American Idol Has A Springtime Ho-Down
Chapter 3: Get Me To Group Therapy, I Am Seeing Ookits
By: The Raging Critic
Alas! We have come to that fateful day! A day where I can come home from a hard day’s work – kick off my shoes – walk to the refrigerator – grab a brewski – walk over to the television set – flip on the handy dandy Fox Network – sit on the couch – unzip my pants – let all my fat hang out – burp out loud – and tune in to American Idol! It’s the annual ode’ to Hee Haw! Folks – It’s COUNTRY NIGHT![Sigh]
I started to think to myself…….I am not a fan of beer. I do not live in a trailer. I do not have a fat gut. I do not drive a pick-up truck. I do not have a friend who is missing any teeth. I do not like to hang out in taverns. I do not know how to drive a combine. I know nothing about herbicide (because I like herbs). And I certainly do not tolerate the smell of manure. Now, I am not saying that all people who like country music should share these similar qualities. However, if you do have any of the qualities I mentioned above – well – the chance that you like country music is reaching atomic probabilities. I have none of the above qualities, nor do I have an innate desire to listen to this kind of music. Therefore, I am not a fan of country music. Phuey!
What fun is this going to be for me! It almost makes me want to go out and buy a beer and get drunk because I am so sad. Now wait a minute…. I realized that I might like this country music thing after all [banjos and harmonicas start to play]. I reached over and grabbed my cowboy hat and buttless chaps! I walked to my front door and slammed the door open. I called out to my trusty sidekick, Bucky Berkowitz (ok, so I live in Miami and he is really my therapist), and asked him to saddle up the horses. Ladies and Gentlemen, we are going to the American Idol Ho-Down! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwww!
I shouted to Bucky and asked him to saddle up Seatriscuit (my beloved “out” Stallion). After riding through this horserace tonight, it is time to reveal who wins, who places and who shows………..
11. Camile Velasco – “Desperado” –The Eagles
Camile’s mom divulges the family’s deepest darkest secret to America. That’s right. Her daughter has an incurable affliction. Sakes alive – her adenoids are lodged all the way inside her sinus cavity!!!! Is it just me, or does this girl need a Kleenex or three? Anyway, her cute little sister Divina seemed pretty healthy so at least we all know it is not contagious. Unfortunately, though for Camile, her voice was contagious. And tonight, it was scarier than SARS. Pass me a Kleenex – ah-choo!
Camile is sitting on a stool and she looks more ravishing than ever before. She opens her mouth and starts to sing ……. “Domo Arrigato Mister Desperado!” EEEEEEEEK! What on Earth was this performance???? For crying out loud, please blow your nose Camile. Your performances are getting a little stuffy. And honey, that vibrato has gotta go before all the snot vibrates out onto the stage. Forget the mad cow’s disease – Hawaii has suddenly become responsible for importing a contagious sheep – – – and we already had one of those last year!
Randy said you were jerky! Yeah Randy, like an epileptic seizure. Paula said you twisted your hip. Huuuuh? Simon said your nerves were the problem. I say you don’t need to have a neurological problem to get the shakes from this performance. Do the words “heebee jeebies” ring a bell????????
10. Jennifer Hudson – “No One Else On Earth” –Wynona Judd
OOOOOOOOH – Miss Jennifer has recovered from that scary experience with the paper shredder last week and it managed to straighten her hair out! Gurlfriend – you look DYNO-MITE! I got all excited for her performance. She had to come back and show American that they were wrong for sending her to losers row last week.
She had to – but she didn’t.
Jennifer started out subtly. She had some issues with volume control and lost herself in the arrangement. Then, the Holy Ghost leaped into her body and she strangled the microphone. She then choked out a few more lines and begged us to “clap it up ya’ll.” I was amazed that people in the audience actually listened. As she finished out the song and brought us down to “Earth” I sat on my therapist’s couch, shocked and dismayed, that my homegurl had a bad night.
Randy said you were pitchy. Paula said you had a great personality. EARTH TO PAULA – – THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL, NOT MISS CONGENIALITY! Simon said that other people were better than you. Although I love me some Jennifer, I can honestly say that this was a discount performance. It was almost cheaper than the price tag on Minnie Pearl’s lovely little hat – and I think she bought that thing in the early 1800’s.
