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American Idol Devours Another Victim (Chapter 13)

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American Idol Devours Another Victim
Chapter 13: Little Red Riding Opie

By: The Raging Critic

Once upon a time, there lived a little wannabe crooner with red hair. His name was John Stevens, but the locals in the Village of Mayberry always called him “Little Red Riding Opie.” He sang so bad that everyone in America started to develop poor taste in music. They rode along for a lyrical ride that always ended up in the middle of nowhere. Psychologists often refer to this as classical conditioning, but I shall refer to it as brain damage. Either way, the tale is a Grimm one indeed.

One day, Opie’s mommy sent him to the American Idol tryouts. She had given him the same ancient secret that had turned the Pied Piper into a great success – the gift of disillusionment. She sent the young lad off to Hollywood and asked for him to sing a song for his grandmother. Opie slipped on the dinner jacket he bought at K-Mart and waltzed onto the stage to sing “the music of his heart” – all for his sweet little grandma. GAG ME WITH A PITCHFORK!

Meanwhile, the big bad wolf (a.k.a. Ryan Seacrest) leaped out from behind the curtain and frightened Little Red Riding Opie. He wanted to eliminate Opie from the show right then and there, but knew that all of America was watching. So, he handed Opie the sheet music (you see, he sometimes forgets the words) and sent him out to sing for grandma. The wolf then told Opie that he would do just fine and that he would do America proud. If it weren’t for the cameras, the wolf would have devoured him before giving him a chance to perform. WHEW!

The night came to a close. All of America nestled themselves fast asleep as sugarplums danced in their little heads. However, due to mass exposure to a highly overexposed Latin cabaret band, The Raging Critic threw up some porridge and lost many hours of sleep.

Alas, we now come to part two of this fateful tale tonight – the fairy tale ending!

The show starts off on a peculiar note. The dramatic announcer sounds a little different. The big bad wolf then appears onstage and tells us that America broke the record again. He reassures us that the show has not lost any ground in the wake of the devastating show last week. 28 million calls were made. Then again, who would know for sure, we have not heard word from Ernst & Young have we?????? In a flash, the American Idol tour info zips past my face. I did not catch the whole thing, but I think it said, “bend over” somewhere in the message. OOOOH – SOUNDS KINKY!

The wolf then introduced our panel of esteemed judges. Randy is decked out in a bland 70’s-print shirt. Paula’s boobies look candy-striped in her funky little get-up. And Simon is wearing – YOU GUESSED IT – black! Wolfie then tells us that the contestants blew the roof off the place last night. Ummmmm, yeah, because it was sooooooooooooooooooo poopy last night that all the steam forced the ceiling to give way. P-U! But before the viewing public even had a chance to relive the nightmare, the scary sequel unfolded right before our very eyes – – The Big Group Number! YEHAAAAAAAAAAW!

That’s right people, the 6 remaining finalists belted out a gargantuan “YEHAW” to start off their little medley tonight. KIDS – THIS IS LATIN MUSIC, NOT CARMEN MUSIC!!!!!!!!!! Meanwhile, the group starts singing about “Party Time” and they are waving their hands back and forth as if they were Ice Capades minus the silly skating gimmick. i QUE HORRIBLE ! Diana was shouting the 1-2-3-4 while LaToya was still trying to shake the spirits from last night’s splendid performance. Jasmine was busy humping thin air while all of the perverted old men found themselves giving the show their utmost attention. Fantasia is begging for attention of her own as she screams out, “c’mon baby say you love me, 5-6-7 times.” But before we could do the 8-9-10 and 11, the sextet forms a conga line. I was so lost in numbers that I could have been 69ing without ever taking notice.

“come-on-baby-lemme-see-ya-do-the-conga-i-know-i-can’t-stand-john-stevens-any-longer-feel-the-anger-across-america-getting-stronger-his-head-is-even-redder-than-a-rotten-beet.”

OH-AYE OH-AYE!

