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A Letter to My Favorite Hollywood Party Girls

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Dear Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and Lindsay Lohan,

First, I just want to salute you. I want to say cheers for being the best darn celebrities you can possibly be. You have so much stress and pressure on you to look your best, attend the best parties, and make the best movies and CDs. Now, there are a lot of girls out there who look up to you so you can’t disappoint them. You have to make sure to take extra precautions when the cameras are (or are not) snapping. Here are some tips that I suggest to make your legends even greater.

Make sure to do an extra line of yayo to keep going throughout the night. I mean, you have to wake up from all the ‘dro you smoked earlier in the evening.

When you’ve just had too many pieces of sushi (all four of them) and are feeling bloated, nothing says relief like a spoon down the throat to make it all go away. You’ll be hungry again in no time!

Drive your SUV the wrong way into oncoming traffic. That will really throw all those defensive drivers for a loop. Those road signs are really just suggestions.

Make a great sex video to show everyone what you can do (and what can be done to you) and pretend as if you didn’t mean to release it online.

Go to rehab multiple times and say you have changed for the better but make sure you hit the biggest party the next night and get smashed. I mean, rehab is for quitters, right?

Smile pretty when you go before the judge for your last arrest. I mean, two of you have been in front of a camera before. Break out your Oscar-winning performances and let your director (ahem, lawyer) tell you what your inspiration is (avoiding a long jail sentence). Oh wait, sorry, Paris. You did three weeks. You’re down for whatever.

I think I’ve covered some of the basics but now, ladies, it’s all up to you. Go out and get crunk for all of us normal folks. We will live vicariously through your existence while we go and work our 9-to-5s and drink our cheap beer and wear our cheap clothes from Wal-Mart. The life you live is a hard one. I’m just a fan who wants you to know that I am here for you if you want to talk.



P.S. Tell Brit Brit I'll call her later.

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