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A Man Has His Testicles Torn Off By His Wife – Seriously

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A Philadelphia-area man had two parts of his genitalia torn off by his crazed, soon-to-be ex-wife. Torn off, I say. As in she tore off his balls with her bare hands. Zowie.

Actually, I’m assuming the two torn-off parts are his nads, as the local ABC-Philly affiliate news account is kind of murky.

The 52-year-old (area) man, who we are identifying only by his first name of Howard, arrived home late Wednesday, hours after his wife allegedly tore off two parts of his genitalia with her bare hands. Surgeons at Einstein successfully managed to repair the damage.

I add that this news account includes the phrase, “assault on his private parts.” I guess there’s no other way to say this, but it sounds so absurd. I suppose the constraints of working for a serious news organization can be a hindrance when you come across this kind of story. So while something else may have been torn off, and since this account uses the number “two,” I’m going to be thinking in pairs. I mean the other thing may be easier to grab, but to pull off?

Not to be critical of the way this item was written, but if I were the editor for this story, I would have insisted this passage start off with, “Hours after his wife allegedly tore off two parts of his genitalia with her bare hands…” That line really grabs the reader and sort of sets up the rest of the story. Wouldn’t you agree? Anyway…

Thanks to a johnny-on-the-spot paramedic crew, Howard and his un-bagged parts were delivered to the hospital emergency room post haste, where some no-doubt giggling but responsible emergency room trauma surgeons were able perform the delicate re-sack job.

Poor Howard — already home from the hospital — explained that his wife is bi-polar and had erroneously concocted a scenario in which she thought Howard was cheating on her. So like any self-respecting wronged woman would do, she attacked Howard’s twig and berries while he was visiting Mr. Sandman.

I could never do justice to this story, so we’ll let Howard be our guide and draw us the word picture that will send the most immature of us into shoulder-shaking silliness:

I mean she just grabbed me all down there and yanking and yanking and tearing me up with those fingernails.

Fingernails? Is she Wolverine from the X-Men or Freddy Kreuger? Oy vey.

Howard was on the receiving end of much sympathy from his neighbors, and rightly so. Apparently Howard and “she-who-wishes-he-was-ball-less” have had problems before and Howard has sacked her in the past, only to reattach. Perhaps this time Howard will learn his lesson now that his gone nads are gonads again.

The authorities are considering what to do with Madame Guillotine pending a psychiatric examination. Meanwhile, Howard has assured his neighbors that she’s not coming back. When asked by a neighbor if he was going to let his wife back in, Howard said, “Oh no, no, no. She’s in jail where she belongs.”

And thankfully for Howard, so are his balls.

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About Sal Marinello

  • http://www.chantalstone.blogspot.com chantal stone

    ::::speechless::::

    what is this world coming to?

  • http://alienboysworld.blogspot.com Christopher Rose

    I’d say she’s for the chop!

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Was the operation performed by the renowned Dr. Vas Deferens?

  • http://gratefuldread.net NR Davis

    LOL!

    “Now, you might feel a little discomfort…”

    Humor aside, I wouldn’t wish something like that on my worst enemy, if I had one. OUCH. I hope that woman gets some help – and this poor guy gets some distance from her.

  • Dawn

    For the love of G*d why did he let that woman near his man-parts.

  • http://midnightcafe.wordpress.com/ Mat Brewster

    Best Amazon Links Ever

    Seriously, you had me at Tickle his Pickle, but Puppetry of the Penis brings this to an all new level.

  • http://dumpsterbust.blogspot.com/ Eric Berlin

    “Tickle My Pickle” is classic, Sal, great job! As for she-who… not such a great job, I’m afraid.

  • sal m

    i was hoping to find a pair of john and lorena bobbitt dolls, but amazon didn’t have them.

  • sr

    Sal, This was just another pit bull attack.

  • sr

    Whats with that add. Tickle his Pickle. For sure it’s not a Claussen Kosher Dill.

  • Richard

    Talk about a society hung up on violence to the male genitals. Every
    movie and other media in this country we have to see at least one kick in the balls or like The latest Fantastic Four, movie “I hope Sue doesn’t give you an invisible kick to the groin!” Then there was that funniest home movie voted best where two young baseball boys kick each other in the groin while wearing cups. That is as funny as breast removal!HaHa HeHe HaHa!

    Shame in this society revisiting the 400’s AD(or CE, if you are a hard core history scientest where God need not be around)— The Fall of the Western Roman Empire. Greeks quit turning on each other! Tskhog