American Idol Devours Another Victim
Chapter 13: Little Red Riding Opie
Once upon a time, there lived a little wannabe crooner with red hair. His name was John Stevens, but the locals in the Village of Mayberry always called him “Little Red Riding Opie.” He sang so bad that everyone in America started to develop poor taste in music. They rode along for a lyrical ride that always ended up in the middle of nowhere. Psychologists often refer to this as classical conditioning, but I shall refer to it as brain damage. Either way, the tale is a Grimm one indeed.
One day, Opie’s mommy sent him to the American Idol tryouts. She had given him the same ancient secret that had turned the Pied Piper into a great success – the gift of disillusionment. She sent the young lad off to Hollywood and asked for him to sing a song for his grandmother. Opie slipped on the dinner jacket he bought at K-Mart and waltzed onto the stage to sing “the music of his heart” – all for his sweet little grandma. GAG ME WITH A PITCHFORK!
Meanwhile, the big bad wolf (a.k.a. Ryan Seacrest) leaped out from behind the curtain and frightened Little Red Riding Opie. He wanted to eliminate Opie from the show right then and there, but knew that all of America was watching. So, he handed Opie the sheet music (you see, he sometimes forgets the words) and sent him out to sing for grandma. The wolf then told Opie that he would do just fine and that he would do America proud. If it weren’t for the cameras, the wolf would have devoured him before giving him a chance to perform. WHEW!
The night came to a close. All of America nestled themselves fast asleep as sugarplums danced in their little heads. However, due to mass exposure to a highly overexposed Latin cabaret band, The Raging Critic threw up some porridge and lost many hours of sleep.
Alas, we now come to part two of this fateful tale tonight – the fairy tale ending!
The show starts off on a peculiar note. The dramatic announcer sounds a little different. The big bad wolf then appears onstage and tells us that America broke the record again. He reassures us that the show has not lost any ground in the wake of the devastating show last week. 28 million calls were made. Then again, who would know for sure, we have not heard word from Ernst & Young have we?????? In a flash, the American Idol tour info zips past my face. I did not catch the whole thing, but I think it said, “bend over” somewhere in the message. OOOOH – SOUNDS KINKY!
The wolf then introduced our panel of esteemed judges. Randy is decked out in a bland 70′s-print shirt. Paula’s boobies look candy-striped in her funky little get-up. And Simon is wearing – YOU GUESSED IT – black! Wolfie then tells us that the contestants blew the roof off the place last night. Ummmmm, yeah, because it was sooooooooooooooooooo poopy last night that all the steam forced the ceiling to give way. P-U! But before the viewing public even had a chance to relive the nightmare, the scary sequel unfolded right before our very eyes – - The Big Group Number! YEHAAAAAAAAAAW!
That’s right people, the 6 remaining finalists belted out a gargantuan “YEHAW” to start off their little medley tonight. KIDS – THIS IS LATIN MUSIC, NOT CARMEN MUSIC!!!!!!!!!! Meanwhile, the group starts singing about “Party Time” and they are waving their hands back and forth as if they were Ice Capades minus the silly skating gimmick. i QUE HORRIBLE ! Diana was shouting the 1-2-3-4 while LaToya was still trying to shake the spirits from last night’s splendid performance. Jasmine was busy humping thin air while all of the perverted old men found themselves giving the show their utmost attention. Fantasia is begging for attention of her own as she screams out, “c’mon baby say you love me, 5-6-7 times.” But before we could do the 8-9-10 and 11, the sextet forms a conga line. I was so lost in numbers that I could have been 69ing without ever taking notice.
Folks, this performance couldn’t have been squirrellier even if it was performed by the Teletubbies – even if all six of them were dressed as Tinky Winky. In other words, it was STINKY STINKY!
The wolf then returned to the stage. It was finally time for him to pluck out the three little piggies and devour one of them whole (apparently, the big bad wolf has been in one too many fairy tales). He tells us that he is going to divide them into two groups again – yes people – AGAIN!
Fantasia – Guuuuuurlfriend. You have proven to America that you can get down with the get-down, but can you do the Cha-Cha? Only time will tell my pretty, cuz you dear are in group A.
Diana – You stole the brushes off the electric car wash and slapped the audience half-to-death last night. But will you get waxed tonight????? We’ll see in a moment, cuz you are also in group A.
LaToya – The Raging Critic may be livin’ la vida LaToya, but only time will tell if you will be livin’ la vida caca. You too are in group A.
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, what? Were the first three out of six just tossed into the same group????????
