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American Idol Tries To Turn The Beat Around (Chapter 12)

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American Idol Tries To Turn The Beat Around
Chapter 12: The Magical Afro-Cuban Samba

By: The Raging Critic

I swear!!!!!! The American Idol demons must have been released with John Peter Poltergeist’s dismissal. First we have the Jennifer Hudson Catastrophe (a day that shall be forever called, Black Wednesday – – – – – no pun intended). Then, the producers give us the ole’ one-two punch by shoving SALSA down our throats! GADZOOKS!

You see – – – I live in Miami (a.k.a. Cuba Minor). I am married to a Cuban (well, sorta) and I am the closest thing to Cubano that any gringo can ever strive to become. As you already know, Gloria Estefan is the queen of my newfound people. She is the beat that ticks within every little hoochie mama who dances on the bar at Mango’s Cafe. She is the ebb and flow of today’s Cuban pop culture. However, she is also the ebb and flow of my esophagus. When I hear her music I practically toss all of the cookies that Ruben Studdard tried to steal from my cookie jar last season. PEOPLE – – – – – – – – – I LOOOOOOOATHE GLORIA ESTEFAN!

In preparation for tonight’s show, I made a quick trip to get my shells read from a Santera lady. For those of you who live in the cornfields of America, Santeros and Santeras are priests of Cuba’s syncretized religion – Santeria. To save you any confusion, let us just assume it is the same thing as Voodoo (even though it is a little different). Santeros beat drums to call down the spirits! It is suuuuuuper cool. Spirits come down and possess people and they shake all around – sorta like John Peter Lewis. Anyway, these drum beats are still found today in almost every Jazz or Latin CD. So, Santeria is more significant to your everyday life than you might have originally thought.

Now, back to tonight’s show – – – I am out to RID THIS PLACE OF JON OPIE STEVENS!!!!! Sooooooooo, I paid the Santera lady my 21 dollars tonight. I am on a mission to save this show from any further disasters. We had to sacrifice 205 chickens. You see, Santeros also sacrifice farm animals. But hey, that is way better than listening to Jon Stevens sing right? If he does not get booted tomorrow, I am gonna march back over to that Santera’s house and demand for my twenty one dollars back – and I am taking half of America with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The drums started to roll and the show was underway – Cubano-style! Seatriscuit does the Macarena onto the stage. He is covered with feathers and is grinning from ear to ear. He flounders across the stage and introduces the Queen Mommy herself – Senora Gloria Estefan.


So, without further ado (and before I get sick to my stomach), let’s line up our amigos from seis to uno (for all of you Jon Stevens fans out there – that means “six to one”)!

SEIS. Jon Stevens- “Music of My Heart”

Ladies and gentlemen – – – I have found the solution to peace in the Middle East! We must pack up Jon Stevens and ship him to Baghdad. We must force him to sing the morning prayer across the city’s loudspeakers so we can bore them all death!!!!!!!!

Opie makes his smashing return. UGH! Meanwhile, the accountants across America are tuning in as if this performance were a Viagra pill. Opie appears onstage composed and confident. He is here to sing for grandma. Awwwwwww! How cute! Maybe we can all get together and snort lines of Geritol while we’re at it! It practically sounds like a hot night at the nursing home!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEW!

Salsa queen in the house or no Salsa queen in the house, this performance royally sucked tonight! It lacked any artistic integrity what-so-evah! The song was monotone. He was off key and out of tune from start to finish. And to make matters worse, his high notes sounded as if Orca and Shamoo were having a three-way with Free Willy. I mean – – it sounded just like Daryl Hannah’s mermaid name in the movie Splash! What the hell was this??????

Randy said you were horrendous. Gloria said you made your abuela proud. Paula put on her fake face and said you did your best. Simon said you were like chocolate ice cream and an onion. I say – if this is the music of your heart, then go see a doctor – – cuz you got ANGINA of the throat!

CINCO. George Huff – “Live For Loving You”

OOOOOOOOOOH LALALA LALALALA! Georgie Huff is gonna live for loving us tonight! It’s so sweet and so cute. It almost makes me wanna stick my finger in my nose and rip a big fart! I mean, can this dopey-innocent-thing give it a rest already??????????? I was waiting for George to glance over to the camera and sing, “my mama done told me to sing you this so-oooong.” DUUUUUUH! Let’s all hug him and squeeze him and call him George!!!!

