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Almost Live Convention Analysis

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P7294803-SITE.jpgHere are my running and rambling notes from the Democratic National Convention last night. I thought I was actually going to a Bruins’ game but realized my error when I saw that they were using the Zamboni to block terrorists from the Premium Seats Men’s room.

4:30 pm – The first thing I scout out when we get inside is where I can buy booze. Guess what? I can’t. How freakin’ un-Democratic is that!

5:15 pm – Some one hands me a Kerry / Planned Parenthood button. Jenga warns me not to wear it in public. People get really nasty about those things she says. I don’t worry. I just tell those people that they are the reason for birth control. If their mother’s had used it, I wouldn’t have to listen to their annoying crap.

6:24 pm – Mid-way through my quest to get on the Floor, my phone rings. It’s Jenga warning me again. Some guy told Cole that if we are not in our seats by 6:30 we will lose them. I add to my list of people who need to be stuck with the sharp, pointy side of my Planned Parenthood button.

7:12 pm – Okay, now what? A bunch of people keep prancing up and down the stage promoting John Kerry. I am cramping up from sitting in this tiny seat. I P7294749-site.jpglong for Catholic Mass. At least there you got to stand up and sit down a few times… I used it as my exercise before I stopped believing in God. Now God is making me fat.

7:49 pm – I am seated next to a middle-aged woman from Michigan who keeps tapping me on the shoulder and asking me to hold things for her. I stick her with my Planned Parenthood pin.

7:50 pm – Lieberman speaks. I leave to go nosh. I see my friend Traci has followed. She beats me to it when she says “That guy is a Republican.”

7:59 pm – Just learned that one of our group, who is sitting next to me, is from Canada. What the hell is she doing here? I alert the local authorities to suspicious activity. She thought it was for a Bruins’ game too, eh.

8-something-ish pm – Willie Nelson is singing. Had I known he was here I could have scored some weed.

8:30 pm – I see people on the Floor are getting signs to hold. I want a sign. I will hold my breath if I don’t get one. Conventions are all about free shit.

8:50 pm – Carole King comes on stage to sing “You’ve Got a Friend.” Having a child I think it’s going to be the Randy Newman song from “Toy Story.”

8:54 pm – Michigan Lady says she had never heard that song before. I draw blood with another pin sticking.

9:02 pm – They are playing “Celebrate” over the loud speakers… again… I think it’s because it’s the only song White people can dance too. Our friend Pete dances. Pin Stick number 4!

9:07 pm – Alexandra Kerry tells us twice that her dad is 6’4″ tall. Is that with or without the hair?

9:10 pm – Vanessa Kerry talks about her dad giving mouth-to-mouth to the family hamster. Great. We’ve got the bestiality vote sewn up!

9:26 pm – I nearly wet myself. I got a sign to wave. It says “Veterans for Kerry.” I will wave mine for Max Cleland if he has to scratch his butt or something.

9:27 pm – Speaking of wetting, I’ve got to take a leak… but I am trapped here. I want to call my buddy Karl the Pilot. He showed me the little tubes pilots can use to pee into when they are in a small plane. He told me they work on suction. I think the interns at this convention do too.

P7294734-SITE.jpg9:36 pm – They are showing still images of Republican voters on the big screen. At the height of the dramatic music, they write “Voting for Kerry in 2004!” I think it should say “CAPTURED!”

9:45 pm – It’s Max Cleland. I wave my sign. I saw him on Sunday night at Fenway. He was playing third base.

10:00 pm – John Kerry takes the stage. He’s like 6’4″! I see no traces of hamster fur on his lips.

10:02 pm – Kerry says “I am John Kerry and you’re not!” Okay, not really. Instead he says “I am reporting for duty.” He salutes and I can’t stop envisioning Benny Hill. God rest his chubby, perverted soul!

10:06 pm – Kerry promises to “restore trust and credibility to the White House.” How about a little curb appeal too? Maybe some yellow paint and nice blue shutters… and some hydrangeas. Hydrangeas are nice… if you put a rusted nail in the soil around them you can change their color. We could have red ones for when a Republican is in office and blue ones for the Dems.

10:08 pm – Benny Kerry wants an Attorney General that upholds the Constitution. I would like a Surgeon General who actually does operations on C-SPAN.

10:17 pm – John knows what kids go through when they carry an M-16 through a dangerous place… he’s been to South Central LA.

10:29 pm – He just used the word “equivocate.” W. is looking for his Funk and Wagnall’s. Okay. He’s had it out since Kerry said “the.”

10:31 pm – We are closing firehouses here? Why? They never seem to catch on fire. When is the last time you have heard of a firehouse burning down? I think everyone should live in firehouses.

10:42 pm – Shit. he’s talking about economics… that means math. I start zoning… Hey, did I mention I got one of those Kerry Giant Wavy stick things? Yep. I rock. It’s too bad they don’t give out stick things at hockey games. I whacked the Michigan Lady with it and then handed it to Canadian Girl. I said to the Michigan Lady “Look! It was her. She wants the U.P. back!”

10:48 pm – Kerry says something about “drugs” and “Canada.” I ask Canadian Girl if she has any and, by the way, where the hell is her “Canucks for Kerry” placard?

10:52 pm – Kerry promises more jobs. The crowd chants “Help is on the way.” Help must die. I don’t want to go back to work!

10:56 pm – Johnny references Abe Lincoln. Good, No one ever references John Wilkes Booth. Referencing Boooth would be like having a hole in your head.

10:58 pm – He’s done. Balloons are on the way!

Brian.jpg11:00 pm – Balloons are on the way!

11:01 pm – Balloons are on the way!

11:04 pm – Balloons are on the way?

11:06 pm – Balloon! Balloon! Balloon! I see a balloon!

11:08 pm – More balloons and now confetti. I swear they are playing Van Hagar! Good thing I didn’t smoke with Willie.

11:11 pm – I try to catch confetti on my tongue. I succeed. It tastes bad. Canadian Girl says that it’s probably not the edible kind. Man, they have all the good stuff in Canada.

11:15 pm – Michigan Lady says “Goodbye!”” I stick her with the Planned Parenthood button one more time and tell her Michael Moore is fat.

11:20 pm – Time to go. I step over balloons and confetti. Boy oh Boy! Kerry works fast. He promised new jobs and here they are. Some one has to clean up this mess.

* Many thanks to F.O.J. (Friend of John) Traci Anderson for sneaking me in! Thanks to Cole for the confetti pic.

** Brian does this sort of crap daily at www.brianlewandowski.com. You can buy his books there and generally just waste some time.

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About Brian Lewandowski

  • Keith Sikora

    Seriously, I think that may be the most beautiful, accurate, and thoughtful account of any political convention I have ever read.

  • Eric Olsen

    absolutely, thanks Brian, exceptional stuff direct from the heart of darkness

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