9. Matt Rogers – “Amazed” –Lone Star
Steve Young (who played for San Francisco – WINK WINK) came to see his favorite American Idol football star sing his little tail off! He brought all of Matt’s friends from Moby Dick’s (ya know, that bar in the Casto) and the Ho-Mo-Down is underway! Mooooo! Mooooo! Buckaroos! Hey….. speaking of San Francisco, did I see Mayor Gavin Newsome in the audience too???? Maybe not. Oh well, we love you Gavin!!!!!!!!! Two snaps and a boot scoot boogie for our dashing Mayoral Prince.
Matt tells us that he has a speech impediment. He has problems saying his “r’s.” (Hmmmmmmmmm? That’s funny. I was sure my pastor told me they had problems with their “s’s. OH WELL!). Although his impediment has since subsided when he speaks, America suffered through his lyrical impediment tonight. The best speech pathologist in the world would have had a panic attack if they would have been called to the Red Room after this performance. In fact, they almost need to call in an oral surgeon for a little corrective surgery.
Randy said this was your best performance. WHAAAAAAAAT? Paula flooded us with more innuendos and told us how sensitive you were. The women at home are eating this up while their hubby’s are wincing at the mere thought of a bubble bathing bear who likes to tackle. Simon said he liked you but said you were a sellout. Baby, I’ll be amazed if you stay around much longer after that dismal number.
8. John Peter Lewis – “She Believes In Me” –Kenny Rogers
Barry Manilow once had a potato crammed up his blowpipe! It shot out into the sky and became John Peter Lewis, the demon child spawned outta Idaho!!!!!!! America – what are you thinking????? Someone please get me a deprogrammer and let’s buy ourselves a commercial!!!!!!!!! We have to save America from his hypnosis! When I see this guy, the theme song to Salem’s Lot starts to flood my mind. I mean, did you not see the freaky peekaboo behind the tree segment????? And his parents even dressed him up as the devil for Halloween!!!! EEEEEEEEEK!
Well, the creepy thing is that I actually liked this performance tonight! The Potatogeist actually impressed me. And since he did not dance like a lunatic, I have to bump him up a notch. He gave a squirrelly little performance but it was nice enough to make me smile a little.
But I promise, it was only a little smile.
Randy said you were no good. Paula said you turned this redneck rodeo into a pleasant performance. Simon said you had an odd voice. Um, yes Simon, that is because the devil is living inside of his pharynx!!!!!!!!!
7. Jasmine Trias – “Breathe” –Faith Hill
Ahhhhh. Spring has sprung and so has the sweet sweet smell of Jasmine. And we love her cute little mommy too. Mother Nora is a trip. She is chatty and lovable. She is proud of her daughter. And who wouldn’t be after the performance this girl gave us a week ago????
Jasmine stumbles onstage and appears to be lost in the field of corn. Is she detassling or is she singing tonight??? Anyway, after she finished shucking an ear or two of corn, she shucked my ears half off. It was not a very good rendition. But the truth remains, I cannot write this girl off yet. This is a terribly difficult song to sing. Heck, Faith Hill barely did it any justice and she is a country singing Empress.
Randy said your key was wrong. Randy is right because it certainly ain’t opening up my pandora’s box of appreciation. Paula said you were pitchy. Can Paula get a new word-of-choice this season? Simon said you were mumsy and dadsy. Please turn it up a notch Jasmine. You are better than tonight’s performance. Then again, who can criticize a cute little Hawaiian girl making her first public attempt at singing White Trash America’s version of cool music. This week, you get a bye.
6. Diana DeGarmo – “A Broken Wing” –Martina McBride
Diana showed us a video tonight. It is the scene where her mom threw her onstage to sing at the age of five. HOLY PATSY RAMSEY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Meanwhile, as she grew older, she toured the nation and sang the national anthem in front of thousands of screaming drunk Hockey fans (the Yankee version of southern rednecks). She came ready tonight. She was right at home in this country music theme.
