American Idol Dumps The Bear
Chapter 4: Eighth World Wonder
By: The Raging Critic
Whew! I just got home from riding halfway across the world. I have been searching for the Eighth Wonder of the World. My butt cheeks are chafed from those dreaded chaps and poor little Seatriscuit is worn out from the ride. I hardly thought I could last through another long, drawn-out show due to the exhaustion. And then I realized – – – THIS THING IS ON FOR ONLY A HALF-HOUR TONIGHT!!!!! YEEEEHAAAW!
Seatriscuit gallops onstage and the fans were screaming mad! He then tells us that we broke a few records last night. Over 19.5 million votes were cast and the show received the highest Tuesday night rating ever! WOOOHOOOOOO! I then realize how lucky the viewers really are. After all, they could have tortured us with a Josh Gracin performance tonight. While the show is breaking records, he could have broken our ear drums. But Josh is not here now, and we have gathered here today to break a few hearts! It is time to send one of these country bumpkins home tonight!
Seatriscuit gets right to the point and introduces our guest performer tonight. HIP HIP HOORRRAAAAAY! Kimberley Locke is back! Ryan then insults her as she shimmies onstage. He exclaims, “here’s proof that you don’t have to be a WINNER or a STAR to be on this show.”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OH NO HE DIDN’T!
Oh yes he did.
K-Lo starts singing her new single for the first time ever! She starts out slow with her signature low-volume, weak, and shaky intro. Then WHAM BAM ALACAZAM – she belts it out like there is no tomorrow! Oh my golly, she found the Eighth Wonder of the World before I had a chance tom conquer this feat!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH! Sounds kinky!!!! I like it! K-Lo trudges on and the song is a gem! She cracked a high note at the end, but she finished it strong. She nailed a note that lasted so long that I started to think she was the eighth wonder herself. So you found the Eighth World Wonder Kimmy????? Please send it my way when you are through with it!
Randy said she was hot. Paula said she was amazing. Simon said she would make it through to the next round. OOOOH GOODIE! Does that mean we get to dump two of these contestants tonight in order to keep her????? One can only WONDER. Although K-Lo is really leaving us after tonight, we can all go out and buy her album on May 4th. Sign me up please!
Kimberley then moseys offstage and we are now ready to fry three of these cow patties…
Opie – You stopped dancing and you started snapping. Whatever it is, you need to keep it up. However, you are nowhere close to being the eighth wonder. Then again, a singing Red Snapper is pretty frickin’ wondrous. My gut was telling me that tonight could be a fish fry, but to no avail, you are safe. All of Mayberry is home watching tonight. All five of its citizens are snapping along with you. Hmmm, did they power dial????????
Fantasia – Miss Gurl is shakin’ her head left to right. Her Jody Watley earrings are flying all over the place. She practically slaughtered Opie and the Rose Bowl Bear at one fell swoop. Matt then leans over and whispers into her ear, “can I borrow these next week?” “HELL NO!” exclaimed Fantasia. “GRRRRRRRR! now get away!” Ryan then tells Fantasia she is safe and she pumps her fist up in the air. Obviously, Simon was wrong last night. He ain’t “down with the get down.”
Mattrosexual Matt – By this time, Matt’s panties were all in a twist. He really wanted those dad-gummed earrings to match his fabulous Rose Bowl ring. But the pressure was on and there was no time to squabble. In a moments notice, Ryan sent him to the Bottom Three Barrel. Here Matt, grab your bubble bath just in case you don’t return!!!!! Tee hee hee.
LaToya – The AI3 penultimate diva is looking red hot tonight. It looks like she and Steven Cojocaru went shopping after the show last night (oh how I miss shopping with my good friend Trenyce). LaToya, not only did you get triple kisses from me and Steven last night, but America gave you triple kisses too. You are safe! She then looks over at Opie and says, “you ain’t the only red hot number in this place!” SMOOCH – SMOOCH – SMOOCH!
