A Philadelphia-area man had two parts of his genitalia torn off by his crazed, soon-to-be ex-wife. Torn off, I say. As in she tore off his balls with her bare hands. Zowie.
Actually, I’m assuming the two torn-off parts are his nads, as the local ABC-Philly affiliate news account is kind of murky.
The 52-year-old (area) man, who we are identifying only by his first name of Howard, arrived home late Wednesday, hours after his wife allegedly tore off two parts of his genitalia with her bare hands. Surgeons at Einstein successfully managed to repair the damage.
I add that this news account includes the phrase, “assault on his private parts.” I guess there’s no other way to say this, but it sounds so absurd. I suppose the constraints of working for a serious news organization can be a hindrance when you come across this kind of story. So while something else may have been torn off, and since this account uses the number “two,” I’m going to be thinking in pairs. I mean the other thing may be easier to grab, but to pull off?
Not to be critical of the way this item was written, but if I were the editor for this story, I would have insisted this passage start off with, “Hours after his wife allegedly tore off two parts of his genitalia with her bare hands…” That line really grabs the reader and sort of sets up the rest of the story. Wouldn’t you agree? Anyway…
Thanks to a johnny-on-the-spot paramedic crew, Howard and his un-bagged parts were delivered to the hospital emergency room post haste, where some no-doubt giggling but responsible emergency room trauma surgeons were able perform the delicate re-sack job.
Poor Howard — already home from the hospital — explained that his wife is bi-polar and had erroneously concocted a scenario in which she thought Howard was cheating on her. So like any self-respecting wronged woman would do, she attacked Howard’s twig and berries while he was visiting Mr. Sandman.
I could never do justice to this story, so we’ll let Howard be our guide and draw us the word picture that will send the most immature of us into shoulder-shaking silliness:
I mean she just grabbed me all down there and yanking and yanking and tearing me up with those fingernails.
Fingernails? Is she Wolverine from the X-Men or Freddy Kreuger? Oy vey.
Howard was on the receiving end of much sympathy from his neighbors, and rightly so. Apparently Howard and “she-who-wishes-he-was-ball-less” have had problems before and Howard has sacked her in the past, only to reattach. Perhaps this time Howard will learn his lesson now that his gone nads are gonads again.
The authorities are considering what to do with Madame Guillotine pending a psychiatric examination. Meanwhile, Howard has assured his neighbors that she’s not coming back. When asked by a neighbor if he was going to let his wife back in, Howard said, “Oh no, no, no. She’s in jail where she belongs.”
And thankfully for Howard, so are his balls.