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American Idol Torches A Spark

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American Idol Torches A Spark
Chapter 6: Poltergeist
By: The Raging Critic

Last night was a crazy night I tell ya! Before I laid me down to sleep, my television turned on all by itself. I sat up and shrieked with sheer horror. And all of a sudden, I could hear a little girl screaming. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I leaped to my feet and instantly ran to the tube. I pressed my hands firmly upon the screen to ask who was there.

I started to yell out “Carol Anne, run from the light – RUN FROM THE LIGHT!” Within an instant, Carol Anne reached out and grabbed me and sucked me into the tube!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! There’s John Peter Poltergeist! I was terrified! I have been captured by him and that creepy Carol Anne girl! No, wait a minute – – – – –


Yes folks, I was sucked right inside the American Idol television show tonight. YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEE!

Seatriscuit floats across the room like Casper the Friendly Ghost. He is dodging all of the signs carried by scores of loony tune fans! He tells us that the show of the popularity is soaring. Well, now that America has gotten to know these kids, all of the maniacs have brought their signs and they are ready to toss their least favorite into the bonfire.

He introduces the top ten and they are looking as valiant as ever. George Huff was smiling ear to ear tonight. He was relieved to hear that the woman he almost drowned in the audience last night fully recovered. LaToya is looking like a GENIE in a bottle as she pirouetted around the stage. And suddenly we are in our first big group number!!!!!


The gang strutted out and was chirping out a little Motown tune written by Ashford of Nairobi and his trusty sidekick, Simpson – – – “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough!”

And away they went. They danced all over the stage like a bunch of Old Navy commercial rejects. The only thing missing was Morgan Fairchild and some creepy looking twins with glowing teeth. BLING! J-Hud has gotten herself a Marlo Thomas, “That Black Girl” hairdo. FIERCE! Opie was snapping his little red self all over the place. Camile decided to pull off the Hawaiian version of Bjork with that hair she was wearing. Just call her C&H PURE CANE SUGARCUBES!

Even though the singing was pretty decent, it got gayer and gayer and gayer as the song waged on like a longstanding war. HOLY SHOW CHOIR IDOL!!!!!!!!!! They were waving and clapping and “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhh-ing” until I started to turn green. I looked just like Linda Blair and then I realized, that I was under John Peter’s hypnotic spell!!!! EEEEEEEK! But I held back the bile and it only got worse. They started doing a pom pon squad routine like they were doing a halftime show. Then, they got into a line and flung their hands into the air for the big finish.


Who is putting these goofy group numbers together? Sparky Polastri????? The only thing missing were the spirit fingers. HYSTERICAL!

Pom pon squads?

Clapping and snapping?

Fake happy faces plastered all over the stage?

Big hand-raising finish?

Folks -do you remember when Simon told Diana that she gave a high school production??? Well, for those of you who did not get it, that group number had all of the qualities of a high school production – except for those corny glittery outfits!

Seatriscuit then leaps out from the pom pod squad and he is ready to give us the rundown. It’s time to toss one of these kiddies into the bonfire and give little Carol Ann a playmate behind that snowy television screen (By the way, tonight’s chapter is on Poltergeist, so if you are lost, then you need to get with the program and go rent Poltergeist – RIGHT NOW).

Fantasia – You’ve got some funky cool eye shadow on tonight and you look like you are ready for the remake video for “Love Is A Battlefield.” Girl – You are SAFE! WOOOOHOOO! Fantasia jumped up and started dancing around and pumped her fist all over the place. FANTASIA????? Helloooooo? Be polite! We are booting Camile off tonight remember????????

John Peter Poltergeist – I ran at the sight of John Peter tonight. I was sucked into his Poltergeist-like world tonight, so I am in his territory and I fear him. He was safe and that’s all I can tell you. NOW SOMEBODY HELP ME FIND THE LIGHT SO I CAN GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE!!!!

Jazz Tree – Jasmine decided to come to the show tonight dresses as a blooming pineapple. She looks nervous after realizing her 2PID-ity last night after singing a Kelly Clarkson song. Lucky for Jasmine, pineapples are in season right now, so she can hang around a little while longer. But girlfriend – take some friendly advice – do not sing anything by Kelly or Clay.

George – George’s face zoomed into a super large display. He is twitching and twisting like an 8 year-old with ADHD. GET THIS BOY SOME RITALIN STAT! Seatriscuit then calms his nerves and gives him the nod of safety. WHEW! Whatever, we all knew he was going to be safe. J-Hud, Camile, and Opie are in the bottom three remember??????

