAM-2PID and cast your vote for Jasmine tonight. And tell ‘em that The Raging Critic sent ya!
3. LaToya London – “Ooh Baby Baby” -The Miracles
OOOOOOHHH Baby Baby. LaToya’s voice has got America making them babies!!!!! Tonight we heard some funky-smooth, making-love music!!!!! But guuurlfirend – – I got to tell you one thing! That hair was just downright wrong tonight. Did Steven Cojocaru give you some triple-wide extensions with those triple kisses last week, or did Amy Adams get you drunk last night and convince you to let her do your hair???? You looked like the taller, older, black, female version of Bam Bam!
Nevertheless, I love Miss London to pieces. She is a lyrical marvel and we must show her some respect. Therefore, I propose that we make a toast to her fabulousness and forever dub her as “La Bam Bam!”
Randy said he was not liking the hair. Paula said you can do no wrong. The Last Temptation of Ashford started to air as he applauded your sex appeal. Simon said you look like you had a cat on your head. SHEEEESH! He only wishes.
2. George Huff – “Ain’t To Proud To Beg” -The Temptations
George Huff is sick of being an underdog. He decided to turn the stage into a boxing ring as he pelted the other idols with his amazing talent. This choir boy put the tabernacle boxing gloves on and knocked a religious experience right into America. Tonight we saw the true spirit of Motown. Thank you George Huff!
As George ended his number he tossed a slobber-covered, sweat-sopping towel into the audience. I started to feel like I was watching Rocky and Adrian all over again. I think the woman who caught it drowned in her seat though. Paramedics had not yet left the scene by the time the show ended and we were forced to watch that 90210 rip-off they call the O.C. ICK!
Randy said this was your night. Paula said you are a front man. Simpson said you “don’t need no microphone.” I say we don’t need no stinking guest judges this season!!!!!!! Simon agrees but did not say it tonight. Instead, he took back his harsh words from days past and started to praise you!
George was flabbergasted by Simon’s kind words. He acted as if he had seen the holy ghost. He started yelling “OH maah gaaaaaaawd. OH maah gaaaaaaaaawd. Praise Jesus!” George, he’s sitting right in front of you, so praise away!
1. Fantasia Barrino – “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” -Marvin Gaye
The California Raisins start doing their conga line onto the stage and there’s Miss Fantasia – – strollin’ along at the end of the line grinning ear to ear with those effervescent lips. She leaped off the old raisins and ran over to the band for an intimate night with Ms. Fantasia Barrino and The Funk Brothers. It was sultry. It was sleak. It was simply divine. And we need some divine voter intervention because this woman is a miracle! Not only can she sing like no other, but she can say the words “yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah” and manage to get away with it.
Randy said you were absolutely brilliant. Paula said she has been touched. Simon said you were superb. Ashford called you Fantasia Fantasic. However, he left out one other word – – – F-A-N-T-A-B-U-L-O-U-S! Paula may have been touched by your stage presence, but America was touched by an angel, and her name is Fantasia Barrino.
The bottom three will be Camile, Jon Stevens, and Jennifer Hudson. Camile will get the boot – or, at least if my prayers are answered tonight.
Which reminds me…
I would like to end this review with a little bedtime prayer (remember, tonight’s chapter is on religion). However, tonight’s prayer is to LaToya, the Goddess of Song…
LaToya, if you can get an overweight, heterosexual, fortysomething, black-balding, record-producing, idol-judging man to take the time to notice your hair???????? Well, then, you gotta look at this as a sign from Jesus.
Why you might ask?
Well, because men don’t notice women’s hair unless it is a total mess. And girl yours took the cake.
And lucky for you, Jesus was here tonight (hehehe). He appeared tonight in the form of Ashford. Ashford wore a goofy hairdo so you could realize just how silly you looked onstage tonight.
Yes, my little La Bam Bam, the Lord works in mysterious ways and he is as solid as a rock.
Now, go change your hair.
CU Tomorrow Nite!
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