American Idol Does The Crocodile Rock
Chapter 7: Three Ring Circus
By: The Raging Critic
Laaadiiees and Gentlemen and children of all ages, Sir Elton John has tried to steal the thunder from Sir William Hung! I had recently been shocked and appalled that this wretched little Riki Martinomo routine had popped into the spotlight. Nevertheless, he has managed to grasp my approval.
Why? Because he will hopefully distract all of those looney tunes circus roadies who are punching their phone pads for Opie and Carmen – I mean Camile – Velasco! People are starving for attention in Los Angeles and we are feeding them a bunch of pity votes! WHAT’S WITH THESE PEOPLE??????? They are turning this show into a three-ring-circus!
Here is my full and final statement – - – last year it was the Carmen fans. This year we have the Jon Stevens and Camile fans! These people have to fall into one of the “stupid people voter” categories I established last season. That is, unless they really think these kids are the best????? (which I find to be veeeeeeery peculiar)
Meanwhile, Sir Elton is looking as knightly as ever. He rode my trusty steed, Seatriscuit, into this gig – but I didn’t see any armor. Isn’t he supposed to be a knight????? And why didn’t he bring the pips this time? HEHE.
By the way, I forgot to mention – - – Seatriscuit is a Dancing Lipizzaner Stallion. The breed became particularly famous when they got a bad case of herpes while traveling with the circus in the 1970′s. And honey, lemme tell you – it just ain’t pretty when they are at the circus when that happens!!!!!! NO WONDER ELTON DIDN’T STICK AROUND TO BE A GUEST JUDGE!?!?!?! Eeeeeeeew!
But never fear ladies and gentleman and children of all ages, The Raging Ringmaster is here to bring out the finest acts in the land (cough – hack). Here they are folks, starting with the clowns and ending with the thunderous roar of a surprising lion.
9. John Peter Lewis – “Rocket Man”
JPL must have been sucked back into the light with me last week. He did not seem to have that demonic spirit living inside himself anymore. He came onstage with his brand new Michael Landon Little House hairdo and a peppy green jacket. The only thing missing were some cute little lace socks and a kite! I mean, what happened to this dude?????
John Peter opened his mouth and three hundred different singers were singing out of his mouth tonight. One line would be convincing while the next line would be painful. He sounded confident and commanding in one breath and then timid and meek in the next. And then it dawned on me – - this guy is a total poser! I wouldn’t be surprised if he made a crazy bet with someone to enter this competition and has somehow managed to make it this far. He simply did not have any confidence tonight.
Randy said it wasn’t your favorite. Paula insinuated that you had no range. Simon gave you the ultimate insult and said you needed singing lessons. As much as I have NOT liked JPL this season, I at least secretly admired his weirdness. Tonight that fuse has fizzled. So, if you are the rocket man, then I say we shoot you outta this circus like a great big cannonball cuz Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise our kids. KA-BOOM!
8. Camile Velasco – “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”
The Scarecrow wants to find his brains. The Tin Man wants to find his heart. The Lion wants to find his courage and now, The Hawaiian Sheep wants to find her voice. Thank Goodness you are lucky enough to have a friend of Dorothy’s drop by to offer a little inspiration and some voice coaching!
[Enter Elton John]
Camile could not stop crying in rehearsals this week because she is obsessed with Sir Elton John. He is a big gay white man with a whole lotta black woman living inside him. Camile obviously tried to achieve this bizarre feat tonight but managed to blow it all outta proportion. She tried to add a little R&B flavah to this number, but she ended up jerking the lyrics all over the place.
Randy said it was a little shakey. Um, Hellooooo? It was so shakey that it apparently knocked the demons out of John Peter this week!!!!!!!! Paula looked like she was trying to catch her balance as your vibrato almost rattled her chair off of the stage. Simon said this might be the end of the road for you. I say – if I were you, I’d be saying goodbye to that yellow brick road too. Your voice might sound less jerky if you traveled along some smoother pavement.
