American Idol Torches A Spark
Chapter 6: Poltergeist
By: The Raging Critic
Last night was a crazy night I tell ya! Before I laid me down to sleep, my television turned on all by itself. I sat up and shrieked with sheer horror. And all of a sudden, I could hear a little girl screaming. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I leaped to my feet and instantly ran to the tube. I pressed my hands firmly upon the screen to ask who was there.
I started to yell out “Carol Anne, run from the light – RUN FROM THE LIGHT!” Within an instant, Carol Anne reached out and grabbed me and sucked me into the tube!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! There’s John Peter Poltergeist! I was terrified! I have been captured by him and that creepy Carol Anne girl! No, wait a minute – – – – –
COULD IT BE????
Yes folks, I was sucked right inside the American Idol television show tonight. YIPPPEEEEEEEEEEE!
Seatriscuit floats across the room like Casper the Friendly Ghost. He is dodging all of the signs carried by scores of loony tune fans! He tells us that the show of the popularity is soaring. Well, now that America has gotten to know these kids, all of the maniacs have brought their signs and they are ready to toss their least favorite into the bonfire.
He introduces the top ten and they are looking as valiant as ever. George Huff was smiling ear to ear tonight. He was relieved to hear that the woman he almost drowned in the audience last night fully recovered. LaToya is looking like a GENIE in a bottle as she pirouetted around the stage. And suddenly we are in our first big group number!!!!!
The gang strutted out and was chirping out a little Motown tune written by Ashford of Nairobi and his trusty sidekick, Simpson – – – “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough!”
And away they went. They danced all over the stage like a bunch of Old Navy commercial rejects. The only thing missing was Morgan Fairchild and some creepy looking twins with glowing teeth. BLING! J-Hud has gotten herself a Marlo Thomas, “That Black Girl” hairdo. FIERCE! Opie was snapping his little red self all over the place. Camile decided to pull off the Hawaiian version of Bjork with that hair she was wearing. Just call her C&H PURE CANE SUGARCUBES!
Even though the singing was pretty decent, it got gayer and gayer and gayer as the song waged on like a longstanding war. HOLY SHOW CHOIR IDOL!!!!!!!!!! They were waving and clapping and “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOhhhhh-ing” until I started to turn green. I looked just like Linda Blair and then I realized, that I was under John Peter’s hypnotic spell!!!! EEEEEEEK! But I held back the bile and it only got worse. They started doing a pom pon squad routine like they were doing a halftime show. Then, they got into a line and flung their hands into the air for the big finish.
Who is putting these goofy group numbers together? Sparky Polastri????? The only thing missing were the spirit fingers. HYSTERICAL!
Pom pon squads?
Clapping and snapping?
Fake happy faces plastered all over the stage?
Big hand-raising finish?
Folks -do you remember when Simon told Diana that she gave a high school production??? Well, for those of you who did not get it, that group number had all of the qualities of a high school production – except for those corny glittery outfits!
Seatriscuit then leaps out from the pom pod squad and he is ready to give us the rundown. It’s time to toss one of these kiddies into the bonfire and give little Carol Ann a playmate behind that snowy television screen (By the way, tonight’s chapter is on Poltergeist, so if you are lost, then you need to get with the program and go rent Poltergeist – RIGHT NOW).
Fantasia – You’ve got some funky cool eye shadow on tonight and you look like you are ready for the remake video for “Love Is A Battlefield.” Girl – You are SAFE! WOOOOHOOO! Fantasia jumped up and started dancing around and pumped her fist all over the place. FANTASIA????? Helloooooo? Be polite! We are booting Camile off tonight remember????????
John Peter Poltergeist – I ran at the sight of John Peter tonight. I was sucked into his Poltergeist-like world tonight, so I am in his territory and I fear him. He was safe and that’s all I can tell you. NOW SOMEBODY HELP ME FIND THE LIGHT SO I CAN GET THE HECK OUTTA HERE!!!!
Jazz Tree – Jasmine decided to come to the show tonight dresses as a blooming pineapple. She looks nervous after realizing her 2PID-ity last night after singing a Kelly Clarkson song. Lucky for Jasmine, pineapples are in season right now, so she can hang around a little while longer. But girlfriend – take some friendly advice – do not sing anything by Kelly or Clay.
