Let out a collective sigh of relief, America, American Idol is finally over. Sure, there’s been some “wrap up” shows with all sorts of nutty routines, but the worst is over. Well, until they start auditioning for next season.
In the beginning, it was fun…tone-deaf kids thinking they were the next Justin Timberlake or Britney Spears, showing off their…ahem…skillz to a panel of judges comprised of a former pop-star Laker girl, an American producer, and the ever-reviled co-creator of the show, responsible for such atrocities as WestLife. The egotism of the competitors was hilarious early on, and since most of them could peel enamel from teeth with their struggle to find a note (or, hell, any note) they did not “go to Hollywood”.
Eventually ten were left. Evidently, they did fascinate America, just ask the boys at World Wide Rant, who kept getting ‘RJ Helton Gay American Idol’ Google hits. And frankly, I don’t mind admitting that I thought Nikki McKibbon was and is as adorable as they come. Now, if she could have just sang something decent…
I have a proposal: next time Fox decides to do another American Idol, they should search for not only someone who can sing, but who can also write their own music and, say, play an instrument or something. Now, that might showcase some talent. Or even a good-old-fashioned “Battle of the Bands” type thing. I’d check into that. Who wouldn’t?
But right now, what we have just experienced is nothing short of an atrocity. To be blunt: Medleys are sick and wrong anyway. Medleys that combine Beach Boys and Lovin’ Spoonful tunes and are sung by a group of twenty year olds…well…there’s a special place in hell for whoever made that happen. Furthermore, it quickly became painfully evident that these kids had never performed with other people, they struggled to harmonize and lost the battle.
The last time I heard so many Whitney Houston tunes, I was traveling a desolate stretch of highway 101 in California with a broken CD player. I searched repeatedly for a station, but only one come in faintly…of course, it was Clear Channel’s finest, “today’s hits and yesterday’s favorites.” It was torture, but it kept me awake. Writhing, but awake.
I find myself wondering if, at any point, were the competitors horrifically embarassed by what they had to sing? I would be. But then again, at age 26, I am ancient in pop star years, and would not be allowed to compete. Which is an excellent out, because I’d hate to be told, “there’s no way you can be an American Idol because you are fat”.
The whole premise behind the show is embarrasing. It really amounts to taking a pretty face and making them famous. Sure, you have to be able to sing, but lots of people can sing. Do you think Alicia Keys would have made it in the final 10? Not with that pumpkin head. Melissa Etheridge? Too old, not pretty, so forth and so on. Elton John? Even when young, he was no looker, and had no cool moves whatsoever.
I use those examples because ironically, their trademark songs were frequently showcased during the comptition.
American Idol is straight up evil. And as much as I hate to admit it, I’ll probably watch again next season, too. Like a rubbernecker driving past a horrifically bloody accident, I can’t seem to stop myself from watching the carnage.
Please… tell me that somebody is developing a 12 step program for this.