7. Jon Stevens – “Crocodile Rock”
Opie is almost as red as Elton’s piano. Elton wants this crooning little snapper to spice up his personality. After all, clowns do need to keep the audience peppy! So, Opie decided to bring out a little bit of zaniness tonight as he picked the most up tempo-Elton song on the planet. This show can’t get any more crazy can it???????
Opie starts flapping his red face and his fingers start snapping away. I started to watch him and I actually got a smile on my face. It was not boring. It was not dreary. By golly – this guy actually did a decent job tonight – - – - – - that is – - – - – - until he started hitting those high notes……. “Laaaaaaaaaaaaah Ack ack ack ack aaaaaaaaaaaaaack. Ack ack ack ack aaaaaaaaaaaaaack.” Somebody call in the Crocodile Hunter in a jiffy and get this guy outta here. I think Camile has given this guy her sinus problem!!! It must be CONTAGIOUS!!!!
Randy was cracking up and said you were worse than a high school play. Paula then gives what seemed like a benediction, but she basically said you were pitchy. Simon said you were the musical equivalent to Plan Nine from Outer Space. I say – you were the sound equivalent to a homeless woman’s queef. Dial 1-866-Idols-OhNo.
6. Diana DeGarmo – “I’m Still Standing”
Diana is here to show her SASSY personality. She is wearing a butterfly infested shirt and is running through the rafter while high-fiving the audience. As she ran by and smacked these people half to death, I noticed many of them wiping their hands on the front of their jeans. EEEEEEW. Diana must have cooties! I mean, what else could explain her screaming tonight.
Diana simply had her worst performance ever tonight. She had no control of her depth. She had no control of her volume. She had no control of her giddy clapathon disaster. The only thing missing was a little slobber and a lollypop to go with that finger licking bad performance. CLAP ON CLAP OFF – THE CLAPPER – [clap clap].
Randy said you were aiiiiight. Paula said that she still thinks you are talented. In other words Diana, you were really crappy tonight. Simon said he had nothing to say. Well – - while you are still standing Diana, I am gonna try to pick myself up from laughing at your performance – - and I do apologize for interrupting Mr. Cowell’s moment of silence for you.
5. Jasmine Trias – “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”
Jasmine takes her turn at tonight’s Big Top Extravaganza. She has came here tonight to make Elton proud. She is dressed in Cher’s half-breed get-up (minus the feathers). She stormed onstage and delivered another excellent performance.
Jazz Tree wails away and I started to get all warm inside. Her voice has returned after a 2-week vacation. YIPPEEEEEE! However, while she was singing about not letting the sun go down on her, her vocal cords took a surprise nosedive. She dropped a note toward the end and warbled out a creeky little finish to her number. Although the ending was a bit off, the song was an overall success.
Randy said you were pitchy. Paula said you were pitchy. UGH!!!!! Last year we were subjected to the over-usage of the term “upper register” and now we must suffer through the word “pitchy” all season. Simon basically said the sun went down on you tonight. THAT PERVERT! Well, I say these people were too caught up in the pitch, because that performance was outstanding!
4. LaToya London – “Someone Save My Life Tonight”
LaToya is sitting on the steps. She is begging America to save her life tonight. That’s right. People were busy voting for morons last week instead of letting their fingers walk for this lyrical gem. She was dragged through the trenches of the bottom three barrel and is out to campaign for your support. And why shouldn’t you?? She is terrific!
LaToya has finally dropped her nasty Christina Haguilera genie outfit and is back to her normal self. I was a little nervous as she sang the first verse or two. It sounded like she had a weak grasp of her chords. But never fail – - she took hold of herself and commanded a spectacular finish. She held her notes and controlled the change of her tone very nicely. And if you add the aesthetic quality of this girl’s teeth, you have yourself one sparkling performance.
Randy thanked you for singing great. Paula said you were magical. Simon said your first two-thirds were a little iffy, but overall you had a great performance. I actually agree with Simon tonight. I only hope America did too. We need to pick up our phones and save your life tonight in order to prevent you from further humiliation.
