NEWS

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton Have Holes In Their Wardrobes

Written by Dawn Olsen
Published September 14, 2006

Lindsay Lohan's vagina is all the rage these days. First it got its very own name, "Firecrotch," as dubbed by the "Greasy Bear" oil heir Brandon Davis during a now infamous rant in the company of a tittering Paris Hilton.

As if the public hadn't had enough of "Firecrotch" in both name and spirit, Lindsay has now twice in as many weeks revealed not a "fire-crotch" but rather a shaved and saggy hooch to the press, her adoring fans, frightened fauna, and future generations who will sadly ponder what the hell was wrong with their ancestors.

FPhotobucket - Video and Image Hostingirst, numerous sites popped up with photos of Lindsay stepping out of a boat in Venice to promote her new movie Bobby, which clearly show Lindsay loaded for bare.

The Lilo bald eagle was bad enough, but then her agents were exposed attempting a photo-doctoring cover-up, which generated as much outrage as the initial peek at her naughty bits.

Subsequent photos with poorly photoshopped undies in place helped create enough air of confusion as to question which was real and which was fake. Celeb gossip site, The Superficial did some digging and determined that the original from the photo agency with Lohan's high-and-tight exposed was the real deal.

For you pervs, here's a close up of the nation's treasure.Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Fast forward a week and a new locale, this time London, and Lindsay is again spotted completely unaware of the draftiness about her nether regions. The photo at right has been sanitized for your protection. The real deal is a staggeringly stark close up shot of her Brazilian, and the detail is spectacular and undeniably Lohan (not for the weak of constitution).

Holy Missing Undergarments, Batman!

Showing the naked knuckerhole is not a new trend. Cutting-edger Paris Hilton did it long before she was just Paris. Exposing one's va-jay-jay (as all the kids call it) must be the new haute couture, but only if you are a desperate, attention-seeking, sloppy hosepot.

For Paris' va-jay-jay, gander hither, but I suggest some kind of protective eyewear.

What, the confluence of dress or skirt, unadorned womb spout, photographers, and motor vehicles never strikes these people as potentially, um, perilous?

Chances are pretty good that you won't find celebrities like Nicole Kidman, Meryl Streep, or even Katie Holmes going commando in public. Decent people are taught to not only wear undergarments, but to keep them clean even.

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Dawn Olsen is a veteran blogger who proudly supports the guy who publishes this awesome site. She's also an avid reader of high quality tabloid fare, enjoys gardening and scatological skywriting.
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Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton Have Holes In Their Wardrobes
Published: September 14, 2006
Type: News
Section: Culture
Filed Under: Culture: Celebrity, Video: News
Writer: Dawn Olsen
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Comments

#1 — September 14, 2006 @ 23:30PM — Michele

They must have holes elsewhere too.

They are so gross!

#2 — September 15, 2006 @ 06:28AM — Eric Olsen

I see readers are stunned into silence by the ickyness of it all - not all news is pretty

#3 — September 15, 2006 @ 06:49AM — Mark Saleski

i woulda never thought that i'd be repulsed by a woman going commando. dang.

#4 — September 15, 2006 @ 06:53AM — Eric Olsen

that extreme shaving thing is most unappealing, like a recovering surgery patient or something

#5 — September 15, 2006 @ 07:21AM — Dawn

For being such young women, their vjj's are looking a bit haggard. I would hate to see those pups after a couple of vaginal deliveries - of children that is.

I am sorry I even had to bring all this to the attention of our lovely BC readers, but dammit - someone has to do the dirty work.

#6 — September 15, 2006 @ 09:59AM — Steve C. [URL]

I'll bet someone could put together a PowerPoint presentation featuring those two Hay Nanny Nannies. It'd work along the lines of those WWII VD videos -- shock the kids into good behavior. "Now girls, this is what you'll look like if you give it up to everyone with a penis and a handful of peanuts!"

Imagine what horrors their nethers will hold in another twenty years. Yecch. Can you say "prolapsed"?

#7 — September 15, 2006 @ 10:19AM — DJRadiohead [URL]

Sweet Matilda's hymen- oh, wait... I can see how that would be a poor turn of phrase in light of...

This is your vjj on drugs...

