So take a good look at my faceyou’ll see my smile looks out of placeif you look closer, it's easy to tracethe tracks of my tears.
Kurt’s Dad in Heathers: I love my dead gay son!
Really? Can‘t we get someone in there to recount those chads again? Can we get the fire brigade to West Hollywood, it’s on fire. Well, then again, when isn’t it?
Remember when Jethro Tull won the first Heavy Metal Grammy over Metallica and the entire nation sat there mouth agape in disbelief?
Are you as happy as me that Adam Lambert will never have to scale the mountainous lameness that is “No Boundaries” ever again?
Blue nation, red nation, will it never end?
Can’t we finally glue together this great big American schism and live as one?
Back in the day, Howard Cosell was the number one sports broadcaster in the country. Half of America loved him, and the other half of America hated him, but he was the entire conversation.
No offense, to the infinitely likable … what was his name again … uh, Kris Allen, but American Idol 2009 was quite simply the Adam Lambert referendum. Ryan Seacrest might as well have given out a number to vote no on Lambert rather than one to vote for Allen. The result was a record-setting number close to 100 million, and none of them were cast in a milquetoast, blase fashion.
America had a chance at exciting, dangerous, daring, and fabulous, and instead chose calm, safe, likable, and non-threatening.
Sadly, you could sense the backlash approaching. “He hasn’t won yet, why is he on the cover of Entertainment Weekly? I don’t like him screeching at me! Why is Adam Lambert yelling at me?”
Sigh. Your next American Idol is a really decent guy who, when auditioning, told Simon Cowell that he was sure that there were better singers out there than him. Kris Allen’s first reaction to winning was a shocked, apologetic, “Adam deserves this.” He’s a great guy, so don’t hate the alternative Lambert nation, merely wipe away your tears and carry on.
Console yourself, by acknowledging that Brian May and Queen were there to laud the greatest American Idol contestant of all time and perhaps the true future of the Freddy Mercury legacy.
Laugh at the fact that the show’s producers were forced to book Kiss, because they were simply the only band in existence that featured more makeup than their glam child, headline-making contestant. Harden your hearts by cherishing the sight of Lambert wearing those foot-high platform shoes and what I can only describe as David Bowie-esque fab black wicker shoulder pads.
As Bob Dylan once wrote to the unhearing, “There’s something happening here and you don’t know what it is, do you Mr. Jones.”
And to the freaked out, couldn’t handle the glamour, disapproving world at large, all I can say is, “If you were shocked by what you saw in that sterile environment, wait until you see what’s coming, when he’s allowed to embrace the truly unrestrained glitter child within him.”
Wake up, Randy Travis. Wake up, heartland. Adam Lambert will be back and it won’t be boring.Powered by Sidelines