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A Decoration of Love

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Flower Mound, Texas is a town of about 60,000 people and if you’re one of the lucky teenagers living in it, your weekends consist of one (if not more) of several things: hanging out with friends and looking for something to do, getting drunk, driving to other towns that offer more exciting choices, or figuring out the many ways to add your own personal touch to someone’s car.

My best friend Alyssa and I were experts in the field of car vandalism. But we like to think of it more as “decorating” than vandalism, because there was never actual malice involved. It was always out of pure love and artistic expression.

Our life in the world of car vandalism started with the basic stuff: shoe polish on windows and Saran Wrap around the length of the car. It didn’t take us long to figure out that those were for amateurs. If we wanted to send someone a message by means of their car then we had amp up our skills.

We took baby steps. First, we figured out that when Saran Wrapping, we could cause double the damage by going not only around the length of the car but over and under it as well. This one small change has great effects. The victim has to unravel Saran Wrap upon Saran Wrap while trying to figure out where it starts and ends.

Alyssa and I chose Evan’s car to try this technique out. He had just broken up with Alyssa’s friend Sara, so in the name of sisterhood Alyssa and I just had to do something. We began that night like every night of car vandalism by stopping at our friendly neighborhood Kroger. This grocery store always had what we needed.

“So how much Saran Wrap are we getting?” I asked.

“A lot,” Alyssa said as we scanned the aisles. “Remember, we need to put it around Evan’s car, but also over and under. I’m thinking about five things of Saran Wrap…?”

“Hmm. How long had Evan and Sara been going out?” I asked.

“Over a year.”

“Let’s get seven rolls then.”

“Right.”

We grabbed the seven rolls of Saran Wrap, went through the self check-out in order to avoid suspicious glances from the bored Kroger employees, and got in my car. It was early still, only around 9 PM, and I voiced my concerns to Alyssa.

“I’m just saying. It’s only 9 PM. People are still going to be out and about. We don’t want to get caught.”

“We won’t. We never get caught. Just park your car a little ways down the street from Evan’s and we’ll run if anything happens,” Alyssa said.

“Yeah, because running isn’t obvious.” Alyssa rolled her eyes as I said this, but I didn’t care. We had never tried out the double wrapping before, so we weren’t going to be quick and clean like we usually were. And at 9 PM, families would just be getting back from dinner, and the only people more anal than parents in Flower Mound are the police. We went ahead with the plan anyway.

I parked down the street and we crept to Evan’s SUV, Saran Wrap in hand. It didn’t take us long to get a system going, and after about five minutes Evan’s SUV was well on its way to being completely engulfed in plastic. We only had to duck behind his SUV once when a neighbor drove by, and we thought we were in the clear until we saw another pair of headlights coming down the street.

“CRAP. THAT’S HIS DAD’S CAR,” Alyssa whispered in a scared tone. We were still hovered behind Evan’s SUV on the driver’s side, which faced the garage door, so needless to say we couldn’t have looked guiltier. I immediately racked my brain for any ideas on how to get out of this. His dad, mom, and younger sister got out of the car.

“Hi girls,” his mom said tentatively.

“Uhh, hi Mrs. McKnight,” Alyssa replied. I just nodded and smiled.

“What are you girls doing?”

“Oh well, ya know…” Alyssa trailed off and when she looked at me with a desperate stare I acted quickly.

“Well, Evan keeps ditching us when we want to hang out and we thought this would be a funny way to get his attention,” I said.

“Right. It’s not damaging his car, I promise. It comes off easy,” Alyssa said.

“Oh, well OK,” his mom said. “You girls have fun.”

I’m not sure what Evan’s mom was smoking that night, because after that she went inside, oblivious to the fact that it would take a long time for Evan to even get to the door handles. We even scored some Cherry 7UP from her as she watched us joyfully finish up our Saran Wrap masterpiece. Needless to say, it was a success. And not only was Evan extremely pissed, but he had no idea it had been Alyssa and me. His mom had disposed of our evidence (the empty rolls of Saran wWap and cups of soda) and didn’t say a word. Not even his mom was on his side, talk about success.

Our next slew of victims included a mix of ex-boyfriends, friends, and guys we swore we didn’t like but everyone knew we did. Their cars received shoe polish covering every inch of the windows, the double dose of Saran Wrap, and forks in their yard all at the same time. One night, Alyssa and I were more bored than usual and though we had no bitter feelings toward any guy at that time, we felt like wreaking more car-decorating havoc.

My creative juices were on their A-game that night, for I came up with the brilliant idea of using “sexual advice” clips from a Cosmo magazine and attaching them to the cars somehow. Now I know what you’re thinking and no, I wasn’t taping these sexual suggestions to a guy’s car because I wanted to tell him what position was best. I was merely being an immature teenager, stuck in a town where they actually have a mound with a fence around it with “flowers” on top. So we took a roll of scotch tape, some scissors, the Cosmo magazine, and more shoe polish, and set off.

We had six clips from Cosmo to choose from, each describing a different sexual position with a picture to go along with it. We decided which clip to use on which car by choosing a position that seemed to fit the guy best…or worst. Then we taped the article to a window or windshield, finishing up the act with shoe-polished words of wisdom. This act of car vandalism went over really well, as we got several angry phone calls, but Alyssa and I couldn’t help but giggle at our mastery of this art. Our greatest act, however, was yet to come.

