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A New Plan For Iraq

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Okay.

Over the last few days, I became a convert.

I realized that the only time we’re going to see crowds cheering in the streets of Iraq is when they’re hanging a burned American body part on a bridge as sort of an Islamic/Neanderthal Maypole celebration.

So I spent yesterday in my attic digging out and dusting off my old “BRING OUR BOYS HOME” signs from 1968.

“GET OUT OF IRAQ!”

The latest mindless catch-phrase is, “Well, we’re over there and we have to finish the job.” You hear it from everybody, liberals, Dems, Neo-Cons, Repubs, little old ladies, and motard MTV types. I figure if everybody is saying it, it must be wrong. They’re hypnotized.

“We must finish the job!”

Everybody seems to have forgotten: WE NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT WASN’T OUR JOB, so why finish it?

“GET OUT OF IRAQ!”

I mean, what are you people waiting for? Democracy?

We ‘give’ them democracy, who the hell do you think they’re going to “vote” for?

In case you haven’t noticed, they’re voting every day, except instead of a fake count like we had in Florida, they’re using roadside bombs, mass marches, and burned dead Americans.

“GET OUT OF IRAQ!”

Oh, and did I mention: WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Especially when Bush & Co. had everything planned except the days and months and years after “liberation.”

We’ll never win this with 130,000 military. I doubt that we could win it with half a million. Imagine a foreign army occupying California. Jeesus, give ‘em AK-47s and RPGs, and the Crips and Bloods alone could kick the ass of any army in the world!

No, we won’t win in Iraq; not in a year or a decade. It’s a no-win. It’s a fantasy, kinda like giving ‘democracy’ to a country filled with primitive Islamic nutbars.

So at the current rate, eventually Bush Jr. will have to drop a few H-bombs and incinerate Iraq just to save face and show that even testicles are bigger in Texas; it’s only a matter of time.

The end game in Iraq is a nuclear bomb. Trust me. (Hey, you trusted George, why can’t you trust me?)

Do we do it sooner — or later?

(Or better yet, maybe Bush and Cheney should dress up in those little flight-suit costumes and go over there show us how it’s supposed to be done: They can put on cowboy hats and ride the Big One from the bomb-bay of a B-52 all the way onto Main Street in Fallujah. They wanted it so bad, let those criminals die for it. Slim Pickens would have. And George already HAS a cowboy hat!)

REPORTER: “President Bush, now that weapons of mass destruction — your main justification for going to war in Iraq — appear to be non-existent, what possible reason can you have for putting American lives at risk and draining the American treasury?”

PRES. BUSH: “umm… um… I can no longer sit back and allow infiltration, indoctrination, subversion, and an international conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids! Yee-haw!”

============

Okay, maybe ‘nook-yul-er’ weapons are a bit of an overreaction on my part.

LET’S JUST GET OUT OF IRAQ.

Why the hell do we have to ‘finish the job’?

We do what American CEOs do when their companies start sliding toward an economic implosion: We simply resign. Leave it for somebody else to clean up. Let ‘em dangle… or eat cake. Isn’t that sort of the entire political and philosophical attitude of the Bush Administration anyway?

Fuck the ‘employees.’ Fuck the ‘stockholders.’

Fuck everybody; let’s go home. I resign.

And it’s real simple: Here’s how you do it;

You say:


“This wasn’t what I expected.”

“I don’t see that this position has any real opportunities for me in the future.”

“I want to spend more time with my family.”

“I no longer share a common vision with the Board of Directors.”

“I feel this is best for me and the organization at this time.”

“I have health issues I need to address.”

See how easy that is?

But people say, “SHARK! We can’t do that! We can’t JUST LEAVE IRAQ to the insurgents, the terrorists, and the civil wars!”

“Why?” I ask.

“Because… we just… can’t.”

“Then,” I say, “let’s quit screwing around and just bomb them off the map and get it over with.”

“No,” they say, “That does tend to make it easier to win, but we are trying to take the high road and not ‘bomb them into dust’, ‘hearts and minds’ and all that — this is why we are experiencing a higher mortality rate. You liberal wimps must be patient.”

“Gee,” I say, “kinda sounds like politics is restraining an all-out military victory. Hmm, when was the last time we heard that? mmm… lemme think… Oh yeah, VIETNAM!”

“SO, SHARK, WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST? Just we should nuke the fuckers? Or daisy-cutter major Sunni cities into rubble? Or MOAB Baghdad? Look, I know you don’t think we should have been there in the first place. That’s a reasonable opinion. But we ARE there. So what do we do now, SHARK?”

