After being held hostage by Lithuanian terrorists from the start of the Masters until 1:30, I was released by the FBI, so I’ll have to cover from here.
Yikes, Phil Mickelson cruises to a 40 on the front nine. Hell, I could match that — if I could use the red tees. So far, on Golf Channel, it’s a lot of talking heads. When are they going to learn that we want to see golf, not listen to self-congratulatory announcers?
1:40: Tim Clark already finished at one-under 71. Zach Johnson, Henrik Stenson, Rich Beem, Justin Rose all at under 2, all on back 9. More commercials (I thought the Masters controlled that. Oh well.) and commentary than golf. Gadfry Daniels, this is worse than watching movies on network or cable which are nothing more than moments to let them getting the next commercial ready.
Ernie Els at +4 after 9: A 44! Els is struggling with all aspects of his game.
Commentators saying course is almost unplayable given wind and course layout. Tough hole locations. What do the commentators know…they're not playing.
Fred Couples, playing somewhat injured, at 1 over.
1:48: Third commercial break! You pay for Golf Channel and then they commercial you to death. Tiger’s up in five minutes. Maybe then they’ll show us golf. Haven’t seen one player hit a ball yet… except flashbacks. BORING, Golf Channel. Commercials are now almost 3 minutes long.
Oops, they’re not allowed to show the golf. USA starts real coverage beginning at 4 p.m. so this is all blather except for showing some scores.
1:51: Woods, Casey, and Baddley tee off. Tiger slammed his shot 250 years into a spectator and took her head off. It was ruled a man-made obstruction, so he got a free drop.
Justin Rose drops to 1 under.
2 p.m: It’s just Beem and Rose at 2 under.
This is boring with commercials every two minutes. But I feel a responsibility to report on this until I get bored or drunk, whichever comes first.
Tim Clark knocks in a 40 foot putt at 18 that had to travel 60 yards to get there and finished with a 71. But they don’t show it… sigh. His partner has a drop because he’s on a sprinkler head. He drops it… it rolls down the hill… into the cup! Rats, they can’t show anything. Oh well, we’ll see it later, unless they’re lying.
Scott Verplank at 73, 1 over after 18. Talks about fastest greens ever. Needs some water — greens, not Verplank. Ernie Els throws up into the hole at 8, slowing play until they can find anyone who’ll clean it up.
Mickelson punched out a fan who said he wasn’t going to win another tournament until he lost some weight and stopped looking like the Michelin Man. Since it was after he finished, he didn’t have to take a penalty stroke.
1:15: Vijay Singh took a quick swing with his driver on 6 and didn’t know his caddie was standing right behind him. Caddie down holding his crotch. Officials rule it a man-made obstacle and let VJ swing again.
More later… I hope.
But I find solace in the Cosmic Truth:
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