Folks, this performance couldn’t have been squirrellier even if it was performed by the Teletubbies – even if all six of them were dressed as Tinky Winky. In other words, it was STINKY STINKY!

The wolf then returned to the stage. It was finally time for him to pluck out the three little piggies and devour one of them whole (apparently, the big bad wolf has been in one too many fairy tales). He tells us that he is going to divide them into two groups again – yes people – AGAIN!

Fantasia – Guuuuuurlfriend. You have proven to America that you can get down with the get-down, but can you do the Cha-Cha? Only time will tell my pretty, cuz you dear are in group A.

Diana – You stole the brushes off the electric car wash and slapped the audience half-to-death last night. But will you get waxed tonight????? We’ll see in a moment, cuz you are also in group A.

LaToya – The Raging Critic may be livin’ la vida LaToya, but only time will tell if you will be livin’ la vida caca. You too are in group A.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, what? Were the first three out of six just tossed into the same group????????

Little Red Riding Opie – If you thought the Texas Braceface Massacre was scary (remember the moronic Subway commercial last night????), then just wait til you get a load of grandma wolf. You are in group B. But before you try to run away, you are forced to stay put on the couch. DAMNIT!

Jasmine – “Here we are” Jazz Tree. You know where you sit tonight, so just keep your ass planted there. You too are in group B. (YAWN) Jasmine tried screaming home for help but it appears that Hawaii is on a time delay.

George – Your face looks a little worn down, but you can give your feet a rest because you too are in group B. George then looked into the camera and yelped, “Awwwwwww shucks.”

OH MAH GAWD! DID THE WRITERS GO ON STRIKE OR WHAT? CAN I CROSS THE PICKET LINES AND SAVE THIS SHOW FROM COMPLETE IGNORANCE! I mean, are these people more transparent than swiss cheese or what????? Tonight, they tried to show America that the show is not scripted for dramatics! That’s right! They purposefully wrote the least suspenseful sequence of dividing these kids up tonight. They realized that they screwed up last week and needed to find a way to make it look like this is merely the way the cookie crumbles.

DO THEY THINK WE ARE IDIOTS? (wait, don’t answer that).

Anyway, they then tried to add a little suspense by making us think that the bottom three were already in the middle of the stage. They gambled that America would not see their tactics because we would all be relieved that the best three singers were safe. Call me crazy, but while the blind viewers were wiping their brow in relief, I was busy wiping my butt with their script.

THANK GOODNESS IT WAS 2-ply!

But before this place really started to stink tonight, the wolf told America that the best three singers from last night were safe. WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Poetic Justice for everyone! So group B is about to be somebody’s lunch! As they walked to the center of the stage, George started dropping bread crumbs so he could find his way back if he was lucky enough to get outta this alive. One never knows though because the redhead has been awfully lucky in recent weeks.

The wolf then calls out George’s name. Everyone, including our dopey soul man, thought he was going to be picking up the bread crumbs, but apparently, the writers are trying to give poor George a nervous breakdown. The wolf told him to get out of the way and let Jasmine gobble up the dough and head back to the big cottage in the Hollywood Hills. Jasmine then made a mad dash back to the couch. Had this happened last year, Ruben would have eaten the bread and poor Jasmine would have been stranded. OH THE HORROR OF IT ALL!!!!

Seacrest, all dressed up like Opie’s cute little grandma, hugged John Stevens and told him that everything was going to be alright.

Little Red Riding Opie looked up and said, “My – grandmother, what big arms you have!”

“All the better to hug and caress you with, my dear,” said the wolf.

“Grandmother, what big legs you have!”

The wolf exclaimed, “All the better to throw in the air backstage after the show, my child!”

“Grandmother, what big ears you have!”

“Thanks to you, my child, they are in dire pain,” shouted the wolf.

“Grandmother, what big eyes you have!”

“Yes,” whispered the wolf, “but they are blinded by your pasty-white skin, my child.”

