Cry Me A Hudson River
Group One of AI3 Semifinals Is Loaded With Talent
By: The Raging Critic
Ahoy me maties! I have returned from my week afloat in the Caribbean and I am ready to party! Season three is starting to get hot and I must say, so far it is even hotter than Haiti. The only chilling effect we have seen was the snubbing of the captivating Sara Logan and that TARDALICIOUS thing on the scooter!!!!!! Sorry folks. I know she was a fan favorite, and it is not as if I did not like Scooter Girl. But she made my skin crawl and everytime she opened her mouth with that goofy grin, I felt as if I had encountered another bout of scabies! EEEEEEEEEK! Luckily, the judges found her skate key and locked her blasted mouth shut. Such a pity I tell ya – I suspect she wanted enough money to buy a Vespa! Damn the luck!
It is crunch time people! Now that your fingers are doing the walking, I am doing the chalking (albeit via keyboard). So I took a deep breath and flicked on the tube, only to be disappointed to see that the silver holographic Idol statuette is not 400 pounds like our velvet teddy bear. THAT’S DISCRIMINATION I TELL YA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just knew that Clay Aiken really won that thing last season.
Oh well, it is a new season – WOOOHOOOOOOOO! We have a new cast of characters and a brand new format!!!!! Instead of locking these young chaps in a studio for the semifinal rounds and shoving a piano up their butts, the show has decided to bring a small studio audience in for an intimate look at our idol hopefuls. What joy it is to see that the producers got a clue! Can I get an A-I-Men??
So without further ado, I present you with the round one contestants listed from worst to first…………
8. MATTHEW METZGER – “Walkin’ In Memphis”
Matt my man – – – you just need to keep walkin’ past Memphis cuz you ain’t moving past opening day. He only made it to the round of 48 last year and is bitter (party of one) about it. It’s a shame that his voice was still bitter too. I mean, he had a great voice and all, but remember, the bar has been raised this season – as if we have not heard it 1 zillion freakin’ times already!
Matthew looks like Bo Duke from Hazzard County. He is a dentist’s wet dream come true. He has beautiful teeth and a gorgeous face to back it up. It is a damn shame that this boy did not wear his leather pants tonight. Otherwise, I might be as guilty as those horny teenaged girlies who are power dialing him all night tonight. His song was good. In fact, had he sang this last year, he would have made it to the top 12. But the competition is tougher this season and poor Matthew sounded quite bland!
Randy said you were good looking. Paula drooled all over herself as she seconded that motion. Simon also said you looked good. Well, Matthew, I think you look good too. Unfortunately, this is not America’s Top Model, so I will wait to see ya in Playgirl! Quick – someone call PETA and request another naked idol campaign!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. ERSKINE WALCOTT – “Open Arms”
So now I come to you with open arms Erskine, and I see that you ain’t the same dawg we saw in the early rounds. Nooooooooooo Sir! Ersky got himself all cleaned up for his big night. And he even kept the towel and shoved it in his pants for good luck!!!!!!! This guy is our ghetto-fabulous entrant for season three. Hey – we gotta keep the show diverse riiiiiiight?????
Apparently, Erskine kept crying during the rehearsals. Uh oh – how is this thug boy going to make it with makeup on? I sat on my bed with my hands clasped together hoping to see him crack! DRATS! HE DID MANAGE TO KEEP ‘EM DRY! I was expecting Ersky to leap onstage doing his best Bone Thugs and Harmony cover, but all I got was a Journey song. BLECH!
Randy said you “was still representin.” Paula said you infused yourself. COULD SOMEONE PLEASE ELABORATE HERE????????? Simon came to my rescue and clarified things. Erskine – you was just plain BLAND! Randy could not have been more wrong here. If anyone sold out tonight it was Ersky. No matter how good he sounded, he drops in the ranks due to that sad fact – PERIOD!