George – Humpty is batting his lashes at the camera. Are those pasted on his head or are they real?????? Good lord! Then I start to wonder….. Are he and Fantasia really the same person???? Is this camera trickery??? Have they uncovered the Janet-Michael Jackson mystery????? Just then, Scooter Girl zooms by in a flash and tears George’s breast pads out from his shirt! EEEEW! Oh my GAWD – it is Miss Jackson (it was pretty nasty).
Jasmine – Your petite little flower appears to be an annual instead of a perennial. In other words, you have not consistently blossomed this season. Nevertheless, we did give you a bye last night, so you are definitely safe. But listen up my little wahine, you better get your act together or we will be sending you back to Fantasy Island on da plane da plane.
John Peter Poltergeist – The Catholic priests are gathering at the Vatican to discuss your savage possession. The world is starting to wonder if he is John Peter is the Scarlet Harlot from Revelations. I grabbed the plastic crucifix I got for free with my ticket to The Passion and slammed it up against my television set. Ryan then tells America that JPL is safe!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHAAAAAH! OH MY GAWD! I think I saw Carol Ann in my T.V.!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEK!
Camile – Obviously, this girl was dressed for a disaster tonight. She had to know that tonight was her night to go. She tried to blend in with the other idols. She wore camouflage pants to blend in with the Jasmine garden and she wore a pink top to blend in with Amy Adams’ spiky pink head! Ryan then shot a scud missile at her and sent her to losers tow to cuddle with the big bear. Camile raises her powerful wristband and knocks the smoking scud to the ground like a patriot missile. She then picks it up and takes a big hit from it and smiles into the camera. She ain’t worried anymore, that’s for sure.
J-Hud – Jennifer is still dealing with her hair. She looks haggard and worn down from all of the stress. She is still in dismay from her bottom three scare last week, and last night’s tragic performance was no help for the nerves. Seatriscuit then gives J-Hud the good news – YOU ARE SAFE! J-Hud’s eyes then pop out of her head (even more than usual) and America is flabbergasted because that means either Amy or Diana are toast! OH NO!
Amy and Diana – Amy, you blew the barn door off of this redneck roundup and America was blown away by you. Diana, all of America obviously read my review last night and mistakenly called 1-800-IMA-TARD by mistake, cuz you my pretty are in the bottom three.
WHAT? Are you kidding me? This is an utter travesty! Diana DeGarmo is one of the top four or five singers in this bunch. There is no way she is on the verge of eviction.
During this time, we got to see yet another corny Ford commercial. LOVE SHACK BABY!!!!!! LaToya has kidnapped the gang and they heading down the Atlanta Highway en route to a big rave at a rural farm. Paris Hilton and Nicole run out to greet them! YEEEAHHHHH! Nicole’s arm is caked with cow manure and Paris is dressed like she is ready for yet another porn video! In an effort to get the pornographic thoughts of Paris out of my mind, I start singing the song, “I got me a Chrysler and it’s as big as a whale…….” HUH???????? Here we go again. Last week they ripped off Toyota, this week it is Chrysler. These people are just plain wrong!
The camera fades in and the moment has finally arrived. One of these kiddies is getting their season pass to Dollywood taken away. Diana was sent back to safety and I was totally relieved. WHEW!
Camile, you need to go to the doctor and get a prescription for Nasonex. I am still trying to recover from the shakes I endured after your performance. But you had better go fill your prescription in a jiffy cuz you are staying a little while longer. Matt, my man, take your bubbles and get the heck outta Dodge! We have some singing to do here! Matt grabbed the microphone and closed his AI3 stint with another innuendo. He sang a lullaby to he sweetheart – Mr. Simon Cowell!!!!!!
At that very moment, a huge riot broke out in the Castro. Leather queens and bears were picking up bricks and throwing them at the television set at Moby Dick’s. The death of the Bubbles the Bear has caused a scene reminiscent of Stonewall 1969. America, grab a hold of your seats, THE BEARS ARE COMING!
Hey, didn’t Judy warn us about the Lions and Tigers and Bears?
CU Next Tuesday!
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