Fantasia Gives Us Something To Talk About
Sweet Sixteen joins Fantasia in the Top 12
By: The Raging Critic
The tension has been knotting up in my stomach all day long. Only two of these 7.5 fantastic performers will be moving on to the top 12. I have scoured the web today looking for an indication as to which idols will move on. After reading various web logs it seems apparent that we are in for a surprise twist folks! That’s right! Scooter Girl is going to mow the entire competition over and demand a fresh start. She will have the little midget strapped on to the back and we can send ‘em both to the finals! SURPRI-IIIIIIIIIIIISE!
So, the show gets underway and I am ready for the big news to be revealed! Seacrest leaps onto the new Faux Oprah Winfrey Show stage. A handful of fans are in the crowd. Did anyone give these people instructions for their attendance????? I mean helllooooooooo – where the heck are all of the bloody signs????
Seacrest introduces our judicial trio. Snap, Krackle, and Pop have brought us some rice crispy treats fresh from William Hung’s (the Asian Ricky Martin) very own bakery! Oh wait – “BANGS” is his awkward sound of choice. Never mind that then!
Simon and Paula are all Grammy-fied. Randy swears “he is keeping it real!” Really Randy? Like stapling your innards in order to lose 500 pounds is now considered “real.” Wow! Times they are a changin’ folks! Well, everybody (minus Randy), it is time to tip back the fridge and indulge on the big bad results show. The answer we have all been waiting for is coming right up…….
Seacrest gives the grand intro to group one. They are all huddled together on the bleachers like cheerleaders at a game of TETHER BALL! Marque looks like he is ready to lead us all in a floor cheer. Ashley looks like she had a really bad game of patty-cake. Fantasia looks like she needs to rearrange the family jewels. Ersky looks like he is ready to throw in his sweaty towel and join the East Compton Clovers squad. Looking toward the bottom row, Diana looks like she finally hit puberty – just last night! Katie’s boobies are bouncing all over the place. Like Janet Jackson is the only nasty girl in town – YEAH RIGHT! Matthew smiles as if he is in a commercial for Gleam. And last, but not least, Jennifer Hudson has wiped away her tears and is poised to send the other kiddies up the river.
While the family and friends are in the Coke red room with Whitney Houston and Robert Downey Junior, Marque tells us that his mom was crying last night. Has the air in Hollywood gone dry or what folks???? This is a show NOT A SERMON! Seacrest asks Katie how she handled taking the heat for the song selection last night. Apparently, Seacrest still has a little glitter in his eyes. How else could he miss the two utters prodding out of her dress????? THAT’S HOW SHE DEALT WITH THE HEAT RYAN – SHE DITCHED THE BRA FOR A LITTLE COOL DOWN! Fantasia looked a little jealous because she too wanted to let it all hang out on this momentous evening. Apparently though, we are on a 10 minute delay now folks! Seacrest tells us that Fantasia wants to marry Simon. Well Fantasia, girl – you better run to Massachusetts as quick as you can before the commies make your solemn vows illegal.
Snap, Krackle, and Pop now tell us their choices. They all have agreed that Diana and Fantasia will get the nod. Simon actually thinks Fantasia is going to win it all. Well, no offense, but if that is the case, then I want my money back. I did not subscribe to cable for that lackluster climax. The WB is bad enough. I like Fantasia, but American Idol???? I am just not sold – YET. There are 24 more people to see at the very least. So Seacrest turns to the bleachers and reveals the three top vote getters………….
MARQUE – You looked like chocolate thunder but the wind carrying your storm was not strong enough last night. You are going back home my friend. We see Marque get all teary-eyed, walk back to the Coke red room and drop kicked his poor ole’ mother! YOWZAH!
ASHLEY – Your lasso was golden but your voice was pee green. Give my regards to Carmen Rasmussen when you head back to the hills. Ashley took it like a champ and quickly passed her number to Matthew. You go girlina!