Diana was sitting on the steps singing a snappy little Marina McBride number. She started a little shaky at the beginning but managed to turn it up a notch. There was a point in time where I felt like I was being pecked to death by Woody Woodpecker, but other than that, it was impeccable. Unfortunately for Diana, there were too many better singers tonight. Let’s just hope for Diana’s sake that Tuesday night is a bad night for Hockey. Otherwise, she might not get many votes.
Randy said it was the best performance for you. Paula is a total dork because she entered you into a long-note-holding contest. WHAT A GOOBER! Simon said you were not connecting to the audience. I say you tell Simon to connect himself to 1-800-IMA-TARD because he is apparently disconnected from reality.
5. Jon Stevens – “King Of The Road”-Roger Miller
Carrot Top has sprouted from the Stevens family gene pool. His mommy loves his hair and his daddy was terrified of it???? WHAAAAAAAT? How could anyone be worried about their child’s hair color????? With people like this floating about, is it any wonder our nation is so confused these days? Meanwhile, there is one thing that is not confusing for those of us at home. We all know that Opie likes to sing into girl’s chests. I MEAN, WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT VIDEO CLIP ALL ABOUT? I’m calling the Parent’s Television Council and filing a complaint! They need to take that TV-G rating down from the screen immediately! As if watching Simon tongue Paula tonight was not bad enough???? EEEEEW!
Opie came out singing about “trucks for sale or rent.” I guess it is a Mayberry thing???? He is bouncing all around the stage and snapping as if he had Tourrette’s Syndrome. SNAP – SNAP – SNAP! That’s all he kept doing. He snapped so much that he snapped me out of the other John’s hypnosis. And suddenly, I actually started to like Jon Stevens tonight. He forgot a few of the words toward the very end and turned his back on the audience. Then, like the biggest nerd in the history of television, he starts to mimic Michelle Pfeiffer’s famous sexy grand piano performance. WEEEEEEEIIIIIIRD!
Randy said he enjoyed you tonight. Paula shrugged off your poor memory while Simon dissed your dancing. I normally despise this kid, but tonight he was pretty decent. So, two snaps and a twist for the Red Snapper! You go Opie!
4. George Huff – “I Can Love You Like That” –John Michael Montgomery
George Huff has no sense of style. We see a sequence of photographs and the camera freezes on a tragic picture of George. He looked like the child Napoleon had with the androgynous artist we once again call Prince.
George sauntered onstage and the mood was enhanced when the Jumbotron started showing slow moving flames. He started a little weird but recovered very nicely. It sounded like an original rendition which is all anyone could have asked for this performance. As George finished his song he belted out a note so long that even Diana would be scared.
Randy said you were good. Paula thinks you are sexy. Simon said you had a connection with the audience. Apparently, Diana connected him successfully to 1-800-IMA-TARD. Thank goodness!
3. LaToya London – “Ain’t Going Down Til The Sun Comes Up” –Garth Brooks
Making weird faces is Ms. London’s favorite hobby. She bugs out her eyes and shakes her head all about – – EEEEK! SHE LOOKS LIKE JOHN PETER! She pulls out her ears and squints her eyes a little – – EEEEK! SHE LOOKS LIKE Rickey Smith! She makes her mouth open as wide as possible and she flared her nose to no end – – EEEEK! SHE LOOKS LIKE Fantasia Barrino! Sheesh. This girl is a chameleon.
LaToya started off her number running through the audience and waking up the people who were sitting next to Jon Steven and his family during the commercial break. The song was terrific! However, I really think many people in America will disagree. She SOUNDED off pitch. However, I listened to the show again on tape a and I finally pegged it – – – those stupid crew guys had her background vocal track playing too loud. It gave off the appearance of a poor performance, when it reality it was terrific. This girl deserved extra points for the mere fact that she memorized all of those icky words.
Randy said it was an incredible performance. Paula said it was the most fun she ever had. I wonder if that includes anything she ever did with Emelio Estevez????? Simon said it was fantastic. Even Steven Cojocaru popped in this week to offer his queer eye for you and the troops. Is it just me or does he look like the bastard child of Marilyn Manson and Carol Channing????? Well, anyway, the dazzling queen of fashion just loves you and so do I. OOOOOOOOOH Triple Kisses LaToya! Smooch-Smooch-Smooch!