“Grandmother, what big teeth you have!” Opie then noticed his best friend, Goldilocks (a.k.a. Carmen Rasmussen) and Baby Bear (Matthew Rogers) were mangled inside the jaws of our trusty host!

The wolf then got angry and started to scream, “I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your whole house down!”

Just then, the producers of the show got angry. America’s ears stood up in confusion! THAT WAS NOT WRITTEN IN THE SCRIPT YOU JACKASS!!!!! That was supposed to happen when Georgie got the boot!!!!!!! The big bad wolf (remember, this is our blonde metrosexual host we are talking about here) leaped out with his teeth gnashing. He gained his composure and looked at the teleprompter for his cue.

“Oooopsies,” said the wolf, “I meant to say that my big teeth are so big that there ain’t nothing better to eat you with, my dear.” Little Red Riding Opie shrieked with horror.

“Go ahead and eat me then!”

Seacrest tore off the grandma costume and then tore off the wolf costume. He opened his mouth, tipped back the stage, and devoured Little Red Riding Opie and spit him out into the mailbox and shipped his remains back to Mayberry via Federal Express. It cost $4.95 to be exact> I know this because I offered to pay the postage. All of America cheered, except for those who suffer the ill effects of brain damage. But hey, sh!t happens, even in the land of make-believe.

….and America lived happily ever after!

Moral #1: Be sure to select a song that compliments your voice, unless you are purposefully trying to get yourself voted off the show. That is what I think John Stevens did this week, and I thank him for it. I know you do too, unless you are on the waiting list for a lobotomy at Cedars-Sinai this week!

Moral #2: 4 million Americans are brain damaged!

CU Next Tuesday!

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  • sheri

    “Go ahead and eat me then!”

    buahahahahahahahahahaah :0)

  • http://macaronies.blogspot.com Mac Diva

    “Little Red Riding Opie.”

    ROFL!

    You’re bad, R.C.

  • http://fando.blogs.com Natalie Davis

    4 million Americans are brain damaged!????

    Talk about an understatement.

    I’ll give Opie this: He is darned cute and very mature for his years.

  • Duke

    Maybe you’re the one who made the threats against John Stevens!

  • Beau Tee

    if jon stevens and jasmine will go, the AI show would be boring to watch…. i will just be watching girls of the same color with the same genre…whitney houston wannabes. If they win so what?

    how about fantasia george and la toya sing their guts out and outdo each other
    but in between show footages of jpl, jon, jasmine, amy, lea, matthew….

  • http://www.theragingcritic.com The Raging Critic

    UGH! What an utter shame it is to read the above post.

    The show is boring without Jon Stevens????????? WOW – how ironic?!

    First of all, Whitney is a crack-ho. Wait, nevermind, she said, “crack is whack” in her Diane Sawyer interview. So, maybe she is strung out on cocaine or crystal meth. Either way, she is a total mess. Hopefully, rehab can bring her back. I don’t think anyone wants to be her right now, except perhaps, Robert Downey, Jr.

    But back to the sistahs in the American Idol competition.

    I hear so many people refer to Fantasia and LaToya as “Whitney wannabes” that it really makes me sick to my stomach. What is it about these girls that make them “like Whitney.” After listening to them sing for almost 4 months, I can assure you, NEITHER singer is like Whitney.

    LaToya would be the closest thing to being a “Whitney wannabe.” However, she has a subtle tone to her voice. The only similarities she has to Whitney are (1) she is gorgeous, and (2) she is black. But she has more of a Mary J. Blige aura to her. Nevertheless, she is not Mary either – she is LaToya London – your next American Idol.

    Fantasia is the furthest thing to being a “Whitney wannabe” you could ever find. She is gritty. She is spunky, and he has enormous lips (which she is quite proud of thank you). To call Fantasia a Whitney wannabe is a farce. The only similarity she has to Whitney is that she is black – nothing more and nothing less. People compare her to Macy Gray. But in all honesty, she is a zillion times better than Macy (minnus that horrible Gloria Estefan perforance).