FANTASIA – You would have earned yourself a bye all the way to the final five if you would have sang the old classic “My Ding-a-ling.” But hey, you were good enough to make the top three. You are safe for now. Fantasia looked over at Simon and said, “enough with the nursey over there, how do you like my dress?” Fantasia my girl, you got it goin’ on tonight!
ERSKINE – You took us on a journey last night, but you sold us out to the blue light special geeks. Hurry and run over to the blinking light before Trenyce sneaks in and steals something!
DIANA – You have the music in you and R. Kelly has his phone hooked up to a sweet power dialing computer. You – my young pretty – are in the top three. Diana got so excited that her mommy and daddy changed her diaper onstage! Awwwww. How cute!
KATIE – You have two people after you so you have nowhere else to go but home. Sorry Katie, but we have to dramatize the show and put the last two sitting on the bleachers through utter hell! She leaned over real quick and then – - – WOOOPS! Little did the folks at home know, but this is the real scene where Paris Hilton milked that cow! Darn that 10 minute delay!
Seacrest then takes us to a commercial break where we are suddenly reminded to always pack a bottle of chocolate milk in case we crash our bicycles. HUUUUUUUUUH?
MICHAEL and JENNIFER – Jennifer, your naughty nurse gig trumped your emotional pleas for votes. Therefore, Michael gets to move on to the top three with the judges favorites.
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Are you people for real. I thought Scooter Girl and the midget were gonna make their big comeback??? Honestly people, I could have seen anyone but Matthew move on to the next round! How did he make the top three?????? I instruct all of you responsible parents to ground your daughters (and sons too – if they play with Barbies) from the phone on Tuesday nights. This sort of travesty cannot continue!!!!!!!!
But, pretty boy? No way! Not this year anyway! After all, he was the 0.5 in this mix. The other 7 were worlds better. So, we are then left with the top three. Who will be captain of the squad???????
Without a moment’s notice, Seacrest yells out that Fantasia has received 23 percent of the votes and she is moving on!!!!!!!!! She leans over and screams at the losers on the bleachers and says, “Life sure is a drag!” He he he! Fantasia then does a toe touch and slams to the floor in classic varsity fashion. And suddenly, Kelly Clarkson appeared for one millisecond. She looked at Fantasia and screamed, “I’m Still – BIG – RED!”
Fantasia slaps Kelly’s face off and revives a little Hubba Bubba numbah! She did her Bonnie Raitt tune again and I reach for the earplugs. I still cannot figure out what it is I like about her. Maybe I have turned into a masochist?????? Enquiring minds (namely all 37 contained within my own twisted head) want to know!!!!
Finally, we come back from a commercial and Seacrest delivers the moment of truth. Is R. Kelly going to have a new video collection to add to his home library or are the 1 million teenage girls going to glue themselves to the television this year?
And the luckiest person in the world for right now is………..
Diana DeGarmo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woooohoooooo! She jumped onto Michael and the poor guy blew a gasket. I think Fantasia’s dress started to rise and she quickly hid herself behind her co-captain.
So there you have it folks. Fantasia and Diana DeGarmo have made their debut in America. As the show came to a close, the contestants started dancing like Milli Vanilli as Diana gave another rendition of her song. Unfortunately, she missed the last few notes – IN A MAJOR WAY! Luckily for Fantasia, the screeching in Diana’s voice knocked out the audience and she snuck away. She scurried off to the Coke red room and handed Marque’s mom an ice pack. She then turned left and made a mad dash to the bathroom. She ran to the urinal and lifted up her dress and then that river started to flow. But tonight it was not the Hudson folks. Miss Fantasia needed to pee, and she did it standing up!
She looked up for the last camera shot of the evening and said, BOY – WHAT A RELIEF!
Now that’s givin’ us somethin’ to talk about!
CU NEXT TUESDAY!
The Raging Critic has spoken!