Somehow, someway, the draft has become one of the premiere events of the National Football League. It is an exercise in tedium and monotony. If you are a fan, you will find yourself sitting there on your couch and waiting 15 minutes in-between picks during the first round and enjoying every second of it. Do you have errands to run on Saturday? That won't be a problem at all. A person can go away for a couple of hours and will have only missed between eight to ten picks. That is not even a third of the first round! There will still plenty of drafting to do over the course of the next seven rounds!
If the draft is so boring, how did it become so popular? Why do millions of people know who Mel Kiper, Jr. is? Why should I be glued to ESPN2 at 3:30 on a Sunday afternoon just to see whom Carolina picks in the seventh round? That guy is getting cut in training camp anyway! There isn’t even the comedic value that the NBA draft has when David Stern hands over a jersey to a 6”11” 19-year-old in a hideous suit! What reason is there at all to watch this? Well, my dear reader, here are the reasons you should watch (even if only intermittently – seriously, the first round alone takes all day, you can step away occasionally).
1) The [Insert Your Favorite Team Here] Select…
This is the only reason to watch for most of you. Who is going to break your heart by underperforming for your Eagles/Saints/Browns/etc. for the next four or five years? This is an especially joyous moment for Jets fans, as it is the very first time they’ll get to boo the poor guy. This is truly a special moment in the life of any fan.
2) Draft Busts
This correlates directly to whomever your favorite team selects. There will be more busts than stars. For every Donovan McNabb there are Cade McNowns illegally parking in handicapped spots somewhere and Akili Smiths calling you about Liberty Mutual insurance. This inevitable fact is especially true if your favorite team is the Lions. And they select a wide receiver. Again. Somewhere Calvin Johnson prays Matt Millen never saw his game tape.
3) Diva Fits
4) Why Haven’t I Been Drafted Yet?
Inevitably, there will be one guy there who is just positive he’s getting picked very early. Then, as if on cue, he will just keep getting passed over. I thought the ESPN crew was going to call out a suicide watch for Aaron Rodgers as he slid from potential first overall pick all the way down to Brett Favre’s towel boy at No. 22.
5) Sartorial Splendor
Sure, you would never wear a quadruple breasted cream-colored suit with purple pinstriping, gator boots, a cane, and a fedora with a red feather – but why should that stop Ted Ginn from doing it? While watching Roger Goodell hand over the jersey isn’t as funny to see as Stern (at least I’m assuming so, this is Goodell’s first draft as commissioner) crazy suits are always a guaranteed laugh. Then you remember the guy in the suit is about to make twenty times what you make. But then you start laughing again, so all is well.
6) Rampant Trade Speculation
There will be roughly eighty-four potential blockbuster trades that general managers will be “in talks” about during the first round. Approximately none of these will come true. However, for the five minutes that you think Randy Moss is being shipped to Cincinnati for a third round selection and a DVD of Dog: The Bounty Hunter, you are in heaven.