“Nuke ‘em all?

Bomb civilians without any remorse?

Do what we’re doing now, avoiding civilian casualities while going after extremists?

Run away like a French school-boy and scream “We’re sorry! We’re sorry!”??

Which is it? Or do you have another option?”

And I answer: “OF COURSE I’VE GOT AN OPTION!”

== Shark’s Solution to Iraq ==


phase 1: EXIT IMMEDIATELY.
phase 2: Line the entire Iraqi border with land mines, barbed wire, and a gigantic wall (built by Halliburton, of course).
phase 3: Step back and watch.
phase 4: Videotape the results from various vantage points along the wall: sell it on late night cable as “Iraqis Gone Wild”. Give profits to families of the 9/11 dead and casualties from Bush’s Blunder.

(By the way: I’ll be announcing my candidacy for President of the United States for the 2004 election by the end of this week. Email credit card numbers to: electshark@not_really.net)

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About Mark Shark

  • HW Saxton Jr.

    Shark,You’re the Michael O’Donohue of the 21st Century. “Iraqi’s Gone Wild”…
    LOF’inL.!!!

  • Shark

    Saxton, Thanks, man, but WILL YOU VOTE FOR ME?

    (Actually, I don’t even care if you vote for me — as long as you send money.)

    Thanks in advance,
    Shark
    (Proud *owner of a Silver Star from Vietnam)

    *ebay

  • HW Saxton Jr.

    Shark, I’ll check the ashtray in my car
    and see what I can scrounge up. Maybe at
    least enough for a 6-pak of “Pearl”.
    No guarantees but,you’ve definitely got
    the vote.

    PS: You really saw The Moving Sidewalks?

  • Shark

    IRAQ: 1000 DEAD AMERICANS

    Happy Anniversary, President Bush — you lying lowlife motherfucker.

  • Bennett

    Whereas THIS post garnered damn little reaction from the Military Republocrats.

    It’s hard to shoot down, is what.

    Great one.

    More please.

  • http://www.elitistpig.com Dave Nalle

    That might be because this post is idiotic and sensible people make a practice of ignoring Shark.

    Dave

  • MCH

    A rather childish, shallow snipe for a man of your vast superiority and limitless intellect, Nalle

  • Bennett

    Heh. Love you too Dave.

  • Shark

    DaveNulle: “…sensible people make a practice of ignoring Shark.”

    …Which you’re apparently unable to do.

    So Dave, how ’bout you meet me at the next Mensa meeting and come take one in the yarballs — that is if ya got any yarballs.

    I’ll even let ya bring a Roget’s just to even things out.

  • Shark

    Shark’s TOP 10 lines from HIS OWN POST (just fer Davey!)

    1) “We do what American CEOs do when their companies start sliding toward an economic implosion: We simply resign.”

    2) “Imagine a foreign army occupying California. Jeesus, give ‘em AK-47s and RPGs, and the Crips and Bloods alone could kick the ass of any army in the world!”

    3) “I realized that the only time we’re going to see crowds cheering in the streets of Iraq is when they’re hanging a burned American body part on a bridge as sort of an Islamic/Neanderthal Maypole celebration.”

    4) “I mean, what are you people waiting for? Democracy?”

    (hehe!)

    5) “…Bush Jr. will have to drop a few H-bombs and incinerate Iraq just to save face and show that even testicles are bigger in Texas…”

    6) “…sounds like politics is restraining an all-out military victory. Hmm, when was the last time we heard that? mmm… lemme think… Oh yeah, VIETNAM!”

    7) “Videotape the results from various vantage points along the wall: sell it on late night cable as “Iraqis Gone Wild”.”

    8) “…I figure if everybody is saying it, it must be wrong.”

    9) “I don’t see that this position has any real opportunities for me in the future.”

    10) “Slim Pickens would have.”

  • SHARK

    For those of you who missed it, I wrote this OVER TWO YEARS AGO.

    It’s not only still true, but things have gotten much worse.

    I happened to notice TODAY that one of my earliest predictions about Iraq [Hi, Nalle!] came true today: The head of Iran KISSED the head of Iraq! We went to war to install a “democracy” which voted for a Shiite THEOCRACY that is closely aligned [See “Siamese Twins”] with Iran, that axis of Evil nation which is about to get a ‘nook-yul-er’ weapon.

    Mind if I say…

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