#8 — September 15, 2006 @ 10:25AM — Eric Berlin [URL]

You had me at "Lindsay Lohan's vagina is all the rage these days," Dawn!

PS - Who came up with "vjj" ?

#9 — September 15, 2006 @ 10:32AM — Mark Saleski

i really hope something like this doesn't happen with scarlett johansson....because, like, i'd hate to see the damage it would do to pwinn.

#10 — September 15, 2006 @ 10:44AM — Eric Olsen

God made pubic hair and underwear for a reason

#11 — September 15, 2006 @ 10:56AM — Mark Saleski

to protect pwinn?

#12 — September 15, 2006 @ 11:24AM — DJRadiohead [URL]

I am sure that was His reason, Sir Saleski.

#13 — September 15, 2006 @ 13:06PM — Eric Olsen

I'm not sure how I feel about the glamorized version of Scarlett - in some ways I prefer the frumpy version

#14 — September 15, 2006 @ 17:23PM — Dawn

Who came up with vjj? That's like asking who invented the internets - I mean who can really say who invented the internet?

Okay, I borrowed it, but I get credit for recognizing it's relevance right?

#15 — September 15, 2006 @ 18:00PM — Eric Olsen

you're an assimilator, Dawn

#16 — September 15, 2006 @ 18:25PM — Jet in Columbus [URL]

Dawn's a Borg?... Resistance is futile?

#17 — September 15, 2006 @ 19:25PM — DJRadiohead [URL]

That second Lindsay photo should have the caption, "Turn and cough" or something.

#18 — September 16, 2006 @ 05:58AM — Joan Hunt [URL]

va-jay-jay was, I believe, most recently used on Grey's Anatomy by the Nazi. It was actually quite funny coming from her mouth.

What's not funny is this current bunch of young women running around flashing their goods like they have to prove they have, um, them. I don't get it. I think it's the "I wanna be an adult film star" craze, but who knows?

#19 — September 16, 2006 @ 07:26AM — STM

This is the best story on here all week.

An absolute fuc.ing classic.

#20 — September 16, 2006 @ 10:23AM — Dawn

I think you might be on to something Joan. There's always the doubt that they don't have
V-unit - and then what purpose would either of them have for existing?

Those two give vaginas a bad name.

#21 — September 16, 2006 @ 15:41PM — Victor Lana [URL]

Dawn, it's obvious these two nut-jobs have holes in their heads as well as their, uhm, wardrobe.

#22 — September 16, 2006 @ 23:24PM — bree

Okay, hang on a sec. What's up with calling the aforementioned va-jay-jays "saggy" or "haggard" or, ecch, "prolapsed"?
Lovely labia come in all shapes and sizes - innies and outies, if you will. It has nothing to do with activity level - you're just born that way.
Please, can we not give the girls of America one more thing to be horribly insecure about?

But the shaving? Is so unnatural and wrong. And uglifying.

#23 — September 17, 2006 @ 19:34PM — Mohjho

HAHAHAHHAAHAHA..."vjj"...heheheehhe...oh my..

#24 — September 18, 2006 @ 03:28AM — STM

What's wrong with calling the aforementioned va-jay-jays vaginas, the same as my 11-year-old does?

Immediately followed by incessant tittering.

#25 — September 18, 2006 @ 03:50AM — kensaku

I totally understand all points made by the author, but she presumes acceptance of "standards" which are completely arbitrary. Too many hot summer days have I wished I could walk around naked. It makes sense. Maybe some sandals to protect my feet, clothes if I'm operating machinery or something, but really, and I mean completely and absolutely, being naked (or partly) is only bad because you say it is.

#26 — September 18, 2006 @ 04:04AM — STM

Kensaku said: "I totally understand all points made by the author, but she presumes acceptance of "standards" which are completely arbitrary. Too many hot summer days have I wished I could walk around naked. It makes sense. Maybe some sandals to protect my feet, clothes if I'm operating machinery or something, but really, and I mean completely and absolutely, being naked (or partly) is only bad because you say it is."

Move to Australia, where various states of undress are the norm, rather than the exception - Sydney even has beaches around the harbour where it's perfectly acceptable and legal to wear nothing but a birthday suit. At the main beaches, women can sunbathe and swim topless without being arrested. The downside of that is that boys aged 14-19 are constantly asking them the time.

