Wow. I was wrong. Bush was right.
Man, was I wrong! I listened to my pagan instincts; big mistake.
Meanwhile, Bush listened to God. Yeah, the Real Deal.
And guess what: it turns out that God really can kick Allah’s ass if He wants to.
God (aka “Mr. Forgiveness”) apparently celebrated the birth of His Son, Savior and Redeemer of Humankind, by saying, “Merry Fucking Christmas and Happy Fucking New Year. It’s 2005, welcome to Armageddon — oh, and have you met Tsunami?”
Yep. He finally spoke. It turns out He speaks to Bush all the time, but after September 11, God spoke to George A LOT MORE OFTEN — and I think he used the word “CRUSADE” and “INVADE” pretty regularly, too.
And of course, God is always right. And just when you get your hopes up — thinking He’s that Touchy-Feely Merciful Guy from the New Testament, He turns around and puts a Cosmic Whupass on the planet.
But you’ll notice He doesn’t fuck with America. (Other than an occasional whack upside Florida’s head; they’re mostly Jews down there…) No, God fucks with godless heathens — more specifically, Muslims in the Asian-Pacific part of the world.
We Christian-Americans petition Him with prayers, asking for mercy, asking Him to play nice, asking him to make us rich and beautiful and safe. Meanwhile, those Muslims plop down, rub their foreheads on the ground in the direction of Mecca six times a day — and what do they get for all their efforts?
Drown their motherfuckin’ asses en masse. If the Muslim Lemmings can’t go to the sea, the sea will come to them.
And there’s no time for Noah, Shem, and Ham; nope, just enough time for God’s Big Cosmic Flyswatter to return some balance to the population.
Of course, in my stoned, animistic, aging-hippy vernacular, Mother Gaia always has Her say: Natural Disasters are Her way of controlling the exploding population. Pandemics are Her way of slowing economic growth. Earthquakes are Her way of telling us not to build multi-story obstacles that ruin a nice view of the horizon. Tsunamis are Her way of telling the rich tourists not to leave litter on the beach.
Nature: ain’t it great!?
Couple of random thoughts for the New Year.
My fellow Americans of all political persuasions;
Can we ALL agree on SOMETHING to start the new year?
1) Ever watch Sunday Night Football on ESPN? Can we agree that Joe Theisman needs to kill himself immediately?
You mean I’m not alone? Thanks! I feel better already.
2) Can we agree on some good ol’ fashioned American phonetic spellings of some of the more common words we’ll be using in 05;
Do you like “Sunami” or Sunamy”?
“Al Kayda” or “Al Kyduh”?
Let me know. This is important.
Speaking of radical muslims and sunamies (sic): where are the richest countries in the world when it comes to these ‘aid’ and ‘assistance’ funds?
Y’know — Qatar, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, United Arab Emirate — those fuckers with all the oil and all of the cash that Bush so readily lusts after?
Where are THEY when it comes time to rebuild the radical, ‘Merican-hating madrassas?
Can’t they contribute a few billion to help their own in a time of need?
And why am I the only person asking?
BTW: I noticed that the worst natural disaster in contemporary history is up to ONE ENTIRE WEEK on the American NEWS.
Wow! Not bad for a nation suffering from ADD and Compassion Saturation (post-xmas, y’know… enough with the recovering alcoholic bell-ringers!).
I predict we’ll be interested for about 3 more days (…where’s Florida?) — until the News Robots run out of new home videos shot by palsied vacationers with DV cameras.
Happy New Year.
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