Little Red Riding Opie – If you thought the Texas Braceface Massacre was scary (remember the moronic Subway commercial last night????), then just wait til you get a load of grandma wolf. You are in group B. But before you try to run away, you are forced to stay put on the couch. DAMNIT!
Jasmine – “Here we are” Jazz Tree. You know where you sit tonight, so just keep your ass planted there. You too are in group B. (YAWN) Jasmine tried screaming home for help but it appears that Hawaii is on a time delay.
George – Your face looks a little worn down, but you can give your feet a rest because you too are in group B. George then looked into the camera and yelped, “Awwwwwww shucks.”
OH MAH GAWD! DID THE WRITERS GO ON STRIKE OR WHAT? CAN I CROSS THE PICKET LINES AND SAVE THIS SHOW FROM COMPLETE IGNORANCE! I mean, are these people more transparent than swiss cheese or what????? Tonight, they tried to show America that the show is not scripted for dramatics! That’s right! They purposefully wrote the least suspenseful sequence of dividing these kids up tonight. They realized that they screwed up last week and needed to find a way to make it look like this is merely the way the cookie crumbles.
DO THEY THINK WE ARE IDIOTS? (wait, don’t answer that).
Anyway, they then tried to add a little suspense by making us think that the bottom three were already in the middle of the stage. They gambled that America would not see their tactics because we would all be relieved that the best three singers were safe. Call me crazy, but while the blind viewers were wiping their brow in relief, I was busy wiping my butt with their script.
THANK GOODNESS IT WAS 2-ply!
But before this place really started to stink tonight, the wolf told America that the best three singers from last night were safe. WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Poetic Justice for everyone! So group B is about to be somebody’s lunch! As they walked to the center of the stage, George started dropping bread crumbs so he could find his way back if he was lucky enough to get outta this alive. One never knows though because the redhead has been awfully lucky in recent weeks.
The wolf then calls out George’s name. Everyone, including our dopey soul man, thought he was going to be picking up the bread crumbs, but apparently, the writers are trying to give poor George a nervous breakdown. The wolf told him to get out of the way and let Jasmine gobble up the dough and head back to the big cottage in the Hollywood Hills. Jasmine then made a mad dash back to the couch. Had this happened last year, Ruben would have eaten the bread and poor Jasmine would have been stranded. OH THE HORROR OF IT ALL!!!!
Seacrest, all dressed up like Opie’s cute little grandma, hugged John Stevens and told him that everything was going to be alright.
Little Red Riding Opie looked up and said, “My – grandmother, what big arms you have!”
“All the better to hug and caress you with, my dear,” said the wolf.
“Grandmother, what big legs you have!”
The wolf exclaimed, “All the better to throw in the air backstage after the show, my child!”
“Grandmother, what big ears you have!”
“Thanks to you, my child, they are in dire pain,” shouted the wolf.
“Grandmother, what big eyes you have!”
“Yes,” whispered the wolf, “but they are blinded by your pasty-white skin, my child.”
“Grandmother, what big teeth you have!” Opie then noticed his best friend, Goldilocks (a.k.a. Carmen Rasmussen) and Baby Bear (Matthew Rogers) were mangled inside the jaws of our trusty host!
The wolf then got angry and started to scream, “I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your whole house down!”
Just then, the producers of the show got angry. America’s ears stood up in confusion! THAT WAS NOT WRITTEN IN THE SCRIPT YOU JACKASS!!!!! That was supposed to happen when Georgie got the boot!!!!!!! The big bad wolf (remember, this is our blonde metrosexual host we are talking about here) leaped out with his teeth gnashing. He gained his composure and looked at the teleprompter for his cue.
“Oooopsies,” said the wolf, “I meant to say that my big teeth are so big that there ain’t nothing better to eat you with, my dear.” Little Red Riding Opie shrieked with horror.
“Go ahead and eat me then!”
Seacrest tore off the grandma costume and then tore off the wolf costume. He opened his mouth, tipped back the stage, and devoured Little Red Riding Opie and spit him out into the mailbox and shipped his remains back to Mayberry via Federal Express. It cost $4.95 to be exact> I know this because I offered to pay the postage. All of America cheered, except for those who suffer the ill effects of brain damage. But hey, sh!t happens, even in the land of make-believe.
….and America lived happily ever after!
Moral #1: Be sure to select a song that compliments your voice, unless you are purposefully trying to get yourself voted off the show. That is what I think John Stevens did this week, and I thank him for it. I know you do too, unless you are on the waiting list for a lobotomy at Cedars-Sinai this week!
Moral #2: 4 million Americans are brain damaged!
CU Next Tuesday!
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