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America Votes No on Referendum Lambert

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So take a good look at my faceyou’ll see my smile looks out of placeif you look closer, it's easy to tracethe tracks of my tears.

Kurt’s Dad in Heathers: I love my dead gay son!

Really? Can‘t we get someone in there to recount those chads again? Can we get the fire brigade to West Hollywood, it’s on fire. Well, then again, when isn’t it?

Remember when Jethro Tull won the first Heavy Metal Grammy over Metallica and the entire nation sat there mouth agape in disbelief?

Are you as happy as me that Adam Lambert will never have to scale the mountainous lameness that is “No Boundaries” ever again?

Blue nation, red nation, will it never end?

Can’t we finally glue together this great big American schism and live as one?

Back in the day, Howard Cosell was the number one sports broadcaster in the country. Half of America loved him, and the other half of America hated him, but he was the entire conversation.

No offense, to the infinitely likable … what was his name again … uh, Kris Allen, but American Idol 2009 was quite simply the Adam Lambert referendum. Ryan Seacrest might as well have given out a number to vote no on Lambert rather than one to vote for Allen. The result was a record-setting number close to 100 million, and none of them were cast in a milquetoast, blase fashion.

America had a chance at exciting, dangerous, daring, and fabulous, and instead chose calm, safe, likable, and non-threatening.

Sadly, you could sense the backlash approaching. “He hasn’t won yet, why is he on the cover of Entertainment Weekly? I don’t like him screeching at me! Why is Adam Lambert yelling at me?”

Sigh. Your next American Idol is a really decent guy who, when auditioning, told Simon Cowell that he was sure that there were better singers out there than him. Kris Allen’s first reaction to winning was a shocked, apologetic, “Adam deserves this.” He’s a great guy, so don’t hate the alternative Lambert nation, merely wipe away your tears and carry on.

Console yourself, by acknowledging that Brian May and Queen were there to laud the greatest American Idol contestant of all time and perhaps the true future of the Freddy Mercury legacy.

Laugh at the fact that the show’s producers were forced to book Kiss, because they were simply the only band in existence that featured more makeup than their glam child, headline-making contestant. Harden your hearts by cherishing the sight of Lambert wearing those foot-high platform shoes and what I can only describe as David Bowie-esque fab black wicker shoulder pads.

As Bob Dylan once wrote to the unhearing, “There’s something happening here and you don’t know what it is, do you Mr. Jones.”

And to the freaked out, couldn’t handle the glamour, disapproving world at large, all I can say is, “If you were shocked by what you saw in that sterile environment, wait until you see what’s coming, when he’s allowed to embrace the truly unrestrained glitter child within him.”

Wake up, Randy Travis. Wake up, heartland. Adam Lambert will be back and it won’t be boring.

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About keithcrime

  • http://theglenblog.blogspot.com Glen Boyd

    America probably did get this one wrong, but I’ll bet ya dollars to donuts makes it bigger than Allen anyway…look no further than Daughtry for the precedent there.

  • http://theglenblog.blogspot.com Glen Boyd

    I’ll bet ya Adam makes it bigger…thatas what I meant to0 say.

  • Mridula

    great article. adam will always be my idol.

  • Mari

    Adam is my idol. Yes, see Santana grab Adam’s hand, seeing Brian May smile at Adam and Kiss embracing Adam–I know who the super star is. Adam, you were robbed by the nut job right wing Americans.

  • hello

    Don’t know you, Braid Laidman, but right now I love you. Thanks for the first smile I’ve had on my face since Ryan read the verdict.

  • rc from philippines

    Adam will always be my Idol. He SHOULD HAVE won this ,but middle america is homophobic and some people even voted against him without even watching the show. It’s disgusting to see (main examples: Bill O’Reilly, that Gokey pastor who tweeted for vote against Adam, and many other gay-haters, just see the Kris and Danny facebook fanpage). American Idol is a joke. This show is down the drain for me. I’m NEVER watching it again, and I only stuck around for Adam anyway. Goodbye AI, and hello Adam. I will be awaiting your future CDs and concerts. (Forget about the others, I wouldn’t even bother buying anything from them.. Except maybe, Allison, but that depends on her songs.)

  • Jordan Richardson

    Well put. Your biting commentary shines a big light on what really went on here. Well done, sir.

  • STM

    There’s possibly another side to this argument …

    Could it be, simply, that America preferred the talents of the other competitor??

    Given that there are certainly some out there in the community who are anti-gay, it’s also probably true that many are not and that not everything’s an anti-gay conspiracy.