    When people hear comments like the one illustrated above, it is evident that racism exists. No – I am not talking about the kind of racism where a bunch of white folks run to Target and buy a bunch of white sheets, lumber, and gasoline. I am talking about merely taking notice of one’s color and objectifying them for it. I admit that racism is racism is racism, but the reflections shine through in various degrees.

    Had the people all been white, the comments above would have never been made. And the last sentence reflects this quite effectively. By conceding that the best singers remaining are black (i.e. LaToya, Fantasia, and George), but suggesting that the show would not be any good without throwing in a few clips of all of the non-black singers is not only an insult to black folks, but it is an insult to the integrity of the show. I also noticed that Jennifer Hudson’s name was omitted from that list. I cannot help but wonder, “why?”

    Although I am admittedly a LaToya fan, Jennifer Hudson was the best vocalist in the competition – and she waxed Whitney Houston’s ass by singing her songs. Just ask Quentin Tarrantino. She is certainly more gospelized than Whitney. In fact, you could say that she is similar to Sissy Houston (Whitney’s mom). But Jennifer Hudson, is amazing.

    I am as white as can be, but I see no color in this world. I shook those demons long ago. It’s a pity that others in America cannot.

  • Eric Olsen

    Yes RC, it is too bad. I’m not sure if it’s plain racism or just narrow taste that causes such statements, I hope it’s the latter, but the result is to say all black singers are the same, which is beyond absurd: Charley Pride, Jimi Hendrix, and Luther Vandross are nearly identical.

    Great job as always.

  • john

    “I am as white as can be, but I see no color in this world. I shook those demons long ago. It’s a pity that others in America cannot.” – The Raging Critic
    ——————————
    Open your eyes Critic, and the color you will see! Talk about a “holier than thou” attitude, you’ve got it pal. Unless you are existing in a vacuum I can’t imagine that this “color-blind” scenario holds water. A certain amount of racism is an inherent part of human nature and to claim that you’ve “shaken it” defys logic, unless you also claim to be the second coming. Can the rhetoric and come down to earth with the rest of us. Amen.

  • http://fando.blogs.com Natalie Davis

    “A certain amount of racism is an inherent part of human nature”

    That’s bullshit, purely and simply.

  • http://www.theragingcritic.com TheRagingCritic

    < <<>>>>>

    I would like to clarify something.

    Firstly, I do not have a “holier than thou” attitude. I grew up in a family with Klan members. Luckily, God made me a loathesome homo and I conquered racism around the same time I conquered my own internalized homophobia.

    What an insult for someone to dismiss my clear-thinking intentions by calling me “holier than thou.” I didn’t say I wasn’t perfect, I just said I wasn’t racist.

    Since this is a forum, the only way we can be judged in this electronic community is by the keystrokes that cement themselves in front of our eyes. I have never given any indication of being a racist (not even to the most remote degree).

    Living in a vaccuum????? HA! The vaccuum is the other side. I am fully aware of racism in today’s culture. However, it still saddens me. Those who live in vaccum’s either deny the existence of racism and treat it with an apathetic temperment, while others deny their own. I can assure you, I am neither.

    I AM THE RAGING CRITIC – AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE!

  • http://www.theragingcritic.com TheRagingCritic

    Well, I approve the message, but not the typos I just noticed.

  • Sandra Smallson

    Beautee: …….jpl, jon, jasmine, amy, lea, matthew….

    Sandra: …and you wouldn’t be bored with watching the above people of the same colour? Go sell crazy someplace else, we are all booked up here.

