American Idol Gives Me the Fiji-Jeebies
Despite Being Overly Whitney-fied, Tonight’s Shining Star Is Barely Sparkling
By: The Raging Critic
Beer, Beads, and Breasts. That was the theme of the week last week. It was Mardi Gras and I had alternative plans in my schedule. Unfortunately, I was unable to review last week’s show, but I can only say this – America got it right for once. Miss London has reclaimed the name “LaToya.”
After stupendous shows during the first and third weeks, those of us at home could only wonder if week two was a fluke. I grabbed my pad of paper and my glitter glue pen and I started to sketch the night away. I was prepared to paint pretty pictures to the dazzling tunes of our week four semifinalists. Apparently, none of these kids read The Raging Critic because some of them broke the number one rule – DO NOT SING WHITNEY HOUSTON!!!!!!!!!! And the most important warning of all – ESPECIALLY SONGS FROM THE MOVIE, “THE BODYGUARD!”
Seacrest appears like a phantom in the night. In the great spirit of Whitney, he materialized in the Coke red room. Only Whitney herself could have done it better. But take it from her folks, CRACK IS WHACK!
Unfortunately, the voices of the evening forgot to listen to Miss Houston. Folks, we have a problem.
So, break out the handheld mirrors and skinny straws. We need to line up these kiddies and sniff them aside from last to first…
9. LISA WILSON – “Come To My Window”
She’s hugging the ground. She wants to step outside the box. She is a super model by day. Well Miss Thingie, you better work it girl and make love to that camera – cuz your vocal cords sound like they are broken!!!! That’s right! She sounded like Kelly Clarkson sewed her vocal cords to Ruben Studdard’s poop chute while someone behind the stage yelled “Thar she bloooooooows.” Lisa, my pretty, stay inside the box – PLEEEEEEEEEEASE! I swear – Shamoo herself could not have squealed so loud!!!!
This girl not only thought outside the box, but she screamed the closed caption box right off of America’s television sets in the process. I tried and tried to get into this song but I was too busy trying to save my grandmother’s crystal. Lisa, I will come to your window, but only to hammer some hurricane shudders up so I can keep you safe and quiet!
Randy said you were alright. Paula said you pushed to hard. Simon said he has never seen anyone open their mouth that wide before. Obviously, America knows now that Simon ain’t packin’ much then. I say, it’s a pity that ebay is so popular because this girl belongs in an auction.
8. JOHN PREATOR – “That’s What Love Is All About”
Somebody please call Paul Simon because Art Garfunkel has resurfaced! He is doing cartwheels all over the Coke red room and has started a new career of impersonating Michael Bolton. They show John’s parents, and by golly, I think Jimmy Carter is his dad. Hey – anyone but Bush, right????
John started his number and I was hoping the guys would finally shine. Needless to say, John failed to save the day and his notes were flatter than Britney’s chest before the surgery. The audience clap, clap, clapped away and I could not help but wonder – – – WHYYYYYYYYYYY? I felt like Nettie in the Color Purple when Old Mister tore her away from Celie….. WHYYYYYYYYYYYY? Then I look over an hear his voice shaking in agony – sooooooftlllyyyyyyyyy, soooooofffffftlyyyyyyyyy! EEEEEK! I realize, maybe I would be better off in Africa after all. See ya later Miss Celie! You can stay at home at babysit Sofia. I’m outta here.
Randy said he was glad it was over. I was wishing I could get it out of my head so it was over. Paula said you were off pitch. Simon said you belong in ice dancing. I say Brian Boitano should be insulted by that remark – you sure is ugly (and I am only referring to your voice).
7. JOHN STEVENS – “She’s Always A Woman”
Aunt Bea would be proud. Little Opie has grown up to be a crooner. All decked out in his best magic suit, Opie has decided to become a super star. I sat in my room prepared to whistle a little tune with our red headed step-child. Poooooor little Opie, Mayberry stopped whistling cuz his performance was just plain wrong!
He walked onstage and dazzled us with his Bar-B-Q potato-chip-colored hair. I started to crave a bag of mesquite Krunchers. Opie started crooning and I started to lose my appetite. In fact, I laid down and took a nap. This may have been the single most boring song in the entire history of this show. Screw Nytol!!!!!!!!! Just pop in a John Stevens tape and you will sleep like a log.
Randy said he did not like it. Paula said she liked the old you. WHATEVER PAULA – – you keep telling this guy to infuse the pop! He only did what you asked him to do. Simon said you were different. I say, here’s a trick you can pull out of your suit – make yourself disappear and don’t show up on my T.V. ever again.
6. TIARA PURIFOY – “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”
I wanna slap somebody!!!!!! That’s right! I am sick to death of Whitney Houston songs. What special kind of stupid person picks a song from a singer that brings such a mental image as Whitney. YOU JUST DON’T DO IT! I know, I know, some people do it and pull it off. However, this is a time to be unique and to grab the audience. We are sick to death of the monotony. Tiara dahling, if you make it to the next round, try singing an old ballad by Tesla – it might do ya some good to blow us away.