    Worth considering.

  • Maddy Pumilia

    #8 STM is totally correct.

    Maybe think that everyone I talked to who liked Kris liked Kris because he was a GOOD singer, not just because he’s straight.

    I’m sorry that you’re upset that Adam didn’t win, but be a good sport.

    Get over it.

    “America had a chance at exciting, dangerous, daring, and fabulous, and instead chose calm, safe, likable, and non-threatening.”

    Don’t you mean annoying and awful “rock star” vs. a great and talented singer?

    Kris was the clear winner in my book. He didn’t yell. And I like Randy Travis!

    Maddy

  • http://www.maskedmoviesnobs.com El Bicho

    Wake up, Brad. Your guy lost, the one whose undeclared sexuality you are obsessed with as much as all the homophobes who apparently voted against him according to you.

    Although considering Gokey and Kris were similar performers where did you think Gokey’s voters were going to go?

    And why no chastisement for those Adam fans who grew complacent because the judges have been declaring for weeks that Adam was the winner? Or those who frequent the site Vote for the Worst and wanted to muck up the system? Or those that didn’t buy the nonsense that Adam was the next Elvis/Freddie Mercury/Robert Plant/ et al? Or those that thought his performances of “Ring of Fire” and “One” sucked? Or those with enough sense to be able to discern the real dynamic behind his performance of “Whole Lotta Love” was the band behind him?

    Besides, if you are really a fan of his, you should be glad he didn’t win because now he isn’t bound to a contract and can have others compete for his talents and likely make more money.

  • Suse1701

    [Personal attack deleted by Comments Editor]

    Brad, you are my new blogtastic hero! I posted your “Balls of Steel” URL in a few venues and received several responses effusively thanking me. My lead was: Best. Freakin. Article. Ever.

    So now, in my moment of need, I’ve come to you for consolation. I KNOW you get it.

    About our boy … I’ve coined him today, in my grief, The Messiah of Modern Music. Has that been said already? If so, I’ve never heard it, so I’m staying with it. I’ve read encyclopedias of blogs from people who attest that he’s woken them up to the power and passion of music like never before. I know I’ve experienced the same.

    Even though I knew the outcome (I’m a Westie and read the East Coast spoilers), I have to admit, I enjoyed the HELL out of most of that show. Let’s touch on Adam’s stage presence, which only seemed magnified when he was in the presence of so many others and such icons.

    I COULD NOT TAKE MY EYES OFF HIM. I tried. I was trying to watch and root for the other Idols, but my eyes involuntarily were back on him.

    And … was it just me, or did he effortlessly upstage Gene Simmons? I’ve never been a huge Gene Simmons fan, but I would NEVER question his formidable stage presence. Granted, he and Brian May are getting up there, but an ego such as Simmons’ does not defer to ANYONE. Yet, Adam dominated that whole performance ??” without trying to. Adam owned it yet STILL gave it away. He makes everyone else better too.

    Now that I’m writing this, I’m beginning to wrap my brain around the true expanse of his genius. He’s not only profoundly gifted, he’s incredibly gracious and generous. The blackest heart would be hard-pressed to question the sincerity of his reaction to Kris’ win. He was elated for his friend,

    I aspire to be the kind of person Adam Lambert is: pure talent, exemplary grace.

  • carrie

    Brad, you are my hero! My family and I have watched American Idol every year yawning. This year it was like a rocket ride to the moon every time Adam took the stage. He is exciting, hot, entertaining, and a truly talented singer. I love your articles and appreciate that you saw his greatness as well. LOVE ADAM LAMBERT!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Ashes

    Thanks for a great article, I too love Adam, and he has greatness in his future!!

  • adamsluvjnes

    All of Adam’s fans voted for him to win. Every Glambert, Lambskank, Adamholic, etc. that I know voted for Adam for 4 solid hours and could only get through the last hour. For 3 hours the phone lines were busy. For 3 hours, no votes for Adam got through. So there was no complacency, especially since Adam had been in the bottom 2 the previous week. We went balls out in voting for Adam.

  • adamsluvjnes

    Also, thank you for the great article. I love Adam. I have bought my ticket for the Idol tour. I only have eyes for Adam Lambert. BTW, Adam has won the Young Hollywood Artist of the Year Award. Kara Dioguardi is supposed to be the one who is presenting the award to him. The show airs this Sunday.

  • Samantha Collins

    Thanks for a great article. I’m adding your blog to my must-read list.

  • KC

    Just wondering do you still do the gossip girl recaps?