    Having watched it today, I am glad to see JS go. However, it was interesting to note that this time when they were expected to perform AS WELL AS sing..they were all bad. LOL. Even the power houses such as Latoya and Fantasia were bad. Diana tried her best but you could almost hear her gasping for air:)

    Now, perhaps they’ll see how difficult it is for Britney. It’s okay to stand in one spot and belt out. Britters at 11 seemed to be belting out some musical slush in the MM club vid they show repeatedly on VH1…BUT, when you have the sort of choreography that gal has, no jupiter can sing live all the time with that much work. So for those times when the poor lass sings live and still dances her ass off, and all she gets is non-entitities like Monica saying Britney can’t sing? You tell the “singer” Monica to dance a mile in Britney’s shoes and sing, let’s see how she sounds. It is not easy to sing live and perform at the same time and I am very impressed with full packages like Britney than with any vocal power house who might as well be a statue while we listen. That’s what I have my portable music devices for.

  • sheri

    On local interviews, Diana complained more than once about the lack of sleep. The concern being that the relentless pace would affect her performance.

  • Sandra Smallson

    ..and she’s not even a popstar yet..LOL. Has she been misled that being a popstar is easy bcos of the lack of respect they get? She should think again. If she has a problem with the pace of AI at this young age, she better quit now. If she ever gets the opportunity to perform to sold out stadiums or arenas, 5 days in a row in different countries for a 3 month span she’ll be hospitalised indefinitely.

  • Carol

    The Raging Critic has far too much time on his hands, far too much hatred in his heart and far too much ego in his head. Get a life and do some good in the world.

  • http://www.theragingcritic.com The Raging Critic

    LOL at the post directly above. It might as well read, “George Jefferson is no fair – he is short with no hair!”

    PUHLEEEEZE!

    I am the one who advocates against racism. I am the one who begs my readers to vote for contestants solely on talent. However, I am somehow the hateful person?????

    If people cannot take the criticism, then they should never subject themselves to the Amrerican Idol enigma. It is the very essence of the show. I simply choose to chime in as if I am the phantom judge.

    My writing (as The Raging Critic) is a satirical approach to the ignorant ways of a “JUDGING AMERICA.” Most of the comments that you read are nothing more than a satirical way of exemplifying bigotry, intolerance, and hatred. I realize that my words are often misinterpreted, but hey, isn’t everything?

    Why do you think hundreds of people are dying all over the world each day? It is because we have interpreted a Book and a belief system to the point where most of the world has lost the absolute answer – whatever that may be. Therefore, we are all products of bastardized thought patterns. So, as far as I am concerned, if you don’t get my point- well, that is too bad sistah! We lost touch with homogeny a thousands of years ago. I, for one, am not going to try to patch up that mess.

    If my words are ever perceived as being hateful – well – then my writing was not meant for that particular audience. But for the readers in America who are insightful enough to comprehend my ideas – well – I suppose my writing is for that audience. May we all be blessed enough to think alike forever!!!!!!!!!!!

    It is most insulting to be accused of having “too much time on my hands” (especially when the accuser knows NOTHING about my day to day activities). I work 50-60 hectic hours a week. Most people consider my job as being one of the most intellectually challenging careers in America. The persona of a raging critic is merely a peek into one side of me – nothing more, and nothing less.

    SO PEEK-A-BOO HONEY!

    To me, creative writing is my escape from reality. I spend hours each day structuring sentences while making the most persuasive argument possible. However, when I feel like unwinding, I write from another part of myself. I make no apologies for my beliefs and I certainly do not adhere to any rules while typing them for the whole world to read – – – – no punctuation rules – – no grammah rules – – – and certainly no rules on sentence structure. My writing is MY CONVERSATION with a blank screen.

    Thank GOODNESS for the concept of BLOGGING!

    As a viewer, I am solicited to cast a telephone vote (or twenty) based on vocal performances for the American Idol Megashow. When I write, I call things as I see them. Every once in a while, I will see a “singer” (insert rabbit ear quotation hand gestures here) seep through the cracks because I personally feel that he or she has been allowed into this competition in order to keep a wide variety of viewers interested. Despite having zero vocal talent, many contestants still manage to grab votes from people who vote for personality, color of skin, appearance, weight, and everything else OTHER than vocal ability. When I see this conceptual turd festering within the bowels of my nation, it makes me become critical. And as an American, I am entitled to express whatever opinion I have about the show (at least until the Patriot Act grants my government the right to invade my house while subsequently dubbing me as a terrorist and then denying me access to the judicial system).