3. George Huff – “Take Me to the Pilot
OOOOOOHHH Our hot little flight attendant porno theme song has found its way to the gospelized vocals of our Humpty Huff. George is begging the world to clear the chambers and to get him up to that cockpit in lickety-split fashion. Well, all I can say is that it must have been one hot pilot!
Georgie starts singing this ditty and America was suddenly riding the friendly skies of Fabulair Airlines. We were rocking and a rolling and it felt like a good ole’ night in the bayou. If it is possible to even say it, I think he may have actually put more soul into this number than Elton himself. I used to think this guy was a clown like Rickey Smith. But I have since been proven wrong.
Randy said you worked it out. (Hmmmm, that’s what the pilot said). Paula said you were a singing machine (mmm hmm – a 747)! Simon said you saved the show tonight from the death-defying sideshow we have witnessed tonight. I say you were absolutely brilliant in picking a lesser-known song tonight. It allowed America to see your vocal ability without the hazy image of His Royal Soulness. You keep surprising me every week!!
2. Fantasia Barrino – “Something About The Way You Look Tonight”
For Fantasia Barrino, the best thing after having her baby is being able to sing with Elton John. Elton fell in love with Fantasia during rehearsals. He said she was incredible. Meanwhile, Fantasia looked right into the camera and then told America that it was time for her to “get it ooooooooooooooh-n.”
Fantasia started her number way up in the audience. She looked like a kid being dragged down the stairs to play the Grand Prize Game with Bozo the Clown. Thankfully though, she was no Bozo tonight. In fact, she managed to nail this grand prize game bucket for bucket. I was astounded by her captivating spirit as it transcended upon those of us who packed into this tent. And it wasn’t the way she looked tonight, it was the way she sounded – - – SUPERB!
Randy said you sounded like Aretha. Paula said there was nothing about you she doesn’t love. Simon said you screeched it and that it was your weakest performance ever. WHAT-EVER SIMON – YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK – GOODBYE! Fantasia – you are a freak-of-nature and I love you for it!!!
1. Jennifer Hudson – “Circle of Life”
Where do we even begin?
Within the past two to three weeks, I became convinced that J-Hud needed to get the heck outta here. She had thrown too much “HALLELUJAH” into her performances lately. As much as I love black gospel music, I did not like the country or Motown mixmaster flash versions that we suffered through the past two weeks.
Excuse me while I convert. I have just become a J-Hudson’s Witness.
She came onstage tonight with the spirit of the Lion King. She opened up this number with a thunderous roar – and refused to stop until all of us doubting hyenas stopped laughing at her. I quit laughing and my jaw dropped to the ground. WOW!
Randy said it was the best performance by anyone ever on this show. Paula said you finally found yourself. Simon said that you finally proved you belong in the top twelve. What an understatement that was, Simon!
Tonight, Jennifer Hudson took the Fantasia-LaToya diva competition and turned it into a three ring circus.
I am starting to get totally confused for the first time in my American Idol career (hehehe). I mean – I love me some LaToya. I really want her to win, but Fantasia is wowing me more and more each week too. George Huff has blown me away lately and I am finding myself rooting him on as well. Jasmine has thrown a couple of tricks into the mix and I can’t help but wonder if she has something even bigger up her sleeve. John Peter has shaken his demons and moved to Walnut Grove with Nelly Olsen. That Michael Landon coif has gotsta go! It sure is getting wild and crazy up in here folks.
But what was with the judges tonight?
Just when you think you got these people figured out, they throw us some alter egos. Paula was not nice enough tonight. I mean – that is why she is there right? Simon actually managed to ridicule a contestant without getting booed (JPL). I mean, what is going on here?
I have no idea who will go home this week. If this is the circus, then the Ringling Brothers might have a run for their money. The only thing missing here is the Big Top.
….speaking of which – where is that pilot Georgie was telling all of us about?????
CU Tomorrow Nite!
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