Amy – The camera darts over to Amy and she is shaking like a mad woman. She has ditched the loving peppy side of herself for only a brief moment. Ryan then tells Amy that she is off to the bottom three. WHAAAAAAAAAAT? OH NO! Nevertheless, Amy maintains her chipper composure and graciously walks over to center stage.

J-Hud – You got yourself some snazzy hair tonight. Although I do not think you deserve to be in the bottom three yet, I can’t help but think your number is up tonight. Sure enough, Ryan delivered the fateful blow and Jennifer traipsed over to the bonfire with Jay Leno’s long lost sister.

Diana – Next up was Diana. She looked petrified!!!! With the amount of tremors in her facial muscles, Diana is showing signs of a mental meltdown. THANK GOODNESS HER GOOD FRIEND JULIA DEMATO IS IN THE HOUSE!!! Can we say, “group therapy?” Diana, darling, you are safe! Can someone please get this girl a shrink before the end of the week? Otherwise, she will not be able to make it much longer.

Camile – Bjorkaloha is crying. She is apparently having teary eyes along with her sinus infection and other messy ENT problems. Either that or she is baked outta her gourd! Seatriscuit then tells her she is safe. UGH! I knew that Carmen (oops, I mean, Camile) would still be here since she was not one of the last two in the lineup.

Oh well, Opie is gonna fry, right??????

LaToya and Opie– Opie is sweating bullets now because everyone knows LaToya London is going to face off against Fantasia in the final!!!! LaToya – you may look like a Genie in a Bottle tonight, but you must have rubbed America the wrong way, you are in the bottom three!!!!!



Luckily for those of us at home, Ryan sent LaToya back to safety. I was shaking with anger and was prepared to wage a war against all of Opie’s voters and all of Camile’s fans. Is anybody paying attention this season?????

Amy and J-Hud stood there numb and confused. April Fools day is tomorrow so there is no chance of a sick and twisted joke! As those of us at home were teetering and tottering between denial and acceptance, Ryan delivered the last strike of the match and set the bonfire ablaze.

Amy Adams – you are finished!

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Are you kidding me????????

Everybody knows that the three worst singers are John Peter, Opie, and Camile. The fact that none of these three made it to the bottom three is proof that somebody has taken this show by hostage. My bet is on John Peter and his demonic fans. Somebody, prepare for the inquisition before its too late.

America can rest itself assured that a country music megastar has been born. Amy Adams is going to be a star. You mark my words! However, American Idol just lost a great big ray of light as the show grew to a dimming close. Amy Adams was a spark in the AI3 ensemble. Her early departure is certainly a saddening surprise.

Darkness started to settle and I suddenly could not see any light! Someone please, tell me where the light went?????????????

I then heard the voice of a fat little midgety-dwarf woman playing a church organ. She sounded like a member of the Lollypop Guild. She was screaming to me, “RAGE, RAGE, come into the light, come into the light.” SO, I ran to the light and then instantly fell out of my television set and onto the floor.

“Whew,” was that a crazy night or what? I knew then that the only thing that would make America wake up and start voting for talent would be to seek assistance from a little help from my drag queen friend, Miss Divine Intervention. She is my boveda (my spiritual shrine).

I then flicked off my television set and walked over to my boveda. I asked my spirits to tell me what I needed to do in order to cleanse America from this demonic possession. They whispered to me and gave me the magic answer. So, I lit my candle and dedicated it to the spirit of Miss Amy Adams. I then walked over to my computer, clapped my hands two times, and slowly walked away.


(I surely hope so………)

CU Next Tuesday!

I am The Raging Critic – and I approve this message!

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  • Eric Olsen

    Right on, RC, America sucked dog ass Tuesday night.

  • (Repost)

    You obviously do not understand how Idol voting works…

    Did it ever occur to anyone besides myself that there is a HUGE difference between voting people off and voting to keep people on?

    If Idol voting had been to vote off the person you want off, it would have been a Camille vs. Jon Stevens slugfest.

    BUT since you vote for you want on, if someone has a bad night + a large fan base, those fans are inspired to vote. Further the top people’s fans are always inspired to vote. That left Amy Adams, good but with a small voting fan base, out of the loop.

    FOX does the vote who you want to stay on purposely. They find it more interestingly because you honestly have no idea who will get the LEAST amount of votes (NOT VOTED OFF since you don’t vote negatively).