Tiara is wearing her silver satin jacket. She comes onstage twisting her leg around like a little girl who has to pee. This cheese head was all over the place with this song. I did not know whether to dance or have a seizure. I pray for the clock to strike upon the hour so this night begins to fade.
Randy said your modulation was ridiculous. Paula said you were one of the top two. WHAT IN THE WORLD??????? Top two of what, Paula????? Bad Whitney Houston impersonators?????? Simon said you were a complete mess. I say, Amen Simon. You know a bad crackpot when you see it.
5. JASMINE TRIAS – “Run To You”
UGH! Will this little Hawaiian flower image ever cease????? I guess not, and neither will the Whitney rejects! Jasmine is the last of the Hawaiian imports. At least I hope (especially after King Kamehameha’s hodrrifying performance last week).
Jasmine starts out singing this Whitney tune alright. She was a runnin’ and a runnin’ so well I actually thought she was going to pull it off. Then, just like all of those stories about the Hawaiian vacations from Hell, her performance started spinning like a helicopter out of control. Americans at home were slammed into the side of Mauna Loa.
Randy said you had potential. Paula said you took us on some twists and turns. Yeah Paula – you forgot to mention the crash!!! Simon said you were good enough for him. Tell me, WILL YOU STAY OR WILL YOU RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I pray for the latter)
4. HEATHER PICCININI – “New Attitude”
Little Miss Kim C. Wannabe is back. She has dyed her hair dark and picked a new song to celebrate the big change. She walks on stage and it looks like she was playing in traffic. The jumbotron showed cars zooming past Heather as if she were some kind of hitchhiker. OOOOH LOOOKIE – I think I saw Scooter Girl whiz right by.
OOOH OOOH OOOH OOOH OOOOOOOOOH! She’s got a new attitude!!!!! To bad she did not pick a newer song. This one did not work for Miss Tamyra two years ago, there is no way it is going to work for some white girl with a black doll for a last name. This song was just plain bad. She sounded like Kid’s Incorporated’s singing sensation, Martika, when she sang “I Love You More Than You Know It.” In other words, this song was made for 1989.
Randy said you were a lounge singer. Paula said it was cheesy. Simon said you have ugly facial expressions. I say drop the “attitude” and bring us a real number. You just might shock us, Miss Piccinini.
3. GEORGE HUFF – “Always and Forever”
My name is Humpty, pronounced with an “umpty.” Is it just me or did this dude look like the lead singer of Digital Underground?????? Either that, or Groucho Marx had a three-way gone awry with Sammy Davis, Jr. and some old homeless lady. Whatever the case may be, this dude needs an eyebrow waxing. Oh how I would like to Pluck thee.
Part Rapper, part cigar tapper, and part jaw yapper, Georgie jumps onstage and delivered a so-so performance. He started out pretty decent but it got worse as the song droned on. Aside from apparent phlegm problems, ole’ George looks like he might soon be fighting osteoporosis and Alzheimer’s disease. I doubt he could make it through to the end of the show.
Randy said you were the best male singer. I say that is scary! Paula can only notice the light around you. Maybe Paula is entranced by the mediocrity tonight – like a deer in headlights. Simon said you were the back line of the Temptations. Well, Humpty, let’s hope all the voters out there can help put you back together again because like everyone else tonight, you had a great fall.
2. SUZY VULACA – “Unbreak My Heart”
Miss Fiji has arrived for her big moment. Wait a minute????? Isn’t this AMERICAN IDOL????? The last time I checked, Fiji was its own country!!!!!!!!! Oh well! I guess it is okay to let foreigners compete in our competition. After all, the rest of the contestants sucked tonight. Miss Suzy’s last name is hard to pronounce, but it sounded like “Bull Caca.” Trust me – it just rolls off of your tongue!
Thankfully, she did not sing Whitney. However, she sure looked like an imitation. She was “ALRIGHT.” That is all I can say really. She did not wow my socks off. In fact, she sounded like the singers we hear while shopping at the grocery store. She held her notes, but she failed to carry them. CLEAN UP IN AISLE NINE!
Randy said you were really good. Paula said you were perfect. Simon said you were forgettable. I say you were good enough to purchase because the rest of the store was full of generics tonight. Nevertheless, I am keeping my receipt cuz you won’t last in the finals.
1. THE GIRL IN THE COKE COMMERCIAL – “Coke Commercial Song”
Nobody was as good as the girl in the Coke commercial tonight. Therefore, I am mailing my vote in for her!
What a dreary evening. Is it me or are you people getting scared too?
I think Jasmine will be one of the top two. I think Heather will move onward as well. America is just too deaf, dumb, and blind to get this one right. Heck – I can hardly figure out which one was the best of the lot – and I live for this silly show.
SIGH – If only Sara Logan and that Scooter Creep would have been here. Only if!
CU TOMORROW NIGHT!
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