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A Tour Of Springfield, USA

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Welcome to Springfield, USA! The most absurd of all places you will find in TV’s longest running animated show: The Simpson’s, starring Bart, Lisa, Marge and most especially, Homer. A small tour will give you the answer.

From the airport (Springfield Airport), hail Just Take Me Home taxi cab and ask to be driven to Who’s To Know Motel, in front of The Golden Banana Restaurant. Take some rest, then walk a block and rent a car at Used Cars which is behind Cost Mo mall. From there take the street leading to Springfield Mall and make a left on Main Street. Drive past Springfield Googleplex (another mall) and Fortune Megastore (and yet another one), both on your left while cutting through Interstate Route 401 (I-401) better known as the Michael Jackson Expressway (formerly the Dalai Lama Expressway). After the underpass continue on Main St. until you reach Krusty Burger.

Park the car, choose to eat at Krusty or other restos in the area like Palais De Donut, Chinese Smorgasborg, or John Bull’s Fish ‘N Chips. Walk left on Walnut Street to Moe’s Tavern, in front of Springfield Junior High. Drink Springfield’s favorite lager, Duff Beer.

When drunk, hail a taxi then ask the driver to bring you to South Street Squidport. There, there are many restaurants to choose from like Chez Guevarra, Java The Hut, The French Confection (in front of “La Snotteria”). You may also want to try The Legless Frog, which is just a block away from You Thai Now or Bob’s Big Buddha.

For the cheapskate, it’s at the Up, Up And Buffet or at the Frying Dutchman across the street. Take taxi to parked car. By this time the spirit has subsided and the flesh isn’t that weak, so visit the Duff Brewery at East Springfield for a tour and free beer. Walk alley leading to the docks and visit factories on Industrial Row like Play Doh-Factory, Acne Grease & Shovel, Fake Vomit, Inc., Uriah’s Heep, Ajax Steel Mill, Oatmeal Works, Little Lisa Recycling Plant or The Rusty Barnacle.

Park the car on open lot north of the short-lived Burns Casino (now demolished) then spend the night at The Happy Gypsy Boarding House. It has better amenities than competitors Second Best Western and/or Worst Western Hotel on downtown.

The next day, wake up. Drive north and have breakfast at the famous Kentucky Fried Panda before spending whole morning at the Civic Center. Tour Civic Center on foot. This tour won’t be complete without at least an hour at The Old Library. Head west to, well, West Springfield across the river passing the Springfield Bridge. Stop to buy souvenirs at Ye Old Candlemaker Shoppe across from Three Seasons’ Motel. Drive along Interstate 95 (I-95) through the Cater-Nixon Tunnel.

Either go spend whole day northwest part of city at 1) Mt. Splashmore; 2) Catfish Lake; 3) Camp Krusty; 4) Rancho Relaxo; 5) Mount Seldom; 6) Mt. Embolism; 7) Lake Flaccid (yes, Flaccid); 8) Frigid Falls; 9) Littleneck Falls; or, 10) Terror Lake.

You can opt to take a right on Rural Route 9 at Donny’s Discount Gas to Springfield National Forest. Lots of places in this area to visit like the 1) Baldwin-Basinger House near the banks of the river; 2) Rolling Stones Rock & Roll Fantasy Camp; 3) Santa’s Christmas Village; 4) Make-out Creek (a must); 5) Thorn Valley Roses; and finally, 6) Inspiration Point (great view of Springfield Power Plant). (Karl Betita)
Edited: [GH]

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  • Gordon Hauptfleisch

    I always liked the huge Borders-style bookstore (can’t remember the name) with the sign offering “Today’s Special: Michener $1.98/lb.”