Alyssa and I had become quite the team over the years, known for the artwork we so graciously left on the cars of those who had wronged us. One night we were taking a break from the vandalizing by baking cookies and watching Zoolander with our friend Megan when there was a knock on Alyssa’s door. We all got up to answer it, but Alyssa opened the door. There was a chaotic rush of movements and yelling, and the next thing I knew, Alyssa was picked up, slung over the shoulder of her ex-boyfriend David, and carried away among the laughs of his friends.

Megan and I just watched, but the boys didn’t get too far. David ended up dropping Alyssa on the ground and then he tripped over her and fell on top of her. After this awkward exchange, there was silence until David’s best friend Brad said, “Well. Now that David’s sexually harassed Alyssa, I guess we can leave.” And as quick as they came they were gone.

“WHAT THE HELL?” Alyssa said. Megan and I were laughing hysterically. “Why didn’t you guys do anything? Who knows where they could have taken me!”

“Oh yeah, cause David and Brad are at the top of the Flower Mound Sex Offender List. Please,” I said. She was being quite ridiculous. “They weren’t going to take you anywhere, and if they were…we would have stepped in.” Megan nodded during spurts of laughter.

After a few minutes, Alyssa got a very determined look on her face. Instantly, I knew what she was thinking: retaliation. We armed ourselves with frying pans and a wooden roller (just in case the guys returned), and grabbed some more shoe polish and a roll of toilet paper. This wasn’t going to be our best work, but it would do. We headed over to David’s house with Alyssa’s radio singing our battle cry. Kelly Clarkson had never sounded so good.

When Alyssa turned onto David’s street, she slowed and I scanned the street for any suspicious cars. We were clear. Alyssa drove around the corner, parked her car, and we all got out. Quickly and quietly, we adorned David’s car in our usual manner. Everything was going well until I heard Alyssa gasp.

“Oh my god! He’s coming down the stairs! GO!” she said.

We sprinted to her car, scrambled inside, and sped off. But that didn’t matter: we had been caught, and this time it wasn’t by parents but by the guy we were seeking revenge on. We knew that by the end of the night all of David’s friends would know what we had done. We were in a war.

“We need a plan of action. Right now,” I said.

During the course of the next week, we became the talk of the school. David used his in as a football player to spread the news and their “plan.” I had guys in my Physics class telling me to watch my house over the weekend. Brad was also warning me. I even considered putting my car in the garage. I guess when you mess with a guy’s truck, you’re really asking for it.

In the meantime, Alyssa and I had been cooking up our own plan. We had enlisted the help of Megan again, as well as Taryn, both faithful, supportive companions in our quest to bring down the boys of our high school. We weren’t sure what David, Brad, and the rest of their clan had planned, but we wanted to be sure that no matter what we topped them. Alyssa and I spent the week on the internet researching, but also asked around to get some ideas for what to do.

“OK, so someone told me about using gummy bears on the windows,” Alyssa said. It was finally Friday and she and I were finalizing our plans.

“And don’t forget about the Oreos,” I said.

“Right, and then I was also thinking about using glitter.”

“Glitter? Why glitter?”

“Sarah, just think about it…glitter gets everywhere.” I smiled. This was going to be perfect. We headed to Kroger to stock up.

The next day we were ready. We had two cars, a bag of gummy bears, a package of Oreos, several containers of glitter, shoe polish, and “surrendering terms.” The gummy bears and Oreos were for the windows of the car. When you lick them and place them on glass, they are not only difficult to get off but leave a grease mark as well. The glitter was to sprinkle between the cracks of the door, so that when he opens it, the driver is showered in sparkly, colorful fun. In addition, the glitter was going to be placed near the windshield wipers so that when they were turned on, glitter would spray everywhere. The shoe polish and surrendering terms were just for kicks.

First, we went to David’s house. We taped the surrendering terms to his truck, stuck a few gummy bears on his window and in the ridges of the bed of his truck, and added some friendly shoe-polished words. Next, we headed off to Brad’s house. This was our surprise attack, the big bang. Brad didn’t know that Megan had actually found his house on Google Maps, so we were going out in full force.

Megan and Taryn put every Oreo and gummy bear we had on all the windows and the windshield, and shoved more into the bed of Brad’s truck. Alyssa transformed into the glitter fairy, while I covered any remaining window space with the white shoe polish. He would be cleaning his truck for weeks.

We left Brad’s truck a royal mess, speckled with glitter and gummy bears that shone in the moonlight. The next day, David and Brad met Alyssa and me in an Albertson’s parking lot. They surrendered, reluctantly shook our hands, and Brad cussed me out, claiming that he had to wash his car for the first time since he had gotten it.

I knew he was angry, but that didn’t keep us from dating a few months later. I was the only girl who fought back, and he loved me for it. As for Alyssa and David, they got back together for a short period of time, and though they aren’t together currently, there’s still a big enough flame there that she and I always have shoe polish ready.

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About sarahgray

  • http://www.futonreport.net/ Matthew T. Sussman

    Has MySpace finally become overcrowded with banal, cookie-cutter stories of small town shenanigans? Is that why this article is here?

  • Sarah Gray

    I don’t use MySpace, but thank you for your thoughts.

  • http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/39420/joanne_huspek.html Joanne Huspek

    You two are dangerous. The sheer creativity displayed is frightening (i.e. I wish I’d have thought about it when I was your age.) I hope you don’t have hopes of running for President. With Alyssa as Secretary of State, you’d be a force to contend with.

    (P.S. Matthew, you didn’t see any humor in this?)