    So while a few blind readers in this world may view my writing as an utter waste of my OWN time, I must occasionally remind these stray souls of one significant factor……… MY WRITING IS FOR ME AND ME ONLY.

    SHOULD the reader ever interpret my work as being insulting or enlightening, inciteful or chilling, ignorant or wise, OR sane or insane – is certainly not my problem nor is it my victory. Instead, it is merely MY point of view. Whether one chooses to subscribe to it is entirely one’s own decision.

    So at the end of the day if any particular person does not approve of MY message, I have one piece of sound advice which should make that individual’s day a whole lot easier…

    WIPE AWAY THE TEARS AND DIVERT YOUR CLOUDY EYES!

    I am The Raging Critic – and I certainly DO approve this message.

  • Beautee

    Either La Toya or Fantasia or George will win so what??? Is there excitement in watching AI until one among the three will be declared the winner? Time to switch to other channels. Why not try this formula: La Toya or fantasia vs Jasmine or Diana. The diva vs the pop idol. It will be a more exciting game and AI show rating will be maintained.
    I’m amazed at how these racist people spontaneously react at the slightest cue they get from my previous comments about the show. They accused those comments as implicating racism. They made a very big deal out of it and wrote tons of essays about racism. I was just freely expressing what I feel now about the show and this critic is making a big serious issue about it. Your mind is so malicious, judgemental, and negative. You hate others’ opinion just like you hate yoursel.
    For me, AI Season3 is already over.
    The winners are Fantasia or La Toya. They’re the best when it comes to singing.But they’re not cute. Personality wise, the others are cute like JPL,Jon, Camille, Jazmine,Lea.(and they can sing a little)

  • http://www.theragingcritic.com The Raging Critic

    In re: post directly above:

    REMINDER: This post spawned this entire debate: “if jon stevens and jasmine will go, the AI show would be boring to watch…. i will just be watching girls of the same color with the same genre…whitney houston wannabes.”

    Reminder about American Idol: This show winds down to only one remaining contestant. If black people bore you(excuse me, I suppose it isn’t the color of the skin, it’s JUST the genre to which they belong – LAUGH) then feel free to turn the channel.

    Gimme a break here. I loathe country music, but if Amy Adams would have been able to sing country every night, I would have voted her every night. Get out of “genre mode” and listen to the voices. These kids are vying for a lucrative record deal, not the lead role in Mister Rogers Neighborhood.

    If you think I am malicious, turn on the local Fox news station in Miami. Go read the articles about the show online. Go read Entertainment Weekly. And by the way, do you even listen to Simon Cowell????? Critics are supposed to be aggressive in tone – otherwise they would be Paula Abdul clones. Talk about BORING!

    I encourage everyone to give their own take on the show. Just don’t objectify people simply because they are black or white.

    To those who think I am hateful, let’s ask this: Did you think All In The Family was a show about hate? If your answer is yes, then I’m sorry you didn’t get it.

  • Beautee

    La Toya and Fantasia are black and so am I. I prefer fellow black Ruben Studdard better than these blacks in AI3. In AI3 I like JPL, Jon Stevens, Camille,Lea & Jasmine, and Jennifer Hudson.
    Woe to the Raging Critic. He makes a very big deal about color. Mention ‘color’ and he’d be sparked and ignited to a never ending blah blah blah about racism, etc. Go ahead and crown yourself as the world’s greatest and smartest critic. So what??????
    All my batchmates in junior high thinks you’re a psycho case.

  • http://WWW.THERAGINGCRITIC.COM tHErAGINGCRITIC

    Over and out!

  • Flo

    I think you are nuts and your comments are way off the track.