American Idol Meets Bathhouse Barry
Chapter 11: Transsexxual Swan
By: The Raging Critic
Hi everyone, I’m baaaaaaack. I am so sorry for abandoning you all last week. However, I am going to be on a new reality television show and I was away from my computer! I was too busy being strapped down on the operating table. YIPEEEEEEEE! You see, I am going to be competing on “The Transsexual Swan” this season. The doctors gave me a gender reassignment and sucked a ton of fat out from my body. I am competing for the pageant next week and I am just hoping to beat that other tranny for the prize. I think my new name is going to be “Fantasia” when I compete on the show. Oh drats, that name is already taken isn’t it?
Nevertheless, I am your critic and I am back to rage on. Yes, I had a quick recovery, but man is my hoo-hoo sore.
I am tuning in once again to bring you the unfiltered, peculiar, bizarre, most ridiculous review of the American Idol show that you will ever find on the Internet. The Raging Critic is back (minus a few parts). And he will also tell you how it “tee-eye-is” too…
And wallah! Our hero, Ryan Seatriscuit, shimmers onto the screen (as if we are not used to this whole drill by now). He tells us that seven singers are at our mercy.
HIP HIP HOOOORAY!
Ryan introduced the peanut gallery. Simon has apparently decided to join the “Transsexual Swan” crew too because Ryan called him “Lola Falona.” Randy was deemed the stereotypical bass strummer while Paula smiled the night away. What’s more, our guest judge and themesake has escaped from the bathhouses and landed right smack dab in the middle of American Idol Arena. Ladies and gentlemen may I present – THE ONE, THE ONLY – BARRY MANILOW!
Barry has a long list of credentials. He is a writer, composer, entertainer, musician, poet, singer, and last but not least – he is THE MOST BORING staple of the 1970′s. He edges out the famed mime team, Shields and Yarnell, by a country mile.
When Barry was still a musical tater tot, he started singing in bathhouses. He would do a few songs in the glory holes at 10:00 p.m. with follow-up encore performances in the steam room at 11:00. But I would imagine that the leather sling room at midnight was the showstopper! EEEEEEEEK!
But quicker than any half-naked gay man could have ever snapped him with a towel – Mr. Manilow sprang out from the gay ghettos and straight into superstardom. To be quite honest, that’s fine with me. Let the straight folks keep Barry Manilow, but the gay folks get to keep Madonna!
The gay team wins! So let’s go STR8 to tonight’s rankings. Here they are folks, your idols from Totally TRANSparent to Total TRANSformation!
7. Jon Stevens – “Mandy”
The light goes from dark to dim and Jon Stevens is on our stage. He is sitting on a stool wearing a dark mod-ish suit. Holy CLAY AIKEN SOLITAIRE RIPOFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Before he even opened his mouth I was wincing. And then OUCHIE-WAWA – he started to sing and the pain started to writhe within me.
Opie chose a song that droned away in the 1970′s. In fact, it bored America half-to-death. Not in a million years could I ever imagine that it could get any worse. That was – until the red-headed stepchild decided to flood my ears with it. THIS SONG WAS A DISASTER!!!!!!!!! If my name was Mandy I would hate this show forever! Therefore, it is my own belief that Fox should can him!
Randy said it was aiight. WHAAAAAAAT? Are you kidding me? This kid was a mess! Mr. Manilow said you were worse than that guy who used to sing in shower stall #7 at the Castro Street Country Club. Simon said he thinks Mandy fell asleep. I SAY TAKE IT FROM THIS NARCOLEPTIC CRITIC – Mandy died!!!!!!!! Opie – although you had me rooting for you at times – I think it’s time you stopped whistling and give Mayberry Idol a rest.
6. Diana DeGarmo – “One Voice”
Sorry folks, but I warned everybody weeks ago when Jasmine sang a Kelly Clarkson song. For those of you who missed it last season, Kelly Clarkson made a guest appearance and sang this song during the same night that Ruben beat Clay. Anytime you sing a Kelly song, you are competing against the woman who practically created American Idol. Poor Diana. And just as I predicted, the song was an utter disaster.
She started wailing around like a lost little girl in a nursery school rhyme gone awry. And then, her range was so out of control that it sounded as if more than ONE VOICE was coming from her mouth. I simply could not figure out what I was listening to. She then held another looooooooooooooooooooooooong note. It was so long that it reached my gag reflex, thus causing me to vomit. PEOPLE – THAT’S HOW BAD THIS PERFORMANCE REALLY WAS TONIGHT! PUKEY!
Randy said it was shaky. Barry gave it some drab compliment. Paula loves your big mouth. And Simon congratulated you. I am a fan of yours, but I say if it weren’t for Opie tonight, this would have been the single worst performance out of all of the contestants this season – eeeek, even worse than that ghastly “You Keep Me Hanging On” number that got Leah LaBelle booted.
5. George Huff – “Get That Feeling Again”
George has been improving each week. He has impressed me every time he gets on stage. And then Barry Manilow dropped by just in time to sabotage him as the competition has started to shape up – - – - poor guy. During the intro, George told us that Barry Manilow structured his song around George’s style. I suppose it’s a bathhouse thing – - – you wouldn’t understand.
Meanwhile, George started out of the gate sounding awfully hoarsey. It was almost as if he was experiencing laryngitis. His change-ups were jolting (and not in a good way). I was stupefied because I was starting to really like this guy. But tonight was just not his night. But then again, can anyone make Barry Manilow exciting?????
Randy did not like your rendition. Barry dissed you after coaching you along all week- THAT BITCH! What a total backstabber! And then, as if it were deja vu, Paula looked Georgie in the eyes and said, “great job.” Simon said you made a mess of the song. I think if George is wants to maintain his momentum, he needs to make a big recovery next week.