Beware, however, when discussing the wearing of thongs. In Australia, a thong is a piece of essential footwear made from two bits of rubber, worn everywhere in summer, including the office on weekends, the pub and look fantastic when accessorised with a ute (pick-up truck), T-shirt and a pair of footy shorts.

Not to be confused with the G-string.

We are one people separated by the barrier of a common language.

And the true meaning and function of the thong.

Also, if you're rooting for a football team in Australia you are in big trouble.

You work it out




#27 — September 18, 2006 @ 10:03AM — Roberta [URL]

These pictures made me throw up in my mouth a little. Funny article, though.

#28 — September 18, 2006 @ 10:36AM — Christopher Rose [URL]

Vjj? Is that plural or would it be vjji? Classicly funny stuff, Dawn.

#29 — September 25, 2006 @ 12:12PM — Bill [URL]

Please..let's get the anatomical nomenclature right! I female cannot expose her vagina because it's internal like the cervix and uterus. What we're seeing from Lindsay and Paris are shaved mons pubis and labia majora. Sadly, what we are not seeing is any hint of adult behavior.

#30 — October 4, 2006 @ 14:31PM — Jon Sobel [URL]

If all writing about celebs was this entertaining, I might read some once in a while. It sure beats the pants off newspaper gossip pages. Wait - "pants off" is the whole problem, isn't it...

#31 — October 8, 2006 @ 14:23PM — ERica

their gross.wats up with their crotch lookin likes its gunna fall off ew!!

#32 — October 9, 2006 @ 07:43AM — amber

hey,
their just living life the way they want too

#33 — October 9, 2006 @ 08:35AM — Donnie Marler

Dawn has discovered and presented the antidote for horny.

Perhaps I'm just too damned old, but neither of these ladies ever struck me as appealing.

#34 — October 16, 2006 @ 16:42PM — justin [URL]

wow. why don't you date girls paris!!

#35 — December 30, 2006 @ 17:21PM — nicholas pussy eater

i wanna lick 'em dry hoe's. :D

#36 — January 24, 2007 @ 14:55PM — Stacy

How can she be a fire-crotch when there is no fire?

#37 — March 8, 2007 @ 21:48PM — will [URL]

dont mind seein ether 1 NAKED its hot

#38 — March 26, 2007 @ 19:23PM — Va-J-Jay Muncher

sure... looking at it is just absolutely gross... beat off gross... please...

#39 — March 26, 2007 @ 19:26PM — Va-J-Jay Muncher

sure... looking at it is just absolutely gross... whack off gross...yeah right.....

#40 — March 26, 2007 @ 22:23PM — Dave Nalle [URL]

It's not Lindsay's privates which trouble me so much in those pictures, but the view of her creepy emaciated arms. Take a close look at her left shoulder in the picture where she's coming out of the boat. Looks like she has some sort of flesh-eating bacteria at work.

Dave

#41 — April 10, 2007 @ 08:24AM — fhb3 [URL]

At the risk of getting stoned...

It looks like they've been getting their "no-no places" hit a BIT too much...

#42 — April 13, 2007 @ 08:55AM — dude

i want to see that girl naked dawg

#43 — April 15, 2007 @ 15:27PM — sthephany

lindsay no andes sin ropa interior please..............................

#44 — April 16, 2007 @ 20:15PM — juste me...

i think the photo of lindsy gettin out of her car is edited....it's so not real!!! it looks cut off and transformed into smthng awful

#45 — May 27, 2007 @ 15:17PM — ZZ

What is this, the Young Republicans for Jesus? I've never seen so many Victorian prudes clucking disapproval of partial nudity. Cluck-cluck-cluck. "Did you EVER?" "No! I NEVER!" Cluck-cluck-cluck.

To the self-righteous lady who advised moving to a nude beach in Australia: YOU are the one who needs to move--to the far north. Join the Eskimos. You will see very little nudity there. You and your 19th-century Victorian standards will be safe. :)

Z

#46 — July 11, 2007 @ 22:00PM — Eric D.

Man I love those two juicy cunts. They taste so wet and sweet in my mouth. I want those pussies all night.

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