6. ASHLEY THOMAS – “Crazy”
Ash comes onstage and swears she is going to shimmer and sparkle tonight! She promises us that she is F-U-N and ready to boogie down! Someone please tell me who wrote this girl’s lines???? I mean, she can sing and all, but her cameo appearance in “From Ruben to Clay” shall never happen. She sounded like she was prepping her lines for the big scene with Ron Jeremy! PUCKER UP ASHLEY – It’s a bumpy ride! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!
Well, this girl certainly puckered up alright! She even managed to put the Utah sheep population on Orange Alert. That’s right folks. Carmen Rasmussen has been replaced! Fortunately for Ashley, she is worlds better than that barnyard pixie. She was very crisp and clean in her delivery. Although Patsy Cline may not have risen from the dead, I would almost bet that she kicked the lid on her coffin tonight! Nice job Ashley.
Randy said you was aiiiiight. Paula warned you about the competition. Simon said you were a rodeo queen. I say you lasso that nimrod and tell him to pass Cow Patty her sash and crown. You were on top of it tonight! And hey, white trash America now has a contender too! It’s a win-win situation folks!
5. MARQUE LYNCHE – “Wind Beneath My Wings”
Marquee Mark is a classical trained dancer. He is oooooh so talented and ooooooh so refreshing. He had to go to classes to “unBroadway” himself for this show. UGH! Just what we need – another one in the mix! It only got worse from here people. The camera caught a glimpse of his dragon tattoo. Amazingly, I did not see any “mother” tattoos on his body. THE BOY THANKED HIS MOMMY UMPTEEN TIMES TONIGHT! Marque darling, if your mom had this many plugs 20 years ago, you would not be here tonight!
Thankfully she didn’t and Marque did his mammy proud. He is CUH-UTE as can be. However, nobody informed this guy that his song sucked a fat one. I mean, HELLLOOOOOOOO – last year’s winner is FLYING WITHOUT WINGS and you are wanting to revive the wind my friend????? AS IF!!!!!!!!
Randy looked as if he just broke wind. Either that or his intestines are starting to suck his eyes into his throat. TALK ABOUT A SURGERY GONE AWRY!!!!!!!! Paula said you sounded “better” and Simon said you sold out. Since Marque was tributing everything to mother tonight, I was waiting for him to call that Brit a “Mother BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.” If only I could be so lucky!
4. KATIE WEBBER – “Orange Colored Sky”
Katie is this season’s sweetheart. She is cute, clean and full of giddiness. She comes onstage wearing the remnants of some lost zebra who was slaughtered in Nigeria. I suspect the PETA peeps are gonna be boycotting the show now! ARGH!
She ditched the pop tunes to show off her versatility – (I knew we had something in common). WHAM BAM ALACAZAM – WE HAVE A CONTENDER HERE FOLKS! She sang about orange colored, purple striped, green polka dotted skies. And believe it or not, I actually liked the song without the LSD tabs for hors d’oeuvres. I say kudos to Katie for daring to be different!
Randy said you were like Elvis. Just throw in the blue suede shoes and we would be one Telletubby short of a full color wheel! Paula said you had great stage presence. Simon asked you to join him under the table with the girl from “Lost In Translation.” Here’s something to translate Simon – PISS OFF YOU BLOODY FOOL! SHE WAS SUPERB! But, as we mentioned before, the bar has been raised and the other three might be better at this game of limbo!
3. FANTASIA BARRINO – “Something To Talk About”
GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL! Some black drag queen has put on her best Sandra Bernhard costume and sneaked into this competition. When she cam onstage I was waiting for her boob tape to spring out and slap Randy across the face. UH-UH Folks. This girl is too polished and FANTASIA is here to give you a little song tonight! And if we are lucky, she will keep her huge piping lips out of the way so she can give us something to talk about – HEY – SHEEEEEEEEEEEE SAID IT FIRST!
Miss Fantasia gave us her best Miss Continental pageant number. Do your thing on the runway Girl! To the common ear her performance was one of two things. It was either (1) incredible and profound, or (2) ear piercing bad. Somehow, I can see both interpretations and so I am somewhere in between. I see her potential. However, she needs to calm down that screetchy pitch a bit. But despite it all, I gotta give her credit for opting for the quadruple lutz on her first big night – and overall, she was better than the rest (perhaps, except for Katie). And hey, anyone with a name like a drag queen deserves an extra point – no matter what anyone else says!