    Of course it makes more sense to let fans vote people off, but this is how FOX gets ratings. They use game theory to their advantage.

  • “…because everyone knows LaToya London is going to face off against Fantasia in the final!!!!”

    Of course we know this, because FOX tells the judges to overly praise LaToya and Fantasia to make sure they get enough votes to survive to the finals, much the same way they never said an ill word about that hack Ruben Studdard simply because FOX wanted him to win because FOX execs thought Clay Aiken was gay and did not want to risk having a gay Idol winner.

  • Pappy – I wouldn’t call Ruben a “hack” at all. He’s a good singer and America is the one who chose him to win, not FOX, though I must admit that I don’t like the type of songs he sings.

    And I seriously doubt “FOX” would even care if Clay was gay or not when they are profiting from running a reality show (Playing It Straight) about a woman trying to systematically pick a straight guy from a group of gay and straight guys. FOX will seemingly exploit anybody — gay, straight, short, rich, poor, fat, skinny, pretty, ugly (The Swan) or otherwise.

    It does seem though sometimes that the judges do go easy on people that they should be harsher on and they treat others harshly that they should go easier on, but I’m sure the judges have favorites certain contestants just like the rest of us do. If humans are involved it’s never going to be a perfect system.

  • Pappy –

    Believe me – my entire website is dedicated to this show. If there is anyone who understands the mechanics of voting, I would be on that list.

    I have addressed this issue with my readers time and time again, but nobody seems to listen.

    Most people vote for their favorites and then they vote a couple of times for a reject or two in order to get their favorite contestant’s biggest threat booted.

    Although the show reserves the right to pick and choose whomever they want, I do not think they are doing that, and here is why…

    The disclaimer appears for only a millisecond during the closing credits of the show. However, it has little merit if any.

    Viewers are induced to call the show as the announcer, host and judges inform the viewers each and every episode (multiple times, I might add) that their votes are what determines the outcome.

    I would imagine that the disclaimer only appears for situations like Corey Clark (AI2) where a contestant engages in disqualifying behavior.

    If the show is in fact picking and choosing contestants despite the votes(as you and every other conspiracy theorist suggests), then their lawyers have no brains in their heads.

    Each and every episode entails an inducement for Americans to pick and choose their winners. They are asked to call in their votes BEFORE the discalimer appears. Therefore, the disclaimer is not valid. Moreover, not every person has an adequate notice of this disclaimer because we are not forced to watch the credits as they roll across our television sets.

    If the show is in fact acting as you have suggested, then it will only be a matter of time before the truth comes out and Fox is involved in a lawsuit for deceit, unfair competition, misrepresentation and fraud, etc.

    Now – as for my reviews – for future reference, they are not to be taken seriously. There are times that I too will throw conspiracy theories into the mix. However, that doesn’t mean I really believe any of them.

  • I am not suggesting that FOX is altering the votes. I am saying that they tell the judges to overly praise candidates so that the voters keep on the people FOX wants to go to the finals.

    BUT I am much more interested in the fact that people don’t see that this is all about GAME THEORY. My beef is that people do not understand that NOBODY is voted off. Rather, the person with the least amount of votes is gone. There is a difference.

    Most of the public who watches the show, although they vote, don’t understand the distinction (And ramificaitons) of voting for you who want to stay on vs. voting someone off.

    I get MAD because cannot believe that Amy Adams is gone. BUT, if you consider that the system is based on most votes for you want to stay on, it makes perfect sense:

    The favorites have a huge fan base who votes, so they have no worries.

    Camille and John Stevens did horrible on Tuesday. When singers do bad, this inspires their fan base to vote like crazy to “save them.”

    The people flying under the radar (doing good, but not awesome) don’t get votes. People don’t vote for them, because, well, they think they are safe. They are not in need of votes. This is what happened in Amy and Latoya’s case. People did not vote in hoards for either of these people because they felt they didn’t need to, or went out to save Camille/John Stevens.

    Thus Amy Adams is gone.

    Now IF you got to vote people off, all the voting fans of everyone but Camille and Jon would be voting Camille and Jon off, thus insuring either Camille or Jon would be off.

    It is THIS difference that no one sees and I get so furious when people say that the show voting itself is rigged, when the only thing shady about the voting is that you vote you want to stay on, and not off.

    How many times do I have to stress this point for any AI fans/media to get it?????? Amy Adams is off because you vote to keep people on. If you voted to get people off, it would have surely been Camille or John Stevens. End of story.