4. Jasmine Trias – “Never Love This Way Again”
Jasmine has gotten chic and she decided to ditch the flower. Now that Camile has been gone for awhile, she does not need to maintain that Hula Hula Girl gimmick any longer. Jasmine gets onstage and delivers a commendable performance. It was not the greatest performance in the world, but it was certainly worthy of competition tonight.
I am puzzled as to her future though. The Superfly Sistah Squad (a.k.a. J-Hud, Fantasia, and LaToya) are a notch or two ahead of her. I have a feeling that she is going to be toast tonight. It is just a funny feeling I have. But then again, I am the one who is vying for the title of Transsexual Swan 2004.
Randy said it was a very good job. Barry complimented your competitive spirit. Paula said, “grrreeeeat job.” Simon said he was amazed that Barry Manilow could make girls sing as well as he did. DUH SIMON – isn’t Barry Manilow essence of every gay men’s choir?????
3. Fantasia Barrino – “It’s A Miracle”
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Fantasia Barrino show. She is bringing the gospel into our Barry Monitone evening and she is gonna shake some spirit back into this gig tonight. Unfortunately, her entire family seems to be competing for votes too. I love me some Fantasia Barrino – but for crying out loud – why does the camera pan to her mother in the red room and why does she get the baby scene? If the producers are not subliminally trying to encourage people to vote for her, then someone oughta be fired. Such subtleties can boost a performers star power and create an unfair advantage! BOOOOOOOO to the producers!
But yeah for Fantasia! Despite the technical error, Miss Fantasia managed to take the entire world to church. That’s right America – - – tonight you had your first church sermon at “The Church of What’s Happenin’ Now.” Fantasia delivered a great performance. It was so good that her mom even went ballistic on the other parents in the red room. Just as the camera panned to Mama Barrino, she started slapping the daylights out of someone. The moment was truly classic. You really are a Superfly Soul Sistah!
Randy felt-your-spirit-yes-he-do-felt-your-spirit-how-bout-you. Paula said, “grrrrrrrrrreat.” Simon said you bring excitement and danger. Barry said you should open your own church! Ummm, Barry, I think she just did! And I want another sermon.
2. LaToya London – “All The Time”
It is no secret that I personally want LaToya London to win. Her voice is amazing. She is stunningly beautiful. She makes me smile each time she sings. But as strange as can be, someone always seems to outdo her each night. Oh well. Overall, I think she is the best singer in this gig. But whether she wins or not is a whole different issue.
Miss London starts her number and there is a subtle hindrance with her volume control. She turned up the decibels and pulled off a highly esteemed little number. I do not think it was the best LaToya London we have seen this season. Nevertheless, it was still a work of excellence, minus the one little drop in pitch – - – - but shhhhh I won’t tell anyone.
Randy said it was great. Barry is proud to be your writer. Paula said it gave her chills and Simon said you were great. I say, I am proud to be your writer too. You are MY Superfly Soul Sistah! TRIPLE KISSES!
1. Jennifer Hudson – “Weekend In New England”
Ahhhhhh. Jennifer Hudson’s presence tonight was as refreshing as the crisp clean air in New England. She looked marvelous tonight. She sounded marvelous tonight. SO, in essence, JENNIFER HUDSON WAS SIMPLY MARVELOUS TONIGHT! There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
Jennifer delivered the second die-hard performance in recent weeks. She commanded the stage as if she already owned the American Idol moniker that hovered above her head. She sang the line, “When will our eyes meet” and that’s when it hit me. OH MA GAWD! She has tamed those googly eyes as they are no longer popping out of her head. WOW! THIS SUPERFLY SISTAH means BIZ-NESS!
Tonight, the producers of the show inadvertently blindsided me. They threw the cast from The Swan onto our television set and I had the scariest flashback of my entire life. I was so stunned by their presence on the show tonight that I completely forgot what the judges said about J-Hud tonight. However, I can tell you that the SWANS loved you. Did you see me sitting with them in the audience (tee hee hee).
I stand corrected – somebody can make a Barry Manilow song exciting, even outside the friendly confines of the Chelsea Saunas.
Jennifer Hudson – - – - YOU GO GIRL!
I really feel a devastating surprise looming tomorrow. First, I think the bottom three will be Jasmine, Diana, and Opie. But while all of the sane Americans are sitting at home and waiting for Opie to finally get dismissed, Seatriscuit will give Jasmine a shocking blow.
Call me crazy, but it might be an aftershock of freaky energy considering the fact that John Peter Poltergeist was booted only 5 days ago. So, I am afraid we might all be packing for another luau folks. But this time, I won’t be as excited.
One Final Message:
I get e-mails from time to time from readers who want to know what gender I am. They want to know what color I am. They want to know what religion I am. Some even think I am Simon Cowell himself. I also get e-mails from time to time from people who yell at me because they are John Peter fans (by the way – ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa – plllllt). Any way you slice it, the e-mails I receive are often times more entertaining than the show itself.
But I can honestly say that I never expected the warm reception I received during this week’s absence (while I was prepping for my new reality show). I received a few e-mails from people who were concerned that something was wrong. Well, I want to extend my gratitude to you for your concern. However, just know that I was a little under the weather – nothing more, nothing less. So thank you for the e-mails. I appreciate your continuing support and your boggling interest.
Now – back to the conclusion of this American Idol jumpathon.
Tonight I will conclude this review with a very brief explanation illustrating the type of people who are voting for Jon Stevens at this point in time. Now, I can assure you that I am inevitably going to receive a few e-mails from people who are curious to know whether I really did have a sex-change operation. Well folks – these are the same people who would vote for Jon Steven’s performance tonight – - COMPLETELY CLUELESS!
CU Tomorrow Nite!
I am The Raging Critic - and I approve this message!