George starts his song with his best face-aerobics routine. His eyebrows go up while his lips go to the right. His nostrils flare while his ears wiggle. His cheeks blow up while his tongue sticks out. GEORGE – WHY DON’T YOU SIT DOWN AND TAKE A LOAD OFF YOUR FACE, BUDDY??? I say we send him to the esteemed team of doctors over at the Transsexual Swan studio and ask them to reconnect a few neurons so he can finally give his poor face a rest.

But Georgie fluttered about the stage and tried to eek out some Cuban Fla-Vah! He tried to dance like he was J-Lo but he kept tapping his feet all about. EARTH TO GEORGIE- THIS IS LATIN MUSIC – IT’S ALL IN THE HIPS DEAR! Regardless though, George Huff is an excellent singer! It wasn’t the best performance in the whole world, but how can we really judge him on this? He was forced to sing GLORIA-FRICKIN-ESTEFAN for cuh-rying out loud!!!!!!!!!!!

Randy said it was hard to get with the rhythm with the latinos (speak for yourself Randy). Gloria just loves your personality. Oh jeeeeze Gloria – don’t be so transparent!!!! Paula couldn’t stop playing footsie with Simon and she giggled like a total goofball. Simon called it amateur-ish. I say it sounded like POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP LALALA LALALALA!

QUATRO. Jasmine Trias – “Here We Are”

Jasmine is looking super tonight. She is wearing her hair all spikey as if she were Miss Lucy Liu herself. It is almost as if she shipped it back home with fellow island girl, Camile. At any rate, Jasmine is here to prove to America that she really belongs in this gig. Since she was part of the ridiculed top three last week, she had to sing something extra special in order to save herself from all of the angry Fantasia and LaToya fans. Unfortunately, Jasmine delivered a subpar performance tonight. She just did not measure up – even during a night of mediocrity.

The song had a few tosses and turns and the high notes needed tweaking. It wasn’t excruciating but it wasn’t really enjoyable either. She then sang the line, “and no one knows what’s going on inside.” When I heard this line, I perked up and screamed into my television set, “I KNOW – YOUR RANGE WENT ON A SIESTA – THAT’S WHAT’S GOING ON INSIDE – HONEY!”

Randy said it was a total 7. Gloria called you beautiful but secretly wants you off this gig. This country is not big enough for TWO ISLAND GIRLS – and by golly, Gloria is the reigning queen. Paula called it better than pleasant as she and Gloria practically started necking like lesbians. Did anyone else pick up on this???????? Simon said it sounded like an imitation elevator song. Um, GOING DOWN ANYONE???????

TRES. Fantasia Barrino – “Get On Your Feet”

OHHHHH! MAH GAWD! No she didn’t run onstage and scream, “THIS ONE IS FOR JENNIFER HUDSON YA’LL!” I sat in my chair and wondered whether I thought it was cool or whether it was cheesy. I then realized that it was probably cheesy if I had to actually stop and think about it. Bobo made a Boo Boo, but I ain’t gonna be mad at her for it.

Fantasia perks up with her new groovy flat hairdo. She is bouncing around in her superfly sistah dress and she is trying to get America on their feet. As much as I love me some Fantasia, this song was just not good for her. She screamed the song out. It was not controlled. She did not hold a note longer than one single solitary second. And quite frankly, this girl cannot do the salsa.

Randy said it was a great performance but he hesitated on your vocals. Gloria said you haven’t missed a note yet. Paula then defies all logic and tells America that this show had suddenly gone from a singing competition and changed into a performing competition. HELLLOOOO PAULA! Make up your friggin’ mind already!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Simon said you looked like Donald Duck in high heels. OOOH BOY! Fantasia, I say we take off those heels of yours and re-enact my favorite scene from Single White Female and we wallop Simon in the face. That was just plain rude (then again, look who’s talkin’ – wink wink).

DOS. Diana DeGarmo – “Turn The Beat Around”

John and Patsy Ramsey are in the audience tonight. Their daughter, Diana, is here to turn the beat around. Diana ran onstage caked with makeup and dressed in streamers. I think she robbed her Sunday school teacher’s classroom for her costume tonight. THAT EVIL LITTLE WINCH! And speaking of evil, John Peter Lewis was in the audience tonight. I think he came straight to the studio after filming that stupid COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO Ford Focus commercial.

The performance was dynamite, especially for Diana. She hammed it up with the guitar player. She commanded the stage like she owned the place. She didn’t miss a note. And folks, this number was energetic. It was fun and colorful and it made me smile. Diana DeGarmo had her best night thus far.