Randy said you were an old pro – – but he did not say what you were a pro at??????? Paula said that we MUST have Fantasia this year!!! Cripes Paula, she is not a seasonal fruit – or is she? Simon said you are a star without this competition. I say – FANTASIA MEET REALITIA – there are two girls better than you! See ya on Wildcard night!
2. DIANA DEGARMO – “I Got The Music In Me”
Annette Funicello has been reincarnated and landed inside a little 16 year old white girl who sounds like a 30 year old black girl. Diana still maintains her own persona though – SHE IS GONNA WEAR PINK AND BLACK NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE TELLS HER! That’s okay Diana, being a fashion disaster is the best way to keep yourself on the show. After all, it worked wonders for Nikki McKibbon.
The mousketeer has the music in her alright! She belted this out without a single flaw – minus the last few notes. But hey, she is 16 years old after all. Someone please keep R. Kelly away from her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aside from her cute look and slightly enlarged head, this girl can wail. I have no doubt she will make it to the top 12 after tonight’s showing.
Randy said you bang! R. Kelly instantly got a woody. Paula said you were unbelievable. Simon said you remind him of when Christina Aguilera was nice! OUCH – SLAMMER ON HAGUILERA! HELLOOOO? Am I the only one that likes Christina now that she is an official trollop?????? I say guess what Diana – WE WILL SEE YA REAL SOON! WHY? BECAUSE WE LIKE YOU…………………….. M-O-U-S-E
1. JENNIFER HUDSON – “Imagine”
Our Silver-Jive-Turkey-Wrap has arrived straight outta the South Side of Chi-town. Fortunately, she ditched the sliver jump suit and graced the stage with a white leathery outfit. Simon said it reminded him of some naughty nurse fantasy. Well, nursey – I say go on out there and circumcise his wits!
Jennifer did just that! She did the unimaginable. She opened her mouth with a black-as-tar soulful voice and sang a white-bread folky John Lennon song. She started off sort of quiet which scared me at first. But, she opened up those pipes and I truly felt the harmonious life that the song yearns to express. After she was finished, this South Side sporty wept tears of joy as her dream to sing before America had finally come true. AWWWWWWWWWW! How could we not like her now!
Randy said it was not her best performance. Paula said she was shy. Simon said she was great tonight. I say the judges are completely deaf. Either that is the case, or Yoko Ono is camping out in their front lawns protesting the song with the Hare Krishnas.
Jennifer – while they are all jingling around in la la land I want you to listen to me. Imagine yourself in the top 12 – and the world will live as one! And honey – you ain’t gonna be dreamin’ either!
I must say that I had mixed emotions about the new semifinal format. I actually enjoyed the tension of the contestants being locked away in a quiet room with only a piano to save them from a nervous breakdown. It was a great way to hear their true voices without all of the racket from the stage shows. Then again, I do enjoy the fact that we are seeing these kids sing in the usual format. This way, we are sure to get a top 12 that can handle this tempo. I think the producers finally got something right.
Overall the competition was pretty stiff. I can honestly say that they were ALL GOOD! None of them deserve dire ridicule. Heck, even pretty boy Matthew was good too. I am just glad he did not bring the General Lee onstage as a prop. I have a hunch though that he could shock us. With enough teenage girls into this gig, he may pull off the votes needed to advance.
Katie Webber was totally superb. Unfortunately, I do not know if the song choice will help her any. Diana and Fantasia seem to also be early favorites, so this is anybody’s ballgame.
It will honestly come as no surprise if any of these people move on. However, if Jennifer Hudson does not make it, then I will be shocked. I honestly think she is the best vocalist of the entire group tonight. I also think the crybaby routine will work wonders for sympathy voters. That said, the girl would have gotten my vote without the tears. But a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do to win this thing.
Miss Hudson, cry me a river! And I won’t be mad atchya either! You are far better than I imagined.
CU TOMORROW NIGHT!
The Raging Critic has spoken!