2. Fantasia Barrino – “Always On My Mind” –Willie Nelson
Fantasia has the most enormous mouth I have ever seen. Mick Jagger would be jealous for cripes sake. Seatriscuit, my trusty horse for the evening, leans up and whispers that Fantasia is going to be singing Willie Nelson tonight. WOOOHOOOO! Somebody pass be a doobie stat! My best friend loves Willie Nelson. He is the only man in the world who tokes on a peace pipe and rollerblades up and down a bike path stoned. Well folks, meet the Fantasia version of Willie – it is cursed by the gospel, and it is muy fah-bu-loso!
Fantasia slinks onstage in a gorgeous black dress. She is standing stage left behind a collage of video screens behind her back. Looking elegant and determined, this girl managed to make a Willie Nelson song enjoyable to me – which speaks worlds for this girl’s talent. She changed it up and slowed it down. She made the song sound like it had never been sung before so I gotta give her props for it. Like the goofy woman holding a sign in the audience, I too am a “Fan of Tasia.”
Randy said you were controlled. Paula called you classy and exquisite. Simon said you are not a middle-age singer (whatever Simon, that’s what they said to Kelly Clarkson, and they were wrong about that too). Fantasia was simply not having it tonight from Simon. She started clucking her head back and forth and she shouted out, “I already proved I can get down with the get down.” You tell him Miss Girl! If you can make me enjoy a Willie Nelson tune, you did more than “get down” tonight – you performed a freaking miracle. Praise Jesus!
1. Amy Adams – “Sin Dragon” –The Dixie Chicks
“Hi, my name is Amy, and I just took up bulimia as a hobby!” Did anyone else notice that Amy looks as if she lost 20 pounds this week???? When we first see Amy she is begging her mommy for a mullet. Sheesh, that was surely an indication that she was going to rock the door off the barn tonight. Somehow it seems that speech impediments are contagious tonight, because Amy said she loved listening to “Ookits.” Amy then concludes her video claiming to be the zippedeedoodah-est, most fun person in the world – WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Amy rides a sheep onstage tonight (c’mon, like I would leave Carmen Rasmussen out of the Country Night review??? Fat chance”)! She kicks off her cowboy boots and freaks me out to no end. MY GAWD! THIS WOMAN IS A COUNTRY MEGASTAR WAITING TO HAPPEN! I would even buy the album. Heck, as incredible as she sounded, I would even consider buying myself a trailer. Amy not only gave a terrific performance tonight, but she sang this song better than all three of those Dixie Chicks combined. She brought her number to a close and flipped her magenta head right up at the camera. You shake it miss rodeo queen – you are my hero tonight, for I was totally mesmerized.
Randy said it was your best performance. Paula said you found your pocket. HUH? And Simon said, he just doesn’t get this kind of music. UMMMMM WHAT SIMON?????? Are you drunk tonight??? Well, Amy, I will say this – – whatever “ookits” is, I love it. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
The bottom three will be Jennifer, Matt, and Camile. My guess is that Camile will get the axe. She was rancid with a capital “R” tonight. She will run off into the sunset with Willie Nelson and smoke a pound of bud with the aging hippie. Jennifer had to bring it tonight in order to be safe. Unfortunately, the only thing she brought tonight was a new hairstyle. Mattrosexual Matt will lose a little bit of votes this week. As butch as the gay bear community is, they don’t really understand country music either!
But at the end of it all, I am left seeing OOKITS! Just when I thought I was out of the asylum and back to normal, some pink-headed diva has made me hallucinate. Then again, it might be from all the Budweiser I drank tonight! BUUUUUUUUUURP!
Tune in tomorrow night for the results and we will see. But not until we experience the return of another American Idol DIVA – The one, the only – – – K-Lo! YEEEEEHAAAAWWWWWW!
After the show, I grabbed my lasso and called out to Bucky and asked him to saddle up my horse. I then did the Electric Slide all the way into the parking lot. It seemed colder tonight (those damned buttless chaps). Nevertheless, I lassoed my horsy and climbed on top – and rode him all the way into the sunset!!!!!
Hi Ho Seactriscuit – AWAY!
CU Tomorrow Nite!
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