Randy said you had mad talent. Gloria thanked you for giving her Sound Machine some recognition. WHATEVER GLORIA, YOU ARE THE SELFISH ONE THAT DROPPED “MIAMI SOUND MACHINE” FROM YOUR BAND’S NAME! You self-centered sucia! Paula said she was proud of you and Simon said you needed to go shopping (HEY – CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE CALL TRENYCE??????) Although the show failed to turn the beat around tonight, you managed to turn yourself around. Good for you Diana!

UNO. LaToya London – “The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You”


Shazam. LaToya London is here tonight and she is going to call down the spirits tonight. She has come to sing an ode to Oya (she is and Orisha in Santeria, which us gringos commonly refer to as “the wind”). She has decided to bypass the whole chicken business and she is going to call down the spirits by throwing a drum party in American Idol Arena. That’s right, we are organizing a group conspiracy to rid this show of Opie once and for all.

When she sings “The Rhythm is Gonna Get You” I feel as if I am hearing the old song, “they’re coming to take me away – ahah.” It was that I-N-S-A-N-E! As the bata drums pounded away, Miss LaToya started to groove. She spun around milliseconds after rolling her head across her shoulders. She then regained her balance in an instant and marched this number all the way to the finish line. She came here to win this thing and by golly, it’s time!!!!! For the first time all season, I can safely say that my favorite contestant was the number one singer of the night. Wait a minute . . . make that NUMERO UNO!

Randy said you knew how to work the band. RANDY!!!!!! You dirty dawg! Gloria said she knew you were going to be better. HUH???? Paula said she wants more than a minute and a half of you. EEEEEEEEEEW! Paula – stick with Gloria and leave my LaToya alone! Simon said you saved yourself from being boring. WHATEVER SIMON! I’m with the nerd in the audience with the sign – – – I AM LIVIN’ LA VIDA LATOYA! The rhythm got me alright. Whether it was LaToya or Oya is something I shall keep a secret.

(and George, take some lessons from LaToya……….that is how you move your hips, dear)

My Take:

Tonight is serious business folks. I am still trying to shake my ill feelings toward the show. Then, they bring Gloria Estefan into the mess????? Needles to say, I am not surprised that everyone totally sucked tonight. Although Miss Estefan may be a super nice person, I am just not inspired by her music. Apparently, our idols weren’t inspired by it either.

I think the bottom three will be Opie, Jasmine, and Fantasia. Jasmine will get the boot. But remember, there are 205 chickens who died for Opie’s sins. So, PETA better send Vanessa Olivarez in to pick up Jon Stevens. Cuz if he doesn’t go home tomorrow night, I’ll go after the goats.

Opie’s fans are so lost in la la land, that they don’t realize how retarded America really thinks they are. These people are nerdy brainiacs in our population. We all know one or two. One half spends 100 hours a week building model airplanes while the other half spends 100 hours a week building machines that power dial for this red-headed stepchild. Either way, I think they are all sniffing glue – or better yet, GERITOL!

Diana must be doing well in the voting world. Otherwise, there is no way Simon would have criticized her performance tonight. It is apparent he wants either Fantasia or LaToya to win, so maybe Diana is a legitimate threat????? Hmmmmmm. Now there is an interesting twist.

But tonight, I am going to have a heart to heart regarding Fantasia. Yes I realize that LaToya is my favorite, but I am here to make my case for a girl that is not as popular as she should be….

If one more person compares this girl to Macy Gray, I am going to sh!t fire. Macy Gray sounds like she is wheezing when she sings. Fantasia does NOT! Sure, she can sing rough and raspy when she wants to, but what makes her FANTASTIC is that she can tone it down and give you something crisp, clear, and DE-VINE! Sure tonight’s song wasn’t the best, but let’s face it, the theme sucked! It is simply too far removed from the concept of this whole show. We are looking for the next American Idol, NOT the afterbirth of Shakira!

Some people don’t think Fantasia is “idol material” because she has a bad attitude and talks back to the judges. UMMMM. Hellooooooo people? She is not a twelve year old in school!!!!!!! Our President used to snort cocaine. Our former President used to smoke marijuana. They both captured enough votes to rule the free world. Priests, Michael Jackson, and R. Kelly all molest children, but America has not abandoned these upstanding people yet. But somehow Fantasia Barrino is a bad example????? I shall shake my head while America distracts themselves from the truth.

I walked away from my television set and another Ford Focus commercial popped on – – – COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOOOOO!

BANG! (correction = 206)

Now – who wants chicken for dinner tonight?

Cuz, I’ve got plenty!

CU Tomorrow Nite! (ADIOS!)

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