This Father’s Day, do your Dad a favor. Don't buy him the novelty “#1 Dad” mug, t-shirt, or hat you found next to the registers at the gas station. Put down the sleeve of generic golf balls and exit the Hallmark store posthaste. That horrid tie in your shopping cart? Leave it. Just walk away.
In previous years you may have given your father a keychain that made fart sounds, and he probably even thanked you for the throwaway gift that's now collecting dust in the back of a drawer. And yes, he did smile when you gave him that Homer Simpson bottle opener that said funny phrases only to break after opening one bottle (a bottle with a twist cap that he only opened to appease you). In fact your Dad is probably so used to getting these things that right now he's preparing his forced smile for when you present him this Sunday with a kitschy piece of novelty crap that has as much thought to it as a fratboy’s Twitter feed.
This year, skip the hokey novelty gifts and get your father something he will appreciate.
Get your Dad a stripper.
(That sound you hear is millions of Dads across the country cheering.)
By “stripper” I'm not referring to a type of power sander equipped with a rotating belt that grinds rust and removes paint; I'm referring to an attractive young woman with a garter belt who grinds hips and removes clothing, usually to the rhythm of a Nickleback song.
And don't scrimp; any Dad worth his salt knows a second-rate stripper when he sees one. He deserves the best after all, so get him the top of the line model with curves in the right places, decent pole skills, and a stage name with no fewer than three i’s in it, all dotted with hearts (stars are also acceptable).
A stripper may be more expensive than that camouflage barbecue apron you were planning on buying, but isn't your dad worth the extra effort? After all, this is the man who paid your college tuition, taught you how to drive, and explained in more detail than you care to remember the nuanced history of the infield fly rule. Also remember the moody, uncooperative teenager you used to be and how he somehow managed to tolerate all of it. If there's any man in your life deserving of a couch dance as a gift, it's your father.
If you're unsure which type of stripper would be best suited for your father, check his magazine subscriptions for hints. If you find National Geographic, Outdoor Life or some other nature-themed periodical, perhaps the exotic native (i.e. Pocahontas) stripper is right for him. If you find Runner's World or Men's Health, perhaps he would prefer a more slender and athletic dancer. If you find AARP, Readers’ Digest, or Crossword Puzzle, definitely go with the sexy nurse. If you find Maxim, FHM, or Playboy, you pretty much have the green light to just ask him.
(If your father doesn't have any magazine subscriptions, check his television viewing habits for clues. Or better yet, his Internet browser history.)
You might feel that a stripper wouldn't be worth the price, but the impact will last much longer than any novelty gift you could present to him this Sunday. Consider the next day at the office, when the guy in the cubicle next to your father is wearing his Dad-themed tie and the boss is drinking coffee from his Dad-themed mug; imagine the joy on your Dad’s face when he walks in still wearing the faded crimson lipstick prints on his forehead that he received from Trixii Teaze in the Champagne Room the previous night. Who do you think will be the most envied Dad in the room? Over the course of the next couple of weeks, while he’s still finding flecks of body glitter on his skin, he'll be reminded of his gift and the thoughtful person who gave it to him.
The look on Dad's face when you tell him you got him a stripper Father's Day will be priceless. The look on your mother's face will be just as memorable, but for different reasons. Best not to focus on that.
Don't worry if you aren't sure if your Dad would like a stripper for Father's Day. He tolerated the talking bass you bought him a few years back, I'm sure he can manage being in the presence of an attractive woman in varying levels of undress. Honestly though, it shouldn't be too difficult to figure out whether or not your Dad wants a stripper this year.
After all, he's probably the person who emailed this to you.