George – George’s face zoomed into a super large display. He is twitching and twisting like an 8 year-old with ADHD. GET THIS BOY SOME RITALIN STAT! Seatriscuit then calms his nerves and gives him the nod of safety. WHEW! Whatever, we all knew he was going to be safe. J-Hud, Camile, and Opie are in the bottom three remember??????
Amy – The camera darts over to Amy and she is shaking like a mad woman. She has ditched the loving peppy side of herself for only a brief moment. Ryan then tells Amy that she is off to the bottom three. WHAAAAAAAAAAT? OH NO! Nevertheless, Amy maintains her chipper composure and graciously walks over to center stage.
J-Hud – You got yourself some snazzy hair tonight. Although I do not think you deserve to be in the bottom three yet, I can’t help but think your number is up tonight. Sure enough, Ryan delivered the fateful blow and Jennifer traipsed over to the bonfire with Jay Leno’s long lost sister.
Diana – Next up was Diana. She looked petrified!!!! With the amount of tremors in her facial muscles, Diana is showing signs of a mental meltdown. THANK GOODNESS HER GOOD FRIEND JULIA DEMATO IS IN THE HOUSE!!! Can we say, “group therapy?” Diana, darling, you are safe! Can someone please get this girl a shrink before the end of the week? Otherwise, she will not be able to make it much longer.
Camile – Bjorkaloha is crying. She is apparently having teary eyes along with her sinus infection and other messy ENT problems. Either that or she is baked outta her gourd! Seatriscuit then tells her she is safe. UGH! I knew that Carmen (oops, I mean, Camile) would still be here since she was not one of the last two in the lineup.
Oh well, Opie is gonna fry, right??????
LaToya and Opie– Opie is sweating bullets now because everyone knows LaToya London is going to face off against Fantasia in the final!!!! LaToya – you may look like a Genie in a Bottle tonight, but you must have rubbed America the wrong way, you are in the bottom three!!!!!
Luckily for those of us at home, Ryan sent LaToya back to safety. I was shaking with anger and was prepared to wage a war against all of Opie’s voters and all of Camile’s fans. Is anybody paying attention this season?????
Amy and J-Hud stood there numb and confused. April Fools day is tomorrow so there is no chance of a sick and twisted joke! As those of us at home were teetering and tottering between denial and acceptance, Ryan delivered the last strike of the match and set the bonfire ablaze.
Amy Adams – you are finished!
Booooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Are you kidding me????????
Everybody knows that the three worst singers are John Peter, Opie, and Camile. The fact that none of these three made it to the bottom three is proof that somebody has taken this show by hostage. My bet is on John Peter and his demonic fans. Somebody, prepare for the inquisition before its too late.
America can rest itself assured that a country music megastar has been born. Amy Adams is going to be a star. You mark my words! However, American Idol just lost a great big ray of light as the show grew to a dimming close. Amy Adams was a spark in the AI3 ensemble. Her early departure is certainly a saddening surprise.
Darkness started to settle and I suddenly could not see any light! Someone please, tell me where the light went?????????????
I then heard the voice of a fat little midgety-dwarf woman playing a church organ. She sounded like a member of the Lollypop Guild. She was screaming to me, “RAGE, RAGE, come into the light, come into the light.” SO, I ran to the light and then instantly fell out of my television set and onto the floor.
“Whew,” was that a crazy night or what? I knew then that the only thing that would make America wake up and start voting for talent would be to seek assistance from a little help from my drag queen friend, Miss Divine Intervention. She is my boveda (my spiritual shrine).
I then flicked off my television set and walked over to my boveda. I asked my spirits to tell me what I needed to do in order to cleanse America from this demonic possession. They whispered to me and gave me the magic answer. So, I lit my candle and dedicated it to the spirit of Miss Amy Adams. I then walked over to my computer, clapped my hands two times, and slowly walked away.
THIS HOUSE IS CLEAN!
(I surely hope so………)
CU Next Tuesday!
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