Hey kid. You! Standing there was the other kids. Yeah, I know you’re a teen — maybe 16 or 17 –and don’t think you’re a kid, but go with it. You’re wondering who this lame-assed woman is who’s talking to you. The thing is: I know you are, but what am I? That is to say, I’m here to say to you: you’re lame!
Don’t be insulted…I’m trying to save you time. You’re standing here trying to impress your friends, talking loudly to make sure you’re heard, trying to get off a few good jokes to make them laugh. Your friends are lame too.
You had to suspect this, right? Your parents are lame…your friends tell you their parents are lame. (Even the ones that you secretly think are okay.) I know you slept through some of the classes concerning this…but you have heard of genes, right? That’s right — they passed on the lame gene to you.
Your parents, like you, most likely tried to fight it for a while. Yeah, quite possibly they stood with their friends talking loudly and trying to crack a joke that goes over well. They were wearing really stupid clothes at the time…don’t laugh: so are you. (Look at a picture of yourself in 10 years…you’ll see.) One day, they just said, “Fuck it!” and decided to just stop worrying about it. Shortly afterward you decided to worry about it on their behalf.
Or maybe your parents never denied what they were…maybe they sought out other uncloseted lame people. If so, you should be proud that your parents were out there on the front lines of the Lame Rights Movement.
Remember when you were little? Yeah, you know where I’m going with this: you were beyond lame and didn’t know it. You just did whatever was fun, had a good time with it, and didn’t worry. Then you went to school and someone pointed out that your clothes were stupid, and your hair was stupid, and that — quite possibly — you’re stupid, too. Crappy feeling, right? And you’re still trying to prove you’re okay. Give it up!
Because on the day you were taught that you were not good enough, you started to lose your flavor. Sure, before that you had that high pitched scream that hurt everyone’s ears, but the female of your species still does that sometimes anyhow…when her lame parents tell her “no.” The point is you were much more refreshing when every time you saw a dog you did a happy dance and wanted to pet the puppy. You were — ironically — at your coolest when you didn’t know you were lame,
What I’m saying is: it doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to worry that you could be lame — you are! And you don’t have to worry that people will find out you’re lame — they will. Instead you can embrace it now, get it over with, and start discovering what you really like in life.
You may now pretend you have no idea what I’m talking about, and when I walk away you can discuss how lame I am with your friends…maybe I’ll try to explain to you tomorrow how time flies and youth is wasted on the young…otherwise I’ll catch you in 10-15 years, sitting on a park bench, and watching your kids chase puppies. That